The Thirteen Step Program to Gabriella Obsession
by Aragog

A/N: Mandy, you BETTER be satisfied with this, I put off time to write more of my series to type this. Lovingly dedicated to The Great Voldy. I'm only in Gryffindor because I'm the moderator, dear. Otherwise I'd be cheering for Slytherin on the sidelines right along with you. And we're plenty creative.

"Aack!" Voldie looked in the mirror and screamed, waking up a snoozing Wormtail, who jumped and yelled, "Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh!"

"There's no monkey on fire. And I'm pregnant."

Wormtail jumped up, terrified, "I swear, I'm not the father! I can't pay child support! And when did you learn Hebrew?"

"I certainly hope you weren't the father. And you can thank Mandy for the Hebrew tutoring sessions."

"Then who was?"

"Well," Voldie suddenly looked very uncomfortable, "You see, erm, it's a long story."

"I've got plenty of time," said Wormtail carefully, reaching for his Fido cellphone (with a red faceplate!) and began dialling the insane asylum.

"That night I watched them film a Xena episode? I, er..," Voldie trailed off.

Wormtail nearly dropped the phone in horror, "Not Gabriella." Voldie nodded.

"Listen, the men in the white coats are here, they'll put you in a nice straitjacket. Bye!" With that, Wormtail hurtled out, leaving James Marsters and Anthony Stewart-Head to tie Voldie up in a straitjacket and drive him off in a cheesewagon (it's the Death Eater way to travel!).

When they arrived at the asylum, the lady at the desk nearly went into hysterics, "No! Please! Not another fanfic author, we don't have room!"

"It's Voldie. He has chronic Gabriella obsession. He thinks he's carrying her child."

"Oh, good! We get a lot of those. Usually teenagers with brown hair though..."

"FOR THE LAST TIME, MY HAIR IS AUBURN!" yells an older teen who is presently being dragged away by Lockheart, "AND MY FOOT ITCHES!"

The lady smiled and waved merrily at the screaming teen, "Of course it is, dearie. Have fun with Lockheart!" She turned to Voldie and the two asylum workers, "Do take him out of that jacket, those things are deadly uncomfortable. Take him through the door at the right. There's a support group on now."

James and Anthony pushed him through the door, and into a weakly lit room.

Once his eyes adjusted to the light, Voldie looked around and screamed out in terror. It seemed to be filled with geeky boys and woman dressed like Gabriella from Xena.

"Welcome to the Thirteen Step Program to Gabriella Obsession!" Rita Skeeter was at the head of the room, "Welcome Voldie!"

"Thirteen Step Program?"

"Yes. The eleventh step is when you watch another Xena episode and once again become addicted to Gabriella. Then you spend the next two steps trying to undo the damage."

"Oh," Voldie sat down with a little difficulty. He is pregnant!

"So, tell us, when did you realise that you were obsessed with Gabriella?"

"Well, I began carrying a large stick like she does a few months ago (A/N: Go Great Voldy, YEAH!), and now I'm carrