Boundaries

Healthy

Unhealthy

I consider the other person's level of interest and     caring before opening up to them.

Telling all.

I do not overwhelm a person with things about me. I     trust step-by-step as I feel I am getting trust in return.

Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.

I allow love to develop. I know the qualities I need     in a relationship and those that are negative for me. I take time to check     those out in a new acquaintance.

Falling in love with a new acquaintance.

When someone reaches out to me, I ask myself whether     this person has the qualities I need.

Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.

When I am in a relationship, I am able to     compartmentalize; other areas of my life and to continue to     function in them.

Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied.

Acting on first sexual impulse.

My feelings and my self-esteem decide whether I act on  sexual impulses. Will I feel good about myself? is my first  question.

Being sexual for partner not self.

I do not fake sexual feelings. I do not  have sex to avoid hurting my partner's feelings. I cannot be nagged or   blackmailed emotionally into having sex.

I have values which are not negotiable in a     relationship. I am not willing to do anything for a partner.

Going against personal values or rights to please     others.

I am wary of someone who wants to get too close to me too soon. I notice whether someone I am beginning to relate to has values and opinions.

Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate     boundaries.

I notice when someone is overly helpful, tries to make decisions for me, or does not consult me about time commitments.

Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.

Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex.

I decide before accepting something whether I want to  do it. I do not ask whether the other person's feelings will be hurt if I refuse.

I do not touch others without thinking about whether     they have given me signals that it is okay.

Touching a person without asking.

Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.

I do not test in a relationship by keeping track of how much is given me as a way of measuring love.

Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.

I do not give beyond what I can afford materially or     emotionally because it makes me feel secure to think I have sacrificed for the other person.

Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.

I am aware of when I am being taken advantage of and I     am willing to confront the other person about it.

I know what I want from life and have goals in many     areas. I listen to opinions but make the decisions for myself.

Letting others direct your life.

I assume that my perception of what is going on is     just as accurate as my partner's in a relationship. I refuse to allow my  partner to tell me, You don't feel that way.

Letting others describe your reality.

I know who I am. I am wary of partners who want me to     be different.

Letting others define you.

Believing others can anticipate your needs.

I do not expect others to read my mind about what is     going on with me. I tell them.

Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.

I do not expect others to put me first in everything     we do together. I do not expect a partner to make me OK just by being     there.

Falling apart so someone will take care of you.

I do not play games about how I feel to get sympathy     or support.

Self-abuse, Sexual and Physical abuse, Food abuse,     Work abuse.

I respect myself as a person who is worthwhile. I     believe I am in charge of my body and what others do to it. I take care of  my body and my health as a part of my respect for me as a total person.

Addictions & more Debbie J. Kuehnel, LCSW 314-821-7211