Volume 2000, Number 1
by SCRVPVLVS, revised 6/19/2000 (previously published 10/23/1999)
A blood donor is good for people who go through windshields and red lights.
For somebody with leukemia.
For people being operated on.
For barefoot kids who aren't careful.
For people who are into feudin' and fightin'.
For hemophiliacs and daredevils.
For people undergoing dialysis while waiting for a kidney transplant.
A blood donor is good for life!
-- American Red Cross
SCRVPVLVS does not donate blood at blood drives. His sympathy for the people who would benefit is not strong enough to overcome his great discomfort with being spiked and drained. Let them get blood from people who are more sympathetic or less uncomfortable.
His company is sponsoring a blood drive. To encourage him to donate, they offered the American Red Cross statement quoted above. It's not making him any more sympathetic.
You don't know me, but I ran a red light today. Guess I wasn't paying attention. Maybe I had a drink or two. I hope the other car didn't contain anyone I knew. Anyhow: I wasn't wearing my seat belt at the time, so I shattered the windshield with my thick skull and impaled myself on the shards on my way out the window. Can I have some blood so I can drive again?
You don't know me, but my body won't make blood cells. I will die of infection if I do not I undergo expensive treatment. There's an even chance that I'll be cured and die years later of an unrelated cause. If not, the treatment may still prolong my life for several years.1 Last year, as an average American I used thirty times the natural resources that a person in a developing country uses, and five times as much energy as the world average.2 Can I have some blood so I can consume the Earth?
You don't know me, but I require surgery to cure a medical condition. Or maybe a tummy tuck. See above.
You don't know me, but my parents let me run barefoot without supervision in back alleys / barns / crack houses. Today I drove a broken bottle / rake / dirty needle through my foot. If you will give me some blood, my mom says I can take you on a barefoot tour of my barn.
You don't know me, but that bitch got a knife into me last night. Sure, I knocked her around a bit, she deserved it. Can I have some of your blood? I miss my girlfriend.
You don't know me, but when I am wounded, I don't stop bleeding, and today I sprang a leak. This is common in my family, and causes a lot of pain and grief when somebody dies. Fortunately the women don't suffer from it, but they pass it along to their children just like the men.3 Can I have some blood? My daughter needs her dad.
You don't know me, but my parachute lines got tangled in the Foresthill Road Bridge when I jumped off of it and I landed on a pile of rocks. I was hoping to have some blood, man, 'cause there's only one more legal BASE-jumping day in Auburn this year.4
You don't know me, but my kidneys have failed because my family passed along a polycystic kidney disorder / I have diabetes brought on by lack of exercise and over-consumption / I don't take my blood pressure medication.5 See above.
SCRVPVLVS reserves his blood for those who he loves. He enjoys them and chooses to be with them as long as he can. He wants to do what is in his power to prolong their lives. His feelings about those who he loves are probably strong enough to overcome his discomfort about giving blood. For example, if he has a child whose blood type is compatible, he plans to store up some frozen red blood cells for emergencies. He may even store up some for himself.6
But SCRVPVLVS' colleagues can waste their time and bodily fluids on reckless, gluttonous, inbred, violent, lazy strangers if that's what they want.
1. Leukemia Society of America, Leukemia, http://www.leukemia.org/docs/leuk_rel/leukemia.html.
2. Zero Population Growth, Living in a Material World, http://www.zpg.org/Reports_Publications/Reports/report36.html.
3. World Federation of Hemophilia, Hemophilia: facts for families, http://www.wfh.org/facts.html.
4. Chris Hayes / The Sacramento Bee, The shortest three seconds in all of sports, http://www.sacbee.com/sports/great_outdoors/extreme/base.html.
5. National Kidney Foundation, About Kidney Disease, http://www.kidney.org/general/aboutdisease/.
6. American Association of Blood Banks, Facts About Blood and Blood Banking, http://www.aabb.org/docs/facts.html.
Copyright © 1999, 2000 SCRVPVLVS. All rights reserved.