The USS Defender, Stardate: the present (January 2397), 0930 hours

Arriving at his quarters, Jason was in even worse a mood than he had been when he left sickbay. Now he'd messed things up with Gabriel, too. How he was going to face him next shift...!

He tore off his uniform and took a quick shower, but that didn't seem to make him feel any better. Well, maybe it was just the lack of sleep, hopefully, anyway.

"Lights out."

As the room darkened, Jason composed himself and tried to relax. Finally, he sank into sleep...

*****************************************

...and suddenly, he was somewhere else...

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The Crescent River settlement, Talyra IV, Summer, 2374

he sat in the living room with lissy and jen holding him and each other as they tried not to hear the screams from the back bedroom. jacey tried not to cry, that was what mommy had said before daddy had taken him out of the room

"don't cry, daddy needs you to be a big boy now."

he bit his lip he was trying so hard maybe if she knows i'm doing it she'll stop hurting

he didn't know how long it was but the screaming finally did stop. oh good, now mommy's ok. but daddy didn't come out and tell them. why didn't he come out why didn't he come out?

then the doctor did "children i have to tell you your daddy needs you now your mommy's in a better place"

...and he burst into tears he couldn't keep it in any longer. why mommy why? wasn't i good, didn't i do what you said?

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the Defender, 2397

Jason sat up in bed, shaking, trying to clear away the dream. He hadn't had THAT one in years, in fact he thought he'd put all those memories behind him. Why was it coming back now? Or had he just been fooling himself, maybe he'd never really shut it out, and it was just one more thing he'd managed to mess up in life. Sighing, he tried to force the thoughts away and get back to sleep.

He tossed and turned, drifting in and out of sleep as images tumbled through his mind...

......himself moving towards Franklin with the hypospray just as Franklin jumped into the bed with Cassie, and standing there frozen as she knocked him across the room half a second later...

......Rhiannon screaming, screaming, as he reached for her, only to be pushed aside by Battai, and the second -Battai- reached her, she had calmed down.

He put his hands to his closed eyes as if by doing so he could shut the images out. And it seemed to help, at first. He relaxed again and turned over.

But after only a little while something within him shifted again...

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Talyra IV, 2374...

he stood by the wall watching as daddy rolled about on the bed crying and lissy and jen held him so he wouldn't fall out

"so hot it hurt oh i'm burning make it stop oh make it stop please"

"lissy we gotta find a doctor there's gotta be somebody"

"shut up jen there isn't i've looked for three days"

"burning burning up oh please"

"jacey go get some water get ice too get the bucket outta the kitchen ok?"

he ran as fast as he could to the kitchen scrabbled for a chair so he could reach the icemaker then got mommy's pail (don't think about mommy now) climbed up and dumped all the ice into it back down and ran into daddy's room

lissy grabbed it and put ice all over daddy then he screamed the loudest jacey'd heard yet and fell back didn't move no more

lissy put her head on daddy's front "oh no no no" she started crying and so did jen

jacey cried too i shoulda been quicker oh why oh why i came quick didn't i i wasn't quick enough daddy come back oh please i'll be quicker come back

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the Defender, 2397...

Jason sat up in the bed, the tears running down his face even as he tried to rub them away. The tears, and the memories with them--memories he thought he had long since put behind him.

Somewhere in his mind, the voices whispered louder and louder "you're no good couldn't save them couldn't help rhiannon couldn't help mark couldn't help anybody"

"No." he sobbed, collapsing into a huddle on the bed.

The sobs continued for a time, heavy at first then slowly fading to whimpers, and then back into silence as he sank back into slumber. But the darkness inside him would not let go, it was getting stronger all the time, and once again, it flung him back through time and space...

*****************************************

Talyra IV, 2374...

lissy on the bed crying crying and jacey by her rubbing her arms her legs so she wouldn't hurt so much jen had done it before but now it was jacey's turn and "oh i hurt oh oh please oh it hurts" and he was rubbing as hard as he could but she kept crying then twisted all up screamed real loud and stopped

jacey sat there "lissy talk please lissy"

then jen ran in looked at lissy "oh no oh no not lissy too oh no" she cried and cried and jacey cried too oh lissy come back i'll do it better i will please come back i will

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the Defender, 2397...

He woke up to the tears flowing like rivers. This time he was too spent to even try to stop them. The voices kept on whispering "you're no good you're no good never were never were"

He pulled the pillow over his head and pressed his face into the bedding in desperation. Would nothing silence the voices, couldn't he even do that right? Why wouldn't the memories stop welling up, he'd buried them all long ago--or had he?

He tossed and turned for he didn't know how long, but eventually sleep did take him once again...

...only to once again find himself hurled back into the horrors of the past.

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Talyra IV, 2374...

mommy daddy lissy and now jen too screaming screaming "oh it hurts it hurts"

"please don't hurt jen don't hurt you can't go too please oh please"

jen lying there twisting around "oh help me jacey can't stand it please help

he was crying "i can't i can't jen wanna help but don't know how only please don't cry you'll go too"

he held on to her hand tight as he could maybe that'd make her stay maybe that'd stop the hurting please let it "jen please i'm here i won't let go"

and then oh no just like mommy daddy lissy she twisted all up and didn't move no more

oh jen don't go i didn't let go i didn't let go come back please

*******************************************

the Defender, 2397...

He woke up again, shaking with the sobs. But there were no more tears, he'd cried them all out. And still the voices whispered "you're no good you can't help anybody never did never will"

The dry sobs racked him for a time (he'd long since lost all sense of that) but eventually they subsided. Once more he slept, tossing and turning all the while.

Then he was flung away again, but this time was different.

*****************************************

He found himself on a rocky, dismal seashore, the waves crashing on the stones, and overhead a dull grey sky, thunder rumbling and the flashing of lightning.

(Where am I? what is this place?) he wondered.

Suddenly he saw people ahead. One of them saw -him- and pointed. "There--there he is--!" cried out one and then they were all chasing him.

He ran as fast as hard as he could (why are they after me why why). Then he tripped on a rock, fell... everything went dark.

The next thing he knew, he was crouched at the base of one of the craggy rocks and they were all around him, pointing, yelling. He tried to see in the dimness who they were.

A woman pushed her way forward. With a start Jason recognized his mother.

Before he could do more than gape in surprise she shouted at him. "You didn't do what I told you, and I -died- because of that. You let it happen!"

Then his father appeared beside her. "Why didn't you come faster, like Lissy told you?"

"But I *did*..."

Before he could say more than that, Lissy was there. "You let me go too, Jacey. I told you how to make me stop hurting and you didn't."

Jen joined her. "Why did you let me go?" her eight year old face, the wide dark eyes, looked up at him accusingly as she pleaded for an answer.

He looked wildly about, only to focus on still another woman, this one with red hair and green eyes. Rhiannon.

"I woke up screaming," she shouted at him, "and I needed help and where were you?"

Jason backed away from her, only to be intercepted by a dark haired man with his jaw wired shut. This man was holding a padd, as he stepped forward he typed something into it, then turned the padd so Jason could read it. *You didn't stop Cassie. You let her hurt me and it's all your fault!*

"Rhiannon--Mark--you can't believe that, I couldn't help it--I--"

Then Amira was there, and Cassie, and Gabriel, too, all of them shouting, "You failed, you didn't help any of us, you never could!!"

*****************************************

And Jason woke up screaming. "No, -no-...please--no...!"

He lay there, panting, in a cold sweat. Sleep was a lost cause, he could only sit and try to stop shaking until the computer sounded the wake up alarm.

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