Landry lay back against the curve of Caine's arm, trying to hold on to the calmness that merely being with him brought her. It was part of why she loved him so...he always knew when she needed things she couldn't let herself admit to from anyone else.

But not even his presence could entirely eliminate the pain deep inside.

She'd failed yet again. And this time someone had died. Someone she'd been responsible for, who'd been under her command. Not only that but it had been someone she'd come to regard as a friend, even in the short time they'd known each other, since that whole mess on the Tolenecki station.

It was almost like those old nightmares she had had back on starbase 4, the ones that had been caused by the effects of Anomaly One. The ones where she'd seen Caine's death over and over again and been helpless to prevent it.

Only this was no dream, no hallucination, but agonizingly real. She had sat in that damned shuttle and watched as Licinia died, Licinia and the other one...Martinez? yes, that had been his name.

All because she hadn't been able to stop that Cardie and the human girl who'd come with him from getting into that shuttle in the first place. Or the other one who'd gone crazy and wrecked the other shuttle and half the bay too...and left the Sequoia in disarray long enough for the Romulans to get aboard.

Her fault, all of it. Just like it always was...and this time there was no Anomaly One, no alien influence, she could point to as an excuse.

She'd been so happy when she'd been given the ChSec position on Sequoia. It had seemed as if she'd finally lived down her part in the events on sb4...but how quickly it had all turned to ashes.

"Caine..." she said softly. "how do you put up with me?"

Caine again showed the love for her in his eyes and said, "You have a beautiful soul Josepha, it is unique and exquisite. It is very rare to find. You possess it, but do not realize it. Many people search for the uniqueness that you possess, but fail to find it because they search in the wrong places."

Then he gave her a passionate kiss.

She kissed him back, letting it last as long as it could. But her mind went on despite her yearning to surrender to what her body craved.

He'd been so gentle with her, always had. No, wait, not always. There had been the one time...back on sb4...where he'd been angry with her. But even then he hadn't raised his voice, or shown anger. Only disappointment.

And she would die herself before she let that look come into his face again. She couldn't get rid of the fear that it would...or perhaps it was already there and he'd just gotten better at hiding it? no. She couldn't let herself start thinking that way.

That he could think this of her touched her so deeply. If only she could believe it. Goddess only knew she wanted to, if for no other reason than Caine had said it. The only man she'd ever been able to submit to without feeling threatened or forced. Because with him it wasn't submission. He'd never ask that of her, she'd learned that long ago.

"It's just..." she shook her head, her eyes shining and yet clouded both at once. "thank you for saying that and yet...I'm not sure I deserve such a compliment." She glanced down at her hands, one resting on the blanket, the other on Caine's hand, and imagined for a moment she could see blood there. Julia's...and Martinez's....and the other Sequoia crew who'd died when everything had gone so terribly, horribly, wrong.

Caine's love for Landry shown in his eyes even more. He smiled and said, "Josepha, you do indeed deserve it and more. A hundredfold more, but even now you are not with me, not entirely. You are still elsewhere, with your fallen companions. Josepha, your own people have known that there are risks to everything, nothing is ever promised that everything will be fine. Starfleet officers know this same thing as well. All starfleet officers, even academy cadets are told this from the very beginning. Since the beginning of time life and death have coincided together. Life and death support each other in many different ways, so mysteriously intertwined are they that we are ignorant of it." He paused for a moment then continued. "Your people have learned one important fact, the simplest way to explain it is this."

Caine placed a book in Landry's hand, "Let's call this the book of life. As you open it, a person is born, how you live, the way you live, the way you treat people, and everything you do is recorded in this book. Then as the book ends, death comes, as it must to each one of us. Each person must grieve in her and his own way. No one can say you can only grieve for 5 days, but you can do certain things to help you along. Honor your friend the way you know they would like to be honored and remembered, if you wish to do it privately, do so. Just remember, you must continue to live. Honor them by living, letting everyone know that their friendships were special to you and they meant something."

Caine then added something else too, "Licinia came to me on more than one occassion, she heard that I am a priest and sought guidance on some things. she treasured your friendship, considered you as a sister. She thought very highly of you as well."

Landry only looked at him, fighting to not let the tears slip out that threatened to at his words. "It's...not so much that she died," she finally managed. "That hurts but not so much as the how. She...she was Roman, remember. Honor means a lot to them. And they're not...I mean, death in battle is something they understand and accept. But you can't call what happened that."

"Battle comes on many different battlefields. Some, like the battlefields on earth of the past, for instance WWI and WWII. But there are also other battlefields, such as here in space, whether on a starship, fighters, or in the shuttlebay. Just because the battlefield is in space does not mean that the battle is any different, does it? You still have death, it comes like a thief in the night ready to strike without warning to anyone, we are all not immune to its clutches."

"I keep thinking I might've saved them, if Keara hadn't dragged me away from the hatch. By the time I got her off me it was too late," she said softly. "But you remember, you were there too." And why in the Goddess' name didn't you help me? was the anguished question a part of her asked, though she wouldn't let herself say it, the last thing she wanted to do was hurt him.

"Keara saw the danger didnt' she?" caine asked.

"I did the best I could under the circumstances...it just never seems to be enough. This time two people died. And before you start about that again answer this. If I'm not to blame for that...what is Cmdr Marcellus doing here?"

"Josepha, allow me to point out to you that the captain does not know you. with that in mind you are starting out with a clean slate. perhaps you might want to focus your energies on showing her that you can do the job. We both know you can do the job, now lets show her you can do it. SFC made the decision on Cdr Marcellus, not the captain. As long as you put your best effort and gave 100% of yourself then that is the best you can do."

Words failed her at that point, she could only lean against him, holding him and letting him hold her.

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