Originally Written: July 10th, 2006
You don’t know who you are or what you’re doing or how you could allow yourself to end up where you are.
Everything seems to slice at your soul, ripping it, shredding it, causing blood to pool at your feet.
You don’t know how to stop it.
Of course you don’t, because no one knows how to stop it because no one admits they feel it, too.
You question everything you thought you knew, especially about yourself.
You wonder if maybe you made poor choices and will have to live with them forever and ever because God knows you can never escape the hell you yourself created.
And you continue to bleed, screaming in your own head, begging and crying for someone to hear your pleas,
But all they see is the fake smile plastered upon your face, a china doll that is seen but never heard.
You feel things you shouldn’t feel, you think things you shouldn’t think, you know things you shouldn’t know.
Heaven help you if they ever find out, if they ever fathom that beneath the china there are eyes crying blood.
They would tell you it’s all right
Even though you’re bleeding to death before their eyes.
But you would believe them because you wouldn’t admit to feeling what you do.
Even to yourself.
No one will ever admit they feel exactly how you do: lost, confused, and wishing for another life.
You push away all of your perverted wishes and dreams, because they aren’t normal, they aren’t what they tell you you should wish and dream.
Because they know everyone wants a perfect home, marriage, children, wealth, because hell, that’s what everyone wants!
You can’t argue with everyone.
So the china doll sits, the epitome of beauty and perfection, the symbol of everything that everyone wants,
As you die a little more from everything you really want.
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