by Michael Coren - August 2, 2003
Sun Media
Fascinating news: wicca priests and priestesses are to be chaplains in our prisons. Just like representatives of Christianity, Judaism, Islam and other faiths, Canadian law and the Canadian Charter will give witches full access to our incarcerated criminals.
One can only hope they won't be teaching them how to make the cell doors disappear or the warders invisible.
Knowing that every good Canadian would delight in this oh-so-progressive adventure, one the public will have to pay for of course, I thought a trip to the Pagan Federation Web site might be in order. What fun it turned out to be. The organization represents witches, druids, goddess worshippers and various others. As for Satan, visitors to the site are given an essay praising satanism and providing a link to the Church of Satan Web site.
Then we are treated to a whole variety of sub-groups. The Pagan Firefighters Association unfortunately has "no info at the moment, but will post when we do." This is very good news indeed. The average speed of a broom is several miles an hour faster than that of even the most advanced fire truck. There is also the chance of communing with the god of fire and asking him (or is it her?) to be reasonable and simply put the flames out without any human intervention.
Then we have the Pagan Bar Association. I'm not surprised. I think I may have met some of the members.
"Like many good projects, the Pagan Bar Association started for selfish reasons. I wanted to communicate with other attorneys who, like myself, follow the way of the Witch," says the founder.
Right. Lots of nose-wiggling I suppose, and stopping your mother from gettingcross with poor old Darrin. Next come the Pagan Alliance of Nurses, and, most amusing of all, Pagans in the Auto Industry. "Automative Pagans is a networking group for all Pagans who work in the automotive industry - no matter where they live, or which company they work for, whether they work for manufacturers or suppliers, hourly or salary."
I just know CAW members all over Canada have been counting the days until they can have the union fight for crystal manipulation lessons. Look out, Buzz Hargrove, you could be replaced by Harry Potter. Mind you, is Harry a socialist? Goes to a private school, speaks in a posh accent. No, it's Ron Weasley who's the member of the proletariat. We also have the great North American disease of being offended. "SciFi Channel actively misrepresenting pagans specifically in two programs" announces the site. The two programs to watch for in case Mr. Warlock or Ms. Goblin is moved to tears are Evil Witches and Declassified Evil. Stay tuned for Buffy with a bad hair day.
In the noble words of the Monty Python team in the Holy Grail movie: "How do you know she's a witch?" Reply: "Because she looks like one." In that case the local peasants had put a big, false nose and a funny hat on the woman.
My experience has been that such people tend to have a little too much time and money on their hands and a feeling they are superior to the "ordinary people" around them "who don't quite understand." Also a contempt for and crass ignorance of what is referred to as "organized religion" and a total lack of contextual knowledge of ancient and medieval history.
A liking for dark makeup and black clothes, often mingled with Hollywood witch fashion and Celtic jewelry. A habit of staring a lot and speaking in a slow, deliberate manner that is supposed to indicate authority and wisdom.
Oh, and a fair helping of middle-class neurosis.
In all seriousness, this absurd situation could be problematic. While nobody would allege that all pagans break the law, people proudly calling themselves pagans have been involved in child abuse circles and grotesque dark cults.
Would a prisoner genuinely benefit from a pagan visit? Is it healthy that a pagan group called the Officers of Avalon is listed and claims to have police members in the U.S., Canada, Britain, Ireland and Australia?
To quote the divine Python again. "She turned me into a newt ... I got better." Let us hope the same for these poor, misguided souls. And that we don't have to finance the treatment.
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Michael Coren is a Toronto-based writer and broadcaster. He can be emailed at info@michaelcoren.com ... and his web site is michaelcoren.com.
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