The Biggest Heartache in Town

It was with a monumental effort he kept from crushing her to him and pouring his heart out. Heaven help him, he was still in love with her. He’d managed to bury his emotions under the same old veneer he thought he’d shed ages before. But, as always, Rachel had managed to crawl between the chinks and shatter his well-built defenses. With a little help from Amanda and his libido. Poor Amanda, always the bridesmaid…Perhaps his relationship with her had been his bizarre way of feeling closer to Rachel.

"Carl, where did things go wrong?"

In her quiet way, she lent voice to one of the many thoughts running through his mind.

"Ryan," he replied, giving the first answer that came to mind. "When Ryan died," he continued, "that’s when my world changed. Except for you. You were my constant."

"Ryan," she whispered. "He was a good man Carl, he didn’t deserve to die."

"I had lived my life committing every sin imaginable while he was nearly an innocent." The sadness in his voice was palpable. "Yet, it was the better man Death took first. Perhaps that is why I found his death so hard to handle."

"I know how it devastated you and I should’ve tried to understand, but I needed to protect my family against the violence you brought into our lives."

"I do understand. I know I took my grief too far in vowing vengeance against Grant. However, after the deaths of Bobby and Gabe, I had to see him brought to justice. I did work with the police, just as you asked."

"And all that got you was a bullet in your back." Rachel sighed. "I should have been there for you."

"Be glad you weren’t," he laughed. "I was very difficult. I would have turned you away darling. Pride and all that you know. We were officially divorced by then anyway. You had no obligation to me."

"I loved you Carl, that was reason enough." She snaked her arms around him and nestled into his body. "I just wish you still loved me," she mumbled to his neck. "We were so good together."

"Did I ever say I didn’t love you?" he asked quietly. His question hung in the air between them.

"Didn’t have to—I saw the two of you kissing outside the hospital. I was so jealous I couldn’t see straight."

"And at the apartment this morning?"

"I thought my heart would break when I heard your voice. I don’t like feeling jealous."

Carl digested her words. Never had he believed Rachel could still want him in her life. The promise of hope made his heart sing with happiness.

"Amanda and myself are not involved with one another, despite any attraction one of us might feel for another."

Rachel stirred in his arms as his words cut through her haze. "You’re not sleeping with her?"

"As I tried to tell you darling, Amanda and I are not lovers."

"No?"

"No. Your daughter is quite lovely, but she is not the one I want." His hands ran up her back, one burrowing into her hair and the other stroking her upper arm. "Much water has passed under the bridge for us Rachel."

Even through the thick material of her coat his touch sent shivers racing through her body. He was making it very difficult to think. "I’m a very strong swimmer."

"Your strength always was an attraction for me. I’m afraid I was the weak one."

"Never."

"I was, once." He raised a finger to trace the outline of her lips. "Time has changed me Rachel. I’ve become more cautious with my heart and myself. Gone are the days when I would give myself freely to any woman. Our passion still lives," he murmured, letting his hand brush along her cheek. "I know I love you as much as the day I married you. However…"

"However?" Her voice held a note of panic.

"Sssh." He placed a finger over her lips. "Now it is my turn to speak without interruption. Rachel," he continued, "I do not wish to risk giving myself to you again only to have you leave if it didn’t work out."

"I would never let you go again," she vowed.

"Never is a very long time my darling." He cupped her face with both hands. "The first time we married we swore nothing could ever part us. We believed our love could survive anything. And it did. We weathered every storm except that which we created. We are both to blame I suppose. If only I had let my revenge go, more than likely the need for this conversation would not exist."

"Pride was my downfall. Pride and stupidity."

"You were right to cut yourself loose from me Rachel."

"But it wasn’t right to let go without trying one more time. If only I’d opened my eyes to Grant," she sighed. "What’s done is done. I’d really rather not live in the past."

"Me either."

"So," Rachel said, snuggling as close as he would allow, "what are we going to do about it?"

"May I?" he asked, holding out his hands to her. Willingly, she placed her own in his. He squeezed them gently, terrified she was a dream that would shatter at any second.

"There was a time I thought I’d take anything you offered." He cleared his throat. "That I would give myself over to you without reserve. Now I know it’s impossible. I’m not the man you married."

All the joy drained from her at his words. "You say that like it’s a bad thing."

