"I AM NOT GAY!" screamed Ron in the middle of the beginning of 5th year banquet.

Everyone stared.

"...and what exactly brought about this little comment?" asked Hermione.

"I dunno," Ron shrugged. "I just felt like saying it."

*

A few minutes later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking down the hall to their common room.

"So, Ron," said Harry, "How exactly did you figure out that you weren't gay?"

Ron, by now, was regretting his little outburst.

"Oh," said Hermione, "that must have been over the summer when he burst in on me and Viktor Krum snogging and - well, never mind," she finished, seeing Ron GLARE at her.

But before anyone could figure out exactly what Ron had done, Voldemort appeared.

Hermione's face went an alarming shade of puce. "YOU CAN'T APPARATE OR DISAPPARATE INSIDE HOGWARTS!!!" she screamed, and then collapsed on the floor from the nightmarish amounts of stress resulting from the fact that someone had just done something impossible.

"There are other ways of appearing out of thin air," said Voldemort.

"Oh," said Hermione. "How come I never read about them?"

Voldemort shrugged. "It's Dark Magic, mostly."

"But I read Dark Magic books!" said Hermione.

"ADVANCED Dark Magic."

"I read those first!"

"Oh, fine," said Voldemort. "If you must know, I made it up just a few seconds ago so I could get to Hogwarts."

"Wait!" said Harry. "This is all wrong! You're not supposed to get to Hogwarts until the end of the book when -"

"Shut up," said Voldemort, and put all three of them in straightjackets.

*

After a long hard journey, everyone ended up at the mysterious little graveyard place where Voldemort and the Death Eaters always met.

"I have two very important announcements to make," said Voldemort. "First of all, we've captured Harry Potter and two of his friends." There was a resounding cheer at this news. "Second of all, I just found out I'm two weeks pregnant."

Hermione screamed. "But that's physically impossible! You don't have the various bodily parts needed to -"

"Let's not go there," said Voldemort in amusement. "Didn't anybody tell you? To become Voldemort, I went through all kinds of dangerous, magical transformations. One of them was a sex change. In other words, I'm really a girl."

"Oh," said Hermione. "How come that was never in the history books?"

"Because the wizards who wrote them didn't want to damage your innocent little brains. It's the same reason they don't give you sex education at Hogwarts."

Hermione snorted. "MY brains are un-damageable."

"You'd be surprised..."

"So... er... who's the father?" asked Harry, trying to distract the two from their argument, which he knew might result in Hermione's death if it went on.

"ME!!!" said all the Death Eaters at once. They then proceeded to glare at each other.

"Well, I don't know either," said Voldemort, "but it's someone of the human species, anyway..."

Hermione gasped. "Voldemort, how stupid! Don't you know that having multiple sexual partners can result in a higher risk of STDs and unwanted -"

"Shut up," said Voldemort again. "This stupid baby is making me feel sick and I'm not in a good mood right now, so please don't argue with me."

"Yes, sir - I mean, ma'am," said Hermione, and shut up.

"My foot itches," said Harry.

"Well," said Voldemort, "maybe if you hadn't protested the time of my arrival, I wouldn't have put you in a straightjacket, and you would be able to SCRATCH your (censored) foot!"

Harry sulked.

Voldemort summoned a box of saltine crackers and began frenziedly stuffing them in her mouth.

"Aww, look at the little punum..." said Peter Pettigrew.

"The little WHAT?"

"Just a word I made up."

Voldemort put down the crackers. "Well, we mustn't let this little development keep us from killing Muggles and Mudbloods and people like Harry Potter and taking over the world..."

"Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh!!!" yelled Lucius Malfoy suddenly.

Everyone else stared.

"It's Hebrew," he explained. "It means 'my monkey is on fire'."

Sure enough, a howler monkey (they live in the rainforest in Brazil, in case anybody cares) was jumping around on one of the gravestones, howling even louder than usual because it was burning up.

Voldemort threw up on the ground.

Eventually the monkey died and things returned to normal - or as normal as they could be under these peculiar circumstances.

"Out of curiosity," said Voldemort, "does anyone know who the father is?"

Hermione (who else?) did a neat little spell, which to everyone's shock revealed that the father of Voldemort's baby was none other than Ron Weasley.

"Hey," said Ron, "at least I'm not gay..."

"I think my brain has been damaged," moaned Hermione.

--fin--