A new feeling inside of me,
Different then what I have ever felt.
But it is not a bad feeling,
In fact,
It is a great feeling,
A wonderful feeling,
A feeling of love,
Of comfort,
Of forgiveness,
Of guidance,
And so much more.
A feeling of God moving through me,
Touching my life.
I am free of my chains,
And from hell.
Because of the Lord our God.
I thank Him,
And the people that led me to Him.
Because I am saved.
-----------------------------
32
Can hardly breathe,
Can hardly move,
I don’t know what’s going on.
I can hardly keep my eyes open.
My arms are going numb.
Talking is getting hard.
What’s going on?
Can hardly keep my head up,
So weak.
I want to close my eyes,
But if I do, it won’t be good.
Someone’s making me drink water.
I can’t drink too much at a time.
I want to know what’s going on.
My body keeps shaking,
So cold.
My head feels weird,
I’m so dizzy.
I hear talking, but it’s not really registering.
Someone please help me.
-----------------------------
33
If I hadn’t gone to ITA,
I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I wouldn’t have met great friends,
I would still be depressed,
Or even worse,
Not even in existence.
God lead me there,
To Him.
I have come such a long way,
In just one year.
I thank God for every moment that I am alive,
And for the friends that led me to him.
I can proudly announce my faith to the world,
For I love God,
And everyone needs to know that He loves me,
And He loves them too.
-----------------------------
34
She called me a hypocrite.
That’s what I was,
Or maybe still am.
But I am trying,
With all of my heart,
My strength,
And my faith,
To live the life I am supposed to live.
As a Christian.
-----------------------------
35
Life calls out to me,
Of how wonderful,
And precious it is.
But there was a time when Death called out to me also.
AndDeath’s cry was louder than Life’s,
Telling me of how awful it would be to continue living,
And how things would only get worse.
I almost went to Death.
But then a Savior called out to me,
Speaking for Life.
He told me of how great my life would become.
And of how He cared for me.
So I ignored Death’s pleas to follow him,
And stayed with Life,
And followed the Savior.
And my life has become great.
All because One cared enough for me to save me from Death’s clutches,
And to let me see Life for what it really is.
-----------------------------
36
It’s not fair,
But in a way I guess it’s good for me.
Things like this happen in life.
So he had to reschedule,
It will happen some other time.
And maybe then it will be just the two of us.
He seemed sincere,
He said he felt really bad,
But he had a good excuse.
I worry too much about everything,
Reading too much into things.
I wish things were so much simpler.
I just wish we could have gone on our date tonight.
-----------------------------
37 When I First Met You
To Ryan
When I first met you,
I’m not sure how I felt,
I thought you were cool,
That you were worth getting to know.
Then I kept thinking about you.
It was then that I realized that I really liked you.
When you asked me out,
It made me so happy.
Being around you makes me happy.
Talking with you makes me happy,
Thinking about you makes me happy,
Happier than I’ve been in a long time.
And with you I feel that I can be my true self,
And I can’t do that with a lot of people.
I’m so glad I met you.
-----------------------------
38
Something just isn’t right.
Not everything is fair.
What can we do in this place,
If we are not all there.
Something to think about,
Something to feel inside,
That is all that I need,
To only feel alive.
-----------------------------
39
Having everything you want
Is a dream everyone has.
Being known by everyone,
All the latest fads.
But only to want to hide,
Once you reach the limelight,
It just doesn’t seem fair,
Doesn’t seem right.
-----------------------------
40
The pathway to the human soul.
You can tell what a person is like by looking in their eyes,
Or how they're feeling.
Only those I truly trust can look into my eyes,
For I’m scared of what they’ll see.
-----------------------------
41
A pale purple,
Shy and reserved,
That is how I used to be.
But now the color changes,
To so many different shades,
All of then the new me.
A crimson red,
When I’m angry.
A dark green,
When I’m jealous.
A bright yellow or orange,
When I’m happy and hyper.
And a deep blue or black,
When I’m sad and depressed.
All of these,
The new me,
A better me,
And I’m happy about it.
-----------------------------
42
I’m finally understanding,
What it means to live.
Having faith in what you believe in,
Loving yourself as well as others,
Being free from temptation.
Though I am not there yet,
I soon will be.
I’m finally going to get to live.
-----------------------------
43
I sometimes hate change.
And now that my favorite school is changing,
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Two schools are merging, Teachers are leaving.
I’m starting to hate it.
But hopefully my friends will stay,
And we will be there for eachother.
