"The winter here’s cold, and bitter

it’s chilled us to the bone

we haven’t seen the sun for weeks

too long too far from home"

Dearest Carl,

I feel silly for doing this, but the therapist no one knows I’m seeing suggested I at least try. My first session was last week and she’s truly trying to help me, but I’m afraid nothing can help me at this point. It’s been more than a year since I lost you my darling and I’ve found nothing to fill the void you left in my life. Not my children, not another man or therapy. Nothing. The woman you knew is fading fast and if I lose her I’m not sure I’ll be able to find her again. I’m not sure I’d want to.

"I feel just like I’m sinking

and I claw for solid ground

I’m pulled down by the undertow

I never thought I could feel so low

Oh darkness, I feel like letting go"

You would admire how well I’ve held myself together. For months I’ve maintained a brave front, playing the part of the grieving widow so well. Everyone treats me kindly, but I’m not a fool, I know they slander you behind my back. Frankly, it’s begun to wear me down. I can’t sleep, food is unappealing. Paulina begs me to take the grubs to the Florida house for a vacation, but I snap at her and brush her off. I apologize, but I know I hurt her. It’s just that she doesn’t understand how strong and scared my memories of Key West are. Like the day I gave you to the ocean. The power of your presence was the only thing that kept me sane.

"if all of the strength and all of the courage

come and lift me from this place

I know I could love you much better than this

Full of grace

Full of grace

My love"

I lie and tell everyone I’m doing fine. They never argue and I don’t think they see the difference in me. You know Matt and Amanda; they only see what they want to see. To them, I am simply Mom. They won’t let themselves see the woman who aches with the loss of you every single day and that disappoints me. I’ve nearly stopped attending social functions and I’ve all but given up my art. Well, except for one very interesting little side project. I try so hard for my family, but I’m crumbling on the inside. If they understood how I feel about you, things would be better. At least I have our grubs.

"so it’s better this way, I said

having seen this place before

where everything we say and do

hurts us all the more"

I wish you could know your children. They are such a joy to me now that you’re gone. Both of them remind me so much of you. I keep a picture of you in their room and they always ask for stories about you at bedtime. Remember that old song you sang while tucking them in? Every night I have to sing it before they’ll even close their eyes. I’ve even captured all of their firsts on video as though you’re merely away on a business trip and will be home any minute. Wait ‘til my therapist gets a load of that one. I guess I do it because I still dream of your return. This may sound crazy, but there are days, moments, when I think you’ll walk into the room and tell me it was all a huge misunderstanding, that you were kidnapped and held against your will or that you’ve been ill and unable to send for me. It’s ridiculous, I know. That sort of thing only happens in the movies.

"it’s just that we’ve stayed too long

in the same old sickly skin

I’m pulled down by the undertow

I never thought I could feel so low

Oh darkness, I feel like letting go"

This is the hundredth time I’ve tried to write this damn letter, but hand was finally forced. Right now I’m on a plane to Key West to attend Amanda’s wedding. I’ll stay there tonight and walk along the beach, imagining you by my side holding my hand as though you never died. Then tomorrow I’ll contact the realtor and have the house put on the market. It’ll be rough to say goodbye to it, but we need the money. Without you the house is meaningless anyway.

"If all the strength

and all the courage

come and lift me from this place

I know I could love you much better than this

Full of grace

Full of grace

I tell myself that every day is the day I’ll begin letting go of you, but the days turn into weeks and I never get around to it. I can’t. I’m afraid I’ll forget you if I let go. I’m afraid I’ll forget the feel of your skin under my fingertips or your special laugh when I’ve told a joke. I don’t mind losing myself, as long as I can keep all of your memory. But I can’t go on like this. I hope you understand.

"I know I could love you much better than this

it’s better this way"

Forever my love,