UCDSCDRFA National News

THE GREAT RULER DIES!!!

CAPITOL BUILDING, THURSDAY NIGHT Last night, our great leader was killed by a minuet as performed by several string instruments taking part in the String Renaissance. When the press arrived, he said he would answer all questions, then didn't and said "April Fools!" and laughed at the reporters and mocked them as they left the building in disgust. Our Leader held his funeral last night and insisted that he perform the ceremony himself. Durning the service he occasionally slipped in jokes about the TV News Reporters, who, in turn, left in disgust again. "He conducted everything perfectly at the cemetery," Jonathan Mavrick, a man who attended the funeral, said. "When he asked for a volunteer to get in the casket so he wouldn't have to, I was so depressed that I thought it only right that I volunteered, so I said my wife would be more than pleased to. When he closed to lid, I felt as though a great burden had been lifted from me." After the ceremony, when asked to comment on his funeral, our leader pretended that he couldn't hear the TV Reporters. They, once again, left in disgust. Recently, a group of fanatics has formed a society that marks the ruler's "death" as a scandal. They are to be executed publically on the 15th of every month, running from 1:00-3:00; a two hour long special!

ABOVE: Raffi sings "Banana Phone" as the casket is being lowered into the vault in the backyard of a house just outside of Newark, NJ, USA, the only place affordable, and the only place Raffi would perform.

MULTIPLE STRING INSTRUMENTS STORM CAPITOL BUILDING; MUCH CLASSICAL MUSIC IS HEARD COMING FROM INSIDE

CAPITAL CITY Finally, after years of tension and constant abuse, the Strings snapped. They ran rampant through the streets of every town between them and the Capital, entertaining people and bringing pleasure to the entire country. These horrid acts were sworn to be stopped by chief of the IJLIJBWBIJI (Instrumental Justice League of Instrumental Justice Bringers Who Bring Instrumental Justice to Instuments). We could not quote him on anything, but he did comment, "Those strings were about to go to the chopping block, anyway. I figure a little flamethrower action, some bloody gun battles, a few nuclear cow bombs, a gold fish taped to a scud missile, a ------ *static*-----------*yes, on a text-based news source*--------------" HEY KIDS! BRING YOUR FAMILY TO THE ALL NEW BUTCHER/MEAT PACKING PLANT DOWNTOWN IN THAT ONE CITY SOMEWHERE OVER IN THAT GENERAL DIRECTION! REMEMBER TO BRING YOUR OWN GAS GRILL, CAR, CHECKBOOK, AIRPLANE, ATOM BOMB AND SPACE STATION TO... SEE A MAGIC TRICK! WE'RE NOT THE SAME CON ARTISTS THAT STOLE YOUR TVS, HOUSES, DOGS, AND FUTURE GRANDCHILDREN! ... *whisper, whisper, whisper*... uh, IN FACT, WE'RE NOT CON ARTISTS AT ALL! WE'RE A LOVING TROUPE OF TRAVELLING TOASTER OVENS DOWN ON THEIR LUCK JUST TRYING TO SELL VINTAGE ROLODEXES... AT... NO CHARGE WHATSOEVER etc. ect. fine print etc. etc.!THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE BEFORE WE... *angry whisper*... I mean... I NEVER KNEW MY MOTHER AND HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY ALIEN SPACESHIP TO KILL MY EVIL CLONE KEVIN RIGHT BYE! *BLAM BLAM BLAM!* *test pattern* Last night, the president advised all citizens to "stay inside. And drink from the far side of a glass. That's supposed to cure stuff like this..."  For more on this story, see The Revenge of the Strings!

1st chair String Bass posing with weapon outside of Capitol Building.