But I fear I will lose them too.
-----------------------------
44
I need to talk,
But there’s no one to talk to.
Once again it’s building up.
I just hope it doesn’t end up like the last time.
-----------------------------
45
I’m screwing up my body,
I know it,
But I just can’t help it.
Something keeps telling me to do these things.
And with nobody telling me otherwise,
I don’t know what to do.
I wish I could stop,
Or in other cases, start,
But I don’t know how.
-----------------------------
46
That word,
I hate it.
It brings back what I want to forget.
Bad times.
The temptation to do it is so strong sometimes,
But I know I can’t do that,
Not to the people I love.
So I HATE this word,
Suicide.
-----------------------------
47
Seeing him fall,
Slow motion,
I almost thought he was joking,
But he wasn’t.
I went into a kind of shock.
Not really sure what to do or say.
I ran to get help as soon as I thought to.
When I got back he had woken up.
They told him not to move.
He wouldn’t listen.
When the ambulance showed up,
I almost flipped out.
I could have passed out myself.
I’m so worried about him.
I worry about a lot of people.
And seeing him get hurt made me more worried.
Just like when Doug got hurt.
So many bad memories of that.
I wish I wasn’t held down by these memories.
-----------------------------
48
I keep getting reminded of it.
Something I want to do,
I won’t do it,
I can’t.
I’ll hate myself if I do.
This stupid habit.
I don’t need to do it,
But it feels so good.
I kind of miss it.
But I need to quit.
It’s not healthy.
Cutting.
-----------------------------
49
Waiting,
We’re going somewhere.
Waiting,
Somewhere fun.
Waiting,
We get out of school.
Waiting,
Just a few more minutes.
Waiting,
Time is passing slowly.
Waiting,
Almost there!
Waiting,
Waiting
Waiting!
Time to go!
-----------------------------
50
I’ve realized something today.
I want to live.
I want to play out my dreams.
I want to be famous,
And sing to my hearts content.
Driving past a cemetery,
I used to hold my breath,
To be like those buried there.
But I don’t want that anymore.
I definitely want to live.
-----------------------------
51
Life is like a dream.
Reality a nightmare.
Relationships are an evil being,
Causing so much pain.
Nothing good comes from them,
Until The One comes along.
And that is a rare event indeed.
But when that One does come,
It brings bliss,
Creating a perfection,
That doesn’t exist,
Thus making the dream a nightmare.
The darkness rolls in.
-----------------------------
52
Darkness surrounds me,
Torturing me.
I see nothing,
But images of the dreaded past.
I hear nothing,
But the hurtful words you said.
I smell nothing,
But the stench of your retched cologne.
I taste nothing,
But the bitterness of your wrongful kiss.
I feel nothing,
But the pain you caused me.
This darkness,
It surrounds me soul,
And engulfs me.
But wait,
I see a sliver of light in the distance,
A hint of freedom!
But the darkness traps me here,
Keeps me chained up.
Not letting me slip away,
To be free of you.
-----------------------------
53
He understands me,
But I don't.
He knows me,
But I don’t.
He cares about me,
But I don’t.
He loves me,
But I can’t.
-----------------------------
54
They don’t see me,
They only see what they want to see,
So they only see happiness.
Maybe if I change,
Pretend to be happy,
But then I’d be fake.
I really would like to be happy.
But for some reason I can’t.
So I’ll remain invisible to them.
-----------------------------
55
What am I doing here?
Am I meant to do something?
Or just be another body in this mass of existence?
It’s all unknown to me.
And every other person here.
But I want to know the plan,
So I can know if I actually have a purpose,
If I have to stay here.
But I won’t know until the time comes.
I wish it would hurry.
-----------------------------
56
I’m so confused.
Is it to fast, too soon?
I have what I’m feeling inside,
And then my religion.
What do I do?
I wish someone could help me with this.
But I know that it is all my own.
-----------------------------
57
So scared.
Scared of loosing another friend.
I get to close.
Last time,
He said he couldn’t help me.
And then last night
Another said it.
This new friend is starting to get close.
I hope I don’t scare him away.
-----------------------------
58
They think I’m a burden,
And I cause their fights.
I never do anything right in their eyes.
They don’t know anything about me.
And what they do know,
They don’t care.
Like the times I was suicidal.
They cared for about a week,
Then they chose to forget.
They don’t see what they do to me.
They can’t otherwise they’d be more understanding.
But if they think I’m a burden,
Then maybe they shouldn't know.
I should just keep silent.