April 8, 1999
She said that we were two
To amongst the many,
Two alone in our own world
She'd whisper two things to me
Too many to be true.
She said that we were two
I wish that i could've beleived her
Two amonst who?
With you, i don't have anything.
I said it's an illusion
She said that we could be more
I said two is too much
But she never understood
That all i ever wanted
That all i ever needed
Was to be one.
October 25, 1998
It's like coming to see you, and then you leaving
It's like crying, right after sex
It's like skinning your knee, while wearing pajamas
It's like walking forever, and going nowhere.
It's like closing your eyes, and never believing.
and noticing that carnival rides are meant for two people.
It's sad when you know something is missing
or how you should be here, all of the time, with me
Try sleeping on broken lightbulbs.
I don't like giving and not recieving.
So many times you've been selfish.
I'd like to reverse things and watch you react
It's like opening your eyes to a cold blue morning
and realizing why i stopped caring.
no date
How much apathy fills your soul? Apathy and crimsone holes.
Supercharged power phrases that bestow holy ghosts.
Troubled times of doubt and reason, cloud all ways.
Adolecent dreams become shadows to eternity.
Can there be joy with so much pain? Selfishness always chimes in.
Give me grandure as i've never known so i can be aware
of the evil that looms in every act.
For you, greed entails serenity, but i can't comprehend.
The path you choose nor the life you left.
no date
Alice are you there?
Alice are you listening?
Alice where did you go?
Alice can't you see i'm waiting?
Alice won't you just say hello?
Alice just don't ever give up.
Alice please don't say it's not worth fighting for.
Alice i'll do anything i can.
Alice please don't let me go.
Alice there is so much i should say to you.
Alice i won't even try.
Alice, all you need to hear
is what's written in my eyes.
no date
It's getting easier not to cry.
It's getting easier to see what love isn't.
It's clear to me that i was blind.
For treating me like shit. Thank you.
For making me care too much. Thank you.
For wasting 75% of my year. Thank you.
For showing me how to hate you. Thank you.
For not being who i wanted.
For not being there for me.
For forgetting what you meant to me.
For defining heart ache.
For letting me forget you. Thank you.
no date
When flowers wilt, i see you.
Far in the distance, i smell you.
Do you tire? Because i do.
Now i retire from this game.
What seems like decades,
is only months.
My fear dies and this troubles me.
Spacious is time,
and so is the love between us.
How many days till you realize?
How many flowers till i give up?
no date
When you wake up to yourself, and there is no one to belive you.
In the middle fo the nite,
i begin to realize about my everyday life and how empty i feel inside.
Like pink december mornings when the frost has settled in.
I feel naked in the cold eyes of the sun.
My jaw begins to stretch.
The pink it fades away and soon will the blue.
The days get shorter or maybe i slept it away?
It's alright. I like nights better, i've grown nocturnal, eternaly.
I question everything and i wonder why i continue?
I wonder how i'll be in ten years time.
I wondre things i'll never be able to say.
For this i feel empty,
for i've let my life slip away.
No date
Remember that night i took a walk alone
you asked if you could come along
you asked me to slow down, to wait for you.
I just kept, i just kept walking further from you
you told me to stop, you asked me to come back to you
I asked to meet halfway, you said "just walk back to me"
why can't we ever compromise
why can't you learn to realize
not to use two hands when there are four
Dec. 20, 1998
Maybe i could've talked to you again
Maybe i should have tried some more
Maybe could have told you how i feel
Maybe i wasn't ready for you to leave
Why can't i have some more time
Why can't i get another chance
Maybe you didn't understand me
Maybe soon you will
and wherever you are it won't be good enough
because maybe you should be here
No date
How many memories still remain?
I can't remeber my first thought
Nor my first experience.
I can't close my eyes and see my first day fo school.
Nor any time of early signifigance.
I remember pain. The first time i cried,
and the day my grandfather died.
These memories are so fresh.
My childhood splendid,
yet all i remember is time weary infliction.
I can't envision my first bike ride,
but i'll never forget the day my mom died.
She's half alive but acts mostly dead.
I can see it in her eyes, i relive it in my head.
My dad too, he's not far behind.
He's bought a patch for his grave,
I can't see how he makes it through the day.
I remember everything gone wrong,
even my first smile at a sad sad song.
I've grown up and remembered pain,
the joys of life seem so vain.
My first kiss, my first fuck, earning my first dishonest buck.
Life is too long to remember the good,
because it never lasts as long as it should.