Ashes of Truth
By Anisky

Disclaimer: Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to me.

I've never kept a boyfriend for very long. Haven't they noticed that? Mary would like the same guy for years at a time, and same with Matt, but not me. They see me as Lucy, the one who tries to be perfect. Going to be Mom someday... always chasing after boys.

Mary really gets obsessed with guys. Same with Matt and girls, and now Simon is the same way. I never really have had that feeling everyone else has had. I go out with guys only to find that I have nothing of the passion or feeling that Matt or Mary or Simon talk about.

For a while I just thought that maybe there was something wrong with them... after a while it morphed into something wrong with me. Maybe I just couldn't feel that way, or maybe I was just expecting too much.

Yesterday I think I discovered exactly what was wrong with me.


****


Lucy sighed and looked back at the words written in her journal. She smoothed out the paper and read over the words again, chewing on her pencil nervously as she did so.


****


Cassie came new to school a month ago. We got to be really good friends, but I'd feel strange around her. Sort of shy and nervous. Yesterday after school we were hanging out outside the school and she told me that I was beautiful. Me, beautiful? I sort of laughed and said that I wasn't... that's when she leaned over and kissed me.

I was startled but it felt so good. Exactly the way I always thought kisses were supposed to feel. Soft and warm but also intense and magical somehow. Like nothing I'd ever experienced with a guy.

I was confused and pulled back... she apologized hurriedly, she looked so scared... scared that I wouldn't want to be around her anymore. I told her to hush, told her that it was alright... then I leaned in to kiss her. I kissed her.

It was even better that time. She and I connected in a way I only dreamed about with guys. Things seemed to fall into place, about the way I'd always felt but never understood. Her tongue slid into my mouth and finally it felt like more than an assault.

I haven't known Cassie for very long, but I think ... I think I love her. Is that possible? I can't stop thinking about her, can't wait to meet her again today at the Mall. Her soft, silky hair and her hazel eyes that look at me in a way that thrills me. I've been told all my life that it's wrong, but how can it be? It feel so, so right. More right than anything else.


****


Lucy looked back down at the paper. She had everything out, there was just one more thing to add.


****


All I know is, my parents, my family, my friends can't know. Ever.


****


With that, she placed her pencil down next to the paper and read it over once more. She smiled slightly, glancing at her watch. She'd have to leave soon to meet Cassie.

She ripped the page out of her journal and placed it in a bowl. She struck a match and lit the paper on fire, watching with a mixture of sadness and fascination as the words she'd spilled onto the paper slowly vanished into a smoky hiss, and all that was left in the bowl was ashes.

"They can't know," whispered Lucy, tears coming to her eyes. "I'll date guys, talk about guys, even kiss guys..." She picked up the bowl of ashes and poured them into the trashcan, placing the bowl on her desk. "But I'll always love you, Cassie. I promise."

She checked her watch again. Time to go.