What a Drag                                                From an orphan by Adonia Harvey sat in Nash’s Office with a pathetic look on his face and began to whine.  "There is no way I am doing this Nash! No way in Hell." "Come on Bubba, think of it as a learning experience."  Nash tried to hide his laughter but was unsuccessful. Evan and Joe quietly joined in. "This is not funny man. I am not doing this."  Harvey knew it was useless to argue, because he would end up going though with it anyway, but he felt compelled to make it known that he was complying under duress.  He shrugged his shoulders, and Nash knew that meant he would do it. "Thanks Harv. I’ll never ask you do this again, I swear," he said with a half smile on his face.  Holding back the laughter was becoming almost unbearable for everyone in the room.  Finally, Evan stood up. "Well...you know, you are the one that said you’d try anything once," Evan commented as he snickered to himself. Grabbing a pen from Nash’s desk, Harvey launched it towards Evan's head as he made an exit. "I cannot believe you got me to do this." "Trust me Harv, it won’t be that bad."  If anyone could pull this off, Nash knew it was Harvey. With a heavy sigh, Harvey stood from his seat in front of Nash's desk and headed back to his own. As soon as he walked down the stairs, he noticed half the room staring in his direction and knew that Evan had already spread the word.  Dropping into his chair, he eyed Evan and gave him an angry look.  Evan grinned back with his devilish smile.  "Come on Harv, I couldn’t resist.  Anyway bro, you all got to see me in a dress, so what’s the big deal?" Throwing his hands in the air, Harvey got up and walked away.  Evan looked around the room and quietly commented, "Was it something I said?" *** Later that afternoon, Harvey arrived at the surveillance van and gave a look of horror at the outfit he would have to wear for the next few hours.  Lifting the plastic film off the dress and wig, he couldn’t help but let a slight smile come over his face as he began to chuckle to himself.  In all the years he had been with on the force, this was going to qualify as one of his more embarrassing moments.  He would definitely have to find a good way to get them all back for this, but he had plenty of time to come up with his payback.  Slowly, he began to put on the attire when he was interrupted by Joe and Rachel entering the van. "Don’t say a word.  Not one single word.  Do you hear me?" They both began snickering, as they nodded their heads in agreement with his question. They turned around and waited until he was finished, and did their best not to laugh at all the grumbling he was doing as he put on the rest of the outfit on. When they turned around, Rachel couldn’t contain her laughter as she eyed Harvey, adjusting his breast pads.  At this point even Harvey had to laugh as he saw a glimpse of himself in one of the monitors. The large, gray-haired figure staring back at him made him think of his grandmother, and his laughter grew. "My mother would be so proud to see me right now."  Shaking his head, he headed for the door. "Yes she would Harv, you’ve grown into such a lovely young woman," Joe threw in as Harvey made his exit.  Evan was waiting outside for him as he came out of the van. "Let me help you there, Grams."  Evan let out a slight chuckle as he took Harvey’s arm. I truly must be in Hell right now, Harvey thought as he looked back at his partner. They walked to Evan’s truck, and made the drive to the bingo hall in silence. Harvey was going over the setup in his head when Evan decided to speak. "Look man, I know you are a little embarrassed about this, but it really isn’t that bad." The fact that he had said this totally straight faced, made Harvey smile.  Evan said noticing the slight grin on his face.  "What?" "Nothing at all; I have to smile or I feel like this make-up is going to slide off."  They both let out a long laugh. Evan nearly missed the entrance to the bingo hall for all their laughing, and spun in with a sharp right turn, slamming Harvey into the side window. "Dammit man, what are you doing?" He yelled. "Sorry man, I almost missed the turn." Angry, Harvey unbuckled himself and started to get out of the car.  Evan followed suit and went around to Harvey’s side to get the door.  Harvey swung his purse at him as Evan came around the door.  Evan started to speak then noticed that there was a crown of people gathered around to see what was going on between this young man and elderly woman.  