My Struggle Cleansed by the Blood of the Lamb
	For a long time, I could not accept the fact that Jesus died for me.  I mean, why would he do THAT?  I'm worthless, RIGHT?  WRONG!  The Father's creations are all beautiful and special to him.  He created you with a purpose!  Even after I knew that, I struggled with my eating disorder and cutting myself for years.  My biggest problem was that I WAS ALWAYS FOCUSING ON MY PAST!  It was like recieving that Jesus died for me on the cross and accepting him into my life and heart, but I never got past that point.  I would kneel at the cross, ask for forgiveness, give my addictions to Jesus...and a few days later, I'd take my addictions back.  God gives us free will, so he wasn't going to stop me.   Jesus' blood covered my sins, but I constantly wiped the blood away, pointed at my sin, and exclaimed..."Jesus, it's STILL THERE!" I'm still a victim.  I was still raped!  I was still abused!  I still have an eating disorder, I'm still worthless, I still cut myself, Jesus!   Jesus replied..."But, I can't see any of that in you!  You are a NEW CREATION!  The old you has passed away, you have been born again!  You can start over now!"   But what did I do?  I went back to my old ways over and over again.  My youth pastor told me to do something that was very helpful to me, and maybe it could help you to try this (if you're a Christian)...   Take a blank piece of paper and write down everything you can think of that you've ever done wrong, things you blame yourself for, and why you feel worthless, depressed, etc, etc.  Then take a red marker, crayon, or fingerpaint, and one by one cover each thing you've ever done wrong, until you can't read it anymore.  This is what your sin looks like to God, and to Jesus.  IT'S NOT THERE ANYMORE!  It's been forgiven, it's in the past.  IT'S GONE.  YOU will never forget your past, but it doesn't have to hinder your future.  Think of it this way: you have amnesia.  You don't remember that you were anorexic, bulimic, bing-eater, self-cutter, depressed, all you know is that YOU'RE ALIVE and you have to find out who you are now.  It's the same way once you've been forgiven.  You know that red-covered piece of paper which was once your life?  Well, now God's given you a BRAND NEW PIECE OF PAPER for you to create a BRAND NEW LIFE on!  Write down your goals, your dreams (even if they seem unachievable, remember, "I can do ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME")...and write down all of the positive things about yourself.  You are God's child, you are beautifully and wonderfully made!  And then write down all of the things you WANT TO BE.  When my youth pastor asked me to do this, I, in the depressed mood I was in, asked "can I write DEAD?"  His reply to that was..."But Melissa, you ARE dead.  The old Melissa...SHE DIED.  She's gone.  Who are YOU going to be?"  That really opened up my eyes, and for the first time, I realized that I am not my own...I am God's.  Jesus lives in me, this physical body is the temple of God, and we are to care for our bodies as such.   When you start recovery, be prepared for the devil's attacks.  He's going to do everything that he can to bring you down again.  Do everything you can to fight him off!  Read your bible, pray, surround yourself with positive Christian friends who can offer you encouragement, and accept that fact that as humans, we are bound to mess up now and then.  But don't let Satan tell you that you are not worth recovery, because "the thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but I (Jesus) have come to give you eternal life"...Satan would love to help you destroy yourself.  If you're six feet under, you won't be able to spread the word of God anymore.  Which is exactly what Satan wants, to take everyone down with him.  For a long time, I didn't think I could make a difference in this world.  But we all make such a big impact on EVERYONE we meet, whether we realize it or not.  Your attitude, whether or not you smile at a stranger when they  walk by, your outlook on life, the words you say...these things all have a big affect on everyone around you.  And through your actions, if someone can see the love of Christ shining through you, there's no telling just how many people's lives you can touch and lead to Christ! CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOUR SIN LOOKS LIKE TO GOD!