DARRYL HALL WROTE PRIVATE EYES WHILE PICKING HIS NOSE ON A SUBWAY

i write songs based on conversations.

darryl hall talked to his boogers.

last week we talked about finding hairs in casseroles at dinner parties. then the prison trade in temporary tatoos and camel bucks. recent developments in public housing in chicago as well as the tits on that weather girl: she's detachable. how to cook a better burger. what to do when your fingers smell like onions. how to handle the crowds which gather around stroke victims. where to buy the best brand-name wet matches for st. patrick's.

this week we discussed g-strings and the migration of anal bacterium to the pudendae of our most illustrious lovers. i'm coming out with a coloring book.

i shouldna have eaten that thing.

robert pollard, i was told, claims to be able to pen five songs while taking a dump and three of them will be good enough to publish. eat that, virgin records exec with your limp penis on your private jet. (another word for foreigner.) when you scratch, does anyone catch the crackers falling from the sleeve? prepackaged, not ravaged by consumer tastes (testes, estrus, confabulation). as a child i would lick crackers 'til they were limp as the wrists of luxiously appointed boardroom execs. stop secrete-ing and start bleating, baby.

the dumps I take are a big parta my day.
 pure partin satisfaction. there are some organ functions i wont talk about. sometimes i am introducing myself these days. as Mister Leptins or Jerome Analgesic.
 i asked that she remove her eucalyptus. (bend at the waist) they done served me ensnared and enslaved by my good guts they are. my good guts.

i'm a gut jockey.

another word for penis will be frontispiece.
Jello mold glasses.
wiggleator.

ahhhh, the Jello mold has developed a foreskin. i think i'll go play 493 holes of golf on the computer.

pickled foreskins. the Piggly Wiggly's got it all!

here. hold this while i tie my tie. she wont move.


back to where it all started, plain and pimply




sputem color coordinator
and odor emancipation


open bar at the
bar mitzvah to the stars


terse tips on dinner conversation
(spicing it up, up, and away)


compleat guide to pilsner by
the inventor of the air conditioner


handtowel please

This is a spaceholder. What are you?


split the time line
such that Abe Lincoln gets to meet
Mr. Potato Head in a debate
winner gets the kidney transplant