A smiled played around the corners of his mouth. "Yes my heart, I do love you," he told her, reading her mind. "And nothing would give me more pleasure than to have you be my love again."

"But?"

"I have a few, stipulations."

"Such as?"

He took a breath and hoped his wishes were not flung back in his face.

"For starters, I would like to take things between us slowly. We need to get to know one another again."

"That’s it?" Rachel laughed in relief. "Dear God, but you had me scared!"

"So you agree?"

"I’ll admit your request is very unlike you. I’m more accustomed to the take-charge man who goes after what he wants."

"He’s still there, never fear. Only this time he’s thinking with a level head."

"Unfortunately," Rachel muttered. "So, how are we going to work this?"

"I suppose I’ll contact you…"

"You will not. YOU give ME your number and I’ll call you." Joyous laughter bubbled up from deep inside her. "This time I’m going to woo you."

"Ah, a thoroughly modern woman. I believe I shall enjoy myself." Reaching inside his coat, he produced a business card and slid it into an outer pocket of her coat. "Promise me you will give me time."

"I promise."

"Promise me you’ll call."

"You can count on it. Now, shouldn’t we seal this deal?" Rachel leaned in only to find his hand between them.

"Shall we shake on it?" he asked slyly.

"I don’t think so," she replied, her voice a purr. She slowly ran her hands up his chest to the lapels of his coat and gently tugged him toward her. "Surely we can come up with a more, satisfying, way to kiss and make up?"

He pulled back and took in her heart-breaking face. How he had missed her gorgeous face. "I believe we can."

His arms wound around her, pulling her closer. Rachel’s lashes slid shut as she leaned forward, lips parted in invitation. Carl met her halfway, lowering his mouth to hers. Together they reveled in the feeling they were coming home.

Reluctantly, Rachel pulled away smiling and short of breath. "I think the earth moved."

"It was the elevator. It’s working again."

"Damn. Just when things were getting good." His lips nuzzled the area behind her ear, making her giggle. "I thought you wanted to go slow."

"I do," he said, moving to her lips, "but I need something to tide me over."

Before she could do some nibbling of her own, the doors slid open. Their eyes squinted against the intrusion of light as they were descended upon by well-meaning rescue workers. Within seconds Rachel felt herself wrenched from his warmth and spirited away.

Carl watched them lead her away and brushed off a pesky orderly. Suddenly, things were looking up.

()()())()()()

After running the last few blocks to the hospital Amanda was forced to climb the stairs when she finally realized the front elevators were out of order. The only thing she’d gotten for it had been a stitch in her side and the realization she shouldn’t have given up that gym membership. But she wasn’t about to let anything stand in her way.

Somehow she managed to drag her leaden legs up the final flight to the ICU floor. She leaned against the door in exhaustion only to have it pulled out from under her.

"Amanda?"

The sound of his voice put her at ease. His appearance was another issue.

"Carl, you look terrible."

"Do I?" He ran a hand through his mussed hair, still on cloud nine. "Better?"

"No."

"Doesn’t matter. Why are you here? I thought you were staying home today."

"I was, but my plans…changed."

"Changed?" He noticed how uneasy she looked. "How so?"

Amanda fidgeted, glad they were alone in the hallway. She itched to touch him, but didn’t dare. Besides, she was supposed to be upset with him for hiding Seamus. "Cindy is in Bay City. With some guy named Seamus who is sprawled out on my furniture as we speak."

His body stiffened before her eyes. Without another word, he was through the stairwell door. Amanda started after him only to feel an iron hand grip her shoulder.

"Amanda, what do you think you’re doing?"

She winced at the sound of suspicion in Paulina’s voice. "I thought I’d stop by to see Vicky."

Paulina’s hands were on her hips and she was giving her sister the evil eye. "Nuh-huh, like I believe that. Now I know who Rachel was talking about."

"You don’t understand Paulina…"

"Speaking of Rachel," Paulina continued, unwilling to listen to explanations, "she was in an accident. She’s down in the ER right now."

"Is she okay?"

"Gee, thanks for asking, but why don’t we go find out." Paulina pushed Amanda in front of her, allowing no chance for escape.

Amanda glanced behind them and sighed. She might not be able to follow him and demand answers, but at least she had gotten Carl away from Rachel.