The feeling of heaviness stayed with Janeway as she woke some ten hours later. Even before she was fully awake the image of Chakotay's injury assaulted her memory again. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts only led to shuddering and shivering. She walked to the replicator and said, "Coffee, black," thinking that her usual beverage would help restore her equilibrium.
As the replicator produced the desired item, she reached for her communicator, saying, "Computer, where is Commander Chakotay?"
"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."
"Captain Janeway to the Doctor"
"Yes, Captain?"
"Doctor, how is Commander Chakotay?"
"Recovering nicely, Captain. He should be cleared for duty within a day or two. As for yourself, Captain, I recommend taking at least one more shift to rest up. I will authorize extra replicator rations if that will help you eat some full, nutritious meals."
"That won't be necessary for me, Doctor, but please do so for the Commander." The thought of food for herself was an unsettling one. Maybe talking to Chakotay would help. "I would like to pay a visit to Commander Chakotay. Can you tell me if he is awake?"
"I spoke with him a short time ago. He was fully alert then."
"Thank you, Doctor. Janeway out."
She dressed and walked next door.
=====
"We have been in the Delta Quadrant too long to start keeping score now, Chakotay."
"But we haven't been here so long that I'm willing to take you for granted, Kathryn Janeway. If it had been anybody else in the Flyer with me...."
"Chakotay, almost any of the crew would have been able..."
"No, Kathryn, I'm serious. Most of them would have been stunned long enough that I would have bled to death. And even if someone else could have gotten to me in time, who else would have thought of using the transporter to save my arm? Kim, Torres, maybe Tuvok and Vorik. I owe you. More than once.... Brings new meaning to the phrase 'life and limb', doesn't it?"
At the word 'limb', she blanched and gulped for breath. Seeing her distress, he asked, "Kathryn, what is it? Are you OK?"
In a very low voice, Janeway said, "I am just shocky." She paused, gulped and continued, "Can I throw up now, please?"
Quickly and without speaking, he led her to the toilet. One arm supporting her head and the other under her belly, Chakotay held Kathryn while she suffered through a series of dry heaves.
After she recovered a bit, he drew her out about what had happened in the crash. When she had talked awhile, he brought her back to his sofa, and ordered coffee with cream and sugar from the replicator. Taking a flask from his desk, he poured a good bit of some pungent smelling liquid into it.
"Kathryn, if you won't go to the Doctor, at least try the old fashioned remedy for shock. This isn't quite like proper Irish coffee, but it should do the trick - for medicinal purposes." Putting the mug into her hands, he said, "Drink it, Kathryn. You need something."
Sniffing at the drink, Janeway asked, "Huh, what is this stuff?"
"Something I won off Tom Paris last year. Where he got it, it is probably better not to know. Believe me, it tastes better in coffee than it does straight."
She drank it and one more afterwards. She relaxed some, sitting on the sofa. When she started shivering again, he put his arms around her. They sat like that in silence for about half an hour. Then she noticed how sleepy she was getting and wanted to go back to bed. But Chakotay was worried about her and said so.
"Kathryn, I don't think you should be alone now. If you go back to your quarters, I will notify the Doctor and have him monitor your vital signs. Why don't you stay here for a while?"
"I won't be very good company - I'm about to fall asleep."
"So am I. Shall we be daring and sleep together?"
"Here on this star-fleet issued sofa? I'm scandalized." She laughed and tried to stifle a yawn.
He laughed, shut his eyes and leaned his head back against the back of the sofa. She snuggled into his chest, kicked off her shoes and pulled her feet up onto a cushion.
=====
They slept that way for a couple hours. Kathryn had been dreaming about other places than Voyager. As she drifted awake, she did not at first remember where she was. She leaned her head to kiss the nearest shoulder that was attached to the arms around her. As that word flitted through her mind, full awareness returned and with it, the shuddering that woke Chakotay.
"Kathryn, are you alright?" he asked in a hushed voice.
She shook her head, "I keep thinking about what would have happened if I hadn't gotten to you."
"You have to let that go, Kathryn. You did get to me. I'm here and I'm fine." His arms tightened around her as he spoke.
She stroked up and down his arms, as if to reassure herself. He nuzzled the back of her neck, making her sigh. He kissed her there, and kept holding her. Again weariness claimed them both and they drowsed together.
=====
Something about the mood of the day, something about the exhaustion of mind and body put them both off their guard. The walls were down. They woke again in one another's arms. The luxury of warmth and comfort overwhelmed them. The physical closeness danced in their subconscious minds, danced with the long bond of shared peril. When they woke, they woke past the lines of duty and common sense that had bounded them before.
Their bodies moved together without conscious direction. Kathryn turned her face toward Chakotay and her lips softly, gently grazed his. The whisper-light touch of mouths swiftly melted into thirsting, starving connection - tongues striving against one another. Without breaking the kiss, he lifted her onto his lap where she straddled him. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she ran her hands through his short hair.
He caresssed her back down her spine, then up along her sides so that she could feel his hands nearer her breasts than they had ever been in all their casual touching. Down again around her hips, his hands stroked over her buttocks. She had been receptive before, mentally ready to be touched. But with this she became physically aroused, a lightning bolt of desire shot through her lower abdomen and across her back.
Kathryn rocked her hips into his lap, pressing her groin against Chakotay's. He drew a hard breath in response. His own arousal blossomed and his member became erect so that she could feel him straining against the cloth that separated them. Burning souls met in their eyes and agreed. If either could tear away enough mind to speak with, the spell of desire would break.
With both hands in her hair, he brought her face back to his and they kissed again. Hungrily penetrating her mouth, his tongue slid over hers faster and faster. He caressed her sensitive ears with his thumbs.
As they kissed, Kathryn's hands reached for the fastenings of her uniform tunic. When her own uniform hung open around her breasts, she unbuttoned his pajama shirt and slid it over his shoulders. Chakotay untangled his hands from her hair and let the shirt fall off, then he pushed her tunic open more. He stroked her belly and sides, fingers gliding close to her bra, but not yet touching her breasts. She shrugged the tunic off and he reached for the front closure of her bra.
He broke their kiss to look at her breasts while he drew it off her. Feeling his gaze, she looked into his eyes and suddenly her universe was chocolate-brown. His lips returned to hers for a moment then he trailed kisses down her throat, his teeth gently and briefly capturing her sensitive skin. At the same time he trailed his fingers over her naked back, tracing big circles over her ribs - getting nearer and nearer her breasts.
Just as he began tracing his fingers over the outside curves of her breasts, she backed away from him. Scooting off his lap, Kathryn knelt on the floor in front of Chakotay. She reached to his waist and undid his pajama bottoms displaying his stiff erection. She lightly, ever so lightly, ran her fingers up and down the shaft. Chakotay gulped for breath, and let it out in a hiss. She smeared her thumb in the drops of moisture on the tip, then rubbed it around and around the head. As she continued stroking him, he panted in time to the measure she played on him.
She paused. Looking up at him, she reached for the waistband of his pajamas and tugged downwards on them. Understanding her intent, he raised himself off the sofa enough that she could pull the pants out from under him. When he was completely naked, she again reached for his hard penis. While stroking it, she began nipping gently at his inner thigh. With a sharp intake of breath, Chakotay caressed her cheek and guided her face away from his bare flesh. Their eyes met again and he shook his head, a minute movement.
He slid toward her, easing his way off the sofa. Kathryn moved back on the floor, giving him room. He caught the back of her neck and drew her close for another kiss - this time more tender, more tentative. As they kissed, he traced a line from the back of her neck, down her spine, and around to her stomach. With one hand he unsnapped her trousers and slowly, teasingly eased them off her hips. The other hand stroked up to her ribs. Back and forth across Kathryn's abdomen, he caressed, touching her as lightly as possible, finger tips hardly grazing her skin. With each stroke his hand moved upwards.
At length, Chakotay's hands cupped her breasts. His thumbs rubbed over her tightened nipples. He kissed his way along her neck, past her collar bone, down her chest to her breast. Taking a nipple into his mouth, he alternated suckling that one point with opening his mouth to take in as much of her as he could. Her breath came deeper and faster in response. At the same time, he continued to tease the other nipple, rolling it between thumb and forefinger.
When he kissed across her chest to her other breast to take it in his mouth, he began caressing her thighs, running his hands up and down, closer and closer to her vulva. He ran his fingers all through the patch of hair at her center. Then slowly, almost imperceptibly, his fingers crept further between her legs. Slick, moist and ready for his attention, Kathryn looked again into his eyes, nodding encouragement.
Slowly, Chakotay inserted a finger into her, rubbing her clitoris with his palm. She gasped for breath, and panted in time to his strokes. A second finger invaded her and she began rocking her hips onto his hand. Still he suckled at her breast, teasing the hardened nipple with tongue and teeth. After a time, he nibbled his way to her neck, then back to her lips - kissing, teasing, loving her.
As he stroked his fingers into her center deeper and faster, he began to find the most sensitive area inside her, gradually pulsing more pressure against her vaginal wall. Her breath came even faster and her internal muscles pulsed with his hand. Pleasure built up like steam under perfect pressure, and soon Kathryn's whole body was in tremors.
Their mouths open to one another, their eyes open to each other, their souls open - once more their agreement neither needed nor could find words. Slowly Chakotay caressed his hands to her hips, and lifted her onto his kneeling lap. She straddled him, and with one gentle hand guided his hard, throbbing member into her core as she sank down on him. He sighed, nearly moaning, as he felt how tight she was around him. Their eyes met again in this moment, and their souls swam eternity together.
Their arms around one another, they held on to each other knowing that any moment this love would be torn from them. Thrusting into her, Chakotay renewed his kisses - on her lips, along her jaw, up to her temples, over her eyes. Kathryn tightened her muscles around him, matching his rhythm stroke for stroke. Thrusting harder and harder, he began pushing against her cervix, as she bore down to meet him. Rocking fiercely together, she felt him coming inside her, and she climaxed again, her muscles milking him, pleasure drawn out.
With the last of his exhausted strength, Chakotay lifted Kathryn. He took most of her weight on his right arm to spare his recovering left arm. She clung to him as he carried her to his bed. He laid her down on the bed and pulled a warm blanket up, and slid into bed next to her.
=====
Kathryn woke several hours later, easing into alertness. The rest had done her good, and she felt more spontaneous energy than she had in ages as well as warm, completely comforted, sated in an almost unfamiliar way. Slowly it came back to her where she was, what had happened. The impossibility of the situation brought bile to her throat, and the hint of tears to her eyes.
Not wanting to leave without a word, she reached over to Chakotay, gently shaking his shoulder. He woke and looked her in the eyes. Guessing what she meant to say, he touched her mouth with his fingers, stopping her words. He shook his head, a movement barely noticeable. As his eyes held hers, he pleaded with her not to speak, not to spoil what had been.
A month later, they were still avoiding one another's eyes. Still they hardly spoke outside of duty. The inevitable, interminable turbolift ride alone together passed almost in silence. Seconds before they would have reached their destination, Captain Janeway barked out, "Halt turbolift," her voice breaking as she did so.
Chakotay stared hard at her, but waited for her to speak. Seconds passed while she regained control of her voice. "This isn't working, Chakotay. We need to talk."
"Kathryn, there's nothing to be said. We can't go back. We can't go forward. The only question is, do we hold on?"
"Hold on to what? Hold on how long?"
"The only way to find those answers is in the doing. There are no promises between us - no guarantees. This side of the Alpha Quadrant, there can't be. Computer, resume turbolift."