Harvey also noticed, as they began to argue. "You don’t have to drive so fast, Ev." "Mom, I'm sorry.  I didn’t want to miss the entrance." "You just wanted to get me out the truck as fast as possible so you could get back to your angry wife and those monsters you call children!" "I don’t have to take this Mom. J ust go play your damn bingo and I’ll be back to get you later." "Don’t use that tone of voice with me young man."  Their bantering went on for a few minutes until an older gentleman stepped in and offered to escort Harvey in the building. The arguing ceased and Harvey went inside as Evan went back around the truck.  Evan got in and drove a few blocks before he had to pull over because he was laughing so hard at the thought of Harvey walking arm in arm with a man old enough to be his father. Barely able to control his own laughter, knowing Evan had probably started cracking up the minute he turned the corner, Harvey tried his best to keep a straight face.  The elderly gentleman introduced himself as Horace Palmer, and kept up a rambling commentary as the two weaved their way through the crowd of old people.  Harvey had to keep reminding himself to slow his usual gait to that of a would-be, lightly overweight, elderly woman.  This should be fun. Poking his finger at the "hearing aid" in his left ear, Harvey heard Rachel's voice issuing a few last-minute jibes.  It was all he could do to keep from bursting out laughing at her comments about his fake breasts.  He covered the fit of hilarity with a few coughs, smiling when his escort offered concern.  He tried to shake his new friend, but Horace seemed to have taken a liking to the 'woman'.  Resigning himself to an evening of Horace's company when the gentleman pulled a chair out for him, Harvey sat down.  "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't believe I got your name."  Horace settled into the chair to Harvey's right, and purchased a couple of bingo cards from the girl walking by with a basket.  He handed one to Harvey with a smile. Chuckling inwardly, realizing now was a chance to get back at one of his tormentors, Harvey smiled sweetly and held out his hand.  "Rachel McCabe, Mr. Palmer.  Nice to meet you."  Harvey!  I can't believe you just did that.  I'm going to kill you. Wincing at the sheer volume of Rachel's voice in his ear, Harvey smirked and looked down at his bingo card.  He'd have to be sure to give Rachel's number to old Horace before he left. Emptying his card of markers in disgust, Harvey glanced at the watch pinned to his sweater.  Two more hours to go until the bingo hall closed.  He hoped they got lucky and attracted the mugger on the first night.  He didn't relish having to do this again.  He hated bingo, anyway.  It was a frustrating game. Making an excuse to Horace, Harvey got up to wander over to the drinking fountain.  As he passed by a group of old men, he yelped in surprise.  Harvey, what happened?  Are you okay? Rolling his eyes in embarrassment and disbelief, he dropped his head to whisper into the broach on his lapel.  "Yeah, I'm fine.  Some old geezer just pinched me.  Caught me by surprise." Pinched you?  Pinched you where? "He pinched me on my ass, Evan.  Where else would he pinch me?"  Good grief, his partner could be dense sometimes.  He could hear muffled laughter over Evan's microphone.   "Yeah, yeah.  Laugh it up, guys.  I'll get you." At this rate, he'd have a marriage proposal from Horace before the night was out.  He actually felt kind of sorry for the old guy.  Looking around to make sure nobody was looking, Harvey checked to be sure everything was still where it was supposed to be.  Returning to his chair, he smiled when Horace began to speak excitedly about winning that last game.  Horace might prove to be a problem.  If he insisted on escorting Harvey outside after the hall closed, that would blow the whole thing.  The mugger was going after singles that left the bingo game after closing.  Elderly people vulnerable to quick robberies…knock them down, grab their winnings and run.  He'd just have to ditch the poor man when the time came.  Two hours of bingo later, Harvey was ready to scream out of frustration.  I hate this damn game.  Please let us catch this scumbag tonight. The young lady came by with her basket to collect the game cards and markers and Harvey stood to leave, collecting his purse from the floor where he'd laid it.  He looked up to see Horace standing there expectantly.  Great.  "Uh, Mr. Palmer, you'll have to excuse me.  I have to go…powder my nose." "Horace, please."  Harvey could swear the old gentleman almost gave him a bow.  Casting him a guilty smile, Harvey made a hasty retreat toward the left side of the building where the restrooms were located.  As soon as he passed a large group of people, he slipped to the front door and outside.  Now all he had to do was stand around as the other patrons left, to give the mugger a good target. Most of the crowd had cleared out when a voice suddenly spoke behind him.  It was a good thing he wasn't as old as his persona was supposed to be.  He'd have dropped from a heart attack. "Miss McCabe, I would've walked you out.  You shouldn't wait out here for your son by yourself, you know.  Unsavory characters have been about, lately." Unsavory characters?  That was one Harvey hadn't heard in a while.  How in the world was he going to ditch the old guy, now?  "Mr. Palmer, I'll be fine.  My…son…will be here any moment.  You should run along home before it gets cold."  Harvey's throat was starting to hurt from the effort to raise his voice to a feminine pitch.  Being a gentleman, Horace would never leave a woman to stand on a lonely street corner in the dark, unattended.  He shook his head and stood firm.  "No, ma'am.  I'll be just fine.  What sort of man would I be to leave you here alone?" Harvey, you've got to get rid of that guy. No kidding, he thought, ignoring the voice in his ear.  He tried everything he could think of to get Horace to go home, but to no avail.  The old guy just wouldn't leave.  It was a bust, and Harvey knew it.  He was going to have to do it all over again the next night.  Sure enough, he heard Joe's voice muttering in anger for a moment. Harv, Evan's on his way to get you.  Everyone's gone home, and it looks like our mugger isn't going to make his move tonight.  We'll try again tomorrow.  It was one dejected-looking old lady that climbed into Evan's truck.  "C'mon, Harv.  Maybe we'll get the guy tomorrow.  One more night won't kill you." "You're right, Evan.  But, I might just kill you." Knowing when his partner was beyond reasoning with, Evan kept his mouth shut during the drive around to the surveillance van.  Though everyone was disappointed, they tried not to show it, knowing Harvey was the one that most hated having to do it again.  Stepping out of the van to give Harvey some privacy while he changed out of the old lady costume, Rachel and Joe discussed with Evan the next night's surveillance. "This Horace guy could be a real problem if he shows up tomorrow." "I know, Evan.  We'll have to think of some way to divert him if he tries to do the same thing he did tonight."  Joe could see the humor in the situation, but still wasn't happy to be spending another night on surveillance.  "Look, one more night and that slimeball's ours.  Let's pack up and go home." Once they were on their way back to the SIU, Rachel started giving Harvey a hard time about using her name, in an effort to lighten the mood.  "I'll get even with you, Leek.  You won't know when or where, but I'll get you." "Bring it on, McCabe."  Harvey wiped the makeup from his face and laughed, knowing full well that Rachel would make him pay.  "You deserved it for the boob comment." That one had them both rolling with mirth.  Now, if they could all just keep that sense of humor, they'd survive another night of surveillance.                                                                ~~~~~***~~~~~ Testing.  You hear me okay, Harv? "Yeah, sounds good, Rachel.  Well, guess I may as well get this over with."  Jumping from the back of the van, Harvey headed over to Evan's truck and climbed in.  "Let's go, junior.  You better behave this time or I might write you out of my will." "Yeah, yeah.  What would I get, anyway?  A bunch of old records and Grateful Dead bootlegs?  Evan had to fight to keep the smile off his face. "Just for that, I will write you out of it.  Your loss, too, 'cause I've got a nice retirement waiting for me courtesy of a rich grandfather."  Looking at his partner from the corner of his eye, Evan wondered if Harvey was serious about that last part.  He didn't want to ask, knowing that was what his partner wanted.  Before he could decide to ask, they pulled up in front of the bingo hall.  "Alright, old lady, end of the line." "I'll remember this next time you're playing the roll of trans-gender sex worker.  Still got that outfit tucked away in your room, Ev?" "Ha, ha.  Get out of here, Harv." Chuckling quietly, Harvey shut the passenger door and watched Evan pull away from the curb.  Looking around, he was relieved to see no sign of Mr. Palmer.  One less thing to worry about.  Now all he had to do was make it through three hours of bingo.  Great. Finding a few empty seats, Harvey settled into one and waited for the young lady with the cards to make her way to his table.  His heart sank when a familiar figure sat down next to him. "Why Miss McCabe, it's so nice to see you again."  Horace smiled broadly and purchased two cards as he had the night before. Oh, look, your boyfriend's back. No kidding.  Harvey ignored Joe's scathing comment and tried to concentrate on Horace's conversation.  It was going to be a long night.  Harvey, you suck at this game. "Yeah.  I'd like to see you do any better, Joseph."  Harvey had given up and decided to take a break.  Talk about Zen moments of humility.  He hated bingo. After getting a drink of water, Harvey wandered around for a few minutes to stretch his legs.  Okay, he was trying to avoid going back to the game.  He also had to use the restroom, but had a bit of a dilemma.  Which did he use?  He couldn't duck into the men's room because a gaggle of geezers were standing near the door.  He couldn't use the women's because of his own sense of decency. The three in the van suddenly heard him mumbling softly.  What'd you say, Harv? "I said, Rachel, on behalf of the entire male population, I hereby apologize for any occasion where you were pinched on the rear." Having been in the process of taking a drink of water, Evan nearly choked when he laughed.  Why, Harvey, you're so popular with the gents. "Shut up, Evan."  With nothing else to delay him, Harvey headed back to his chair.  He'd be so glad when the night was over.  No more bingo, no more dressing in drag, and man…he had to go. The rest of the night crept by, torturing Harvey with its molasses-like slowness.  Finally, it was closing time.  Once again, he made the excuse that he had to powder his nose, and ditched Horace.  Ducking outside, he whispered into his microphone.  "Hey, guys, keep an eye out for Palmer and let me know when he steps outside so I can slip around the corner." You got it, Harv. Just as he was about to give it up as hopeless, he heard Rachel's voice again.  Harvey, Mr. Palmer is just coming out the door.  He'd no sooner heard the words, than felt a bruising impact as a body slammed into his.  He felt the purse yanked from his hands as the would-be mugger took off.  Harvey chased after him.  "Oh, no you don't.  Police!  Stop right there!" Joe, Rachel and Evan spilled from the surveillance van and darted across the street.  The watched as Harvey closed the distance and made a flying tackle to bring the guy down.  Obviously, he wasn't taking any chances on losing this suspect. Harvey lost his wig in the wrestling match with the young suspect, as he tried to flip the man onto his stomach.  He finally managed to plant a knee in the mugger's back and yank an arm down to slap on a pair of handcuffs he pulled from a pocket in the sweater he wore.  "And just where were you last night, you little punk?" "Way to go, Harv."  Joe smiled at the image in front of him.  Harvey's makeup was a mess and he'd lost the wig.  His own hair was damp from confinement and his curls were sticking up every which way.  Joe wished he had a camera.  He'd have blackmail material for life.  Rachel and Evan were laughing out loud as they took the suspect from Harvey.  All three turned at the startled voice behind them.  "Oh, my goodness!" Horace.  Harvey stood there a moment, unsure where to start explaining.  Mr. Palmer broke the uncomfortable silence with a chuckle.  "Well, young man, it's a shame.  You made a handsome looking woman." Falling against each other for support, Evan and Rachel laughed so hard their sides ached.  Joe wiped tears from his eyes as his shoulders shook with silent laughter.  Harvey flushed with embarrassment, glaring at his colleagues.  He suddenly remembered another pressing matter and mumbled an excuse. Clearing his throat, Joe wiped his eyes.  "What'd you say, Harv?" Casting a red-faced glance at Horace, Harvey shuffled from foot to foot.  "I said I have to…I need to…I gotta powder my nose."  That was all it took.  Rachel and Evan were nearly doubled over, they were laughing so hard.  Joe thought he'd never breath again and even Horace had joined in the merriment.  Harvey gave them all an evil look and stalked back toward the bingo hall.  "I hate stakeouts.  I hate drag.  And I hate bingo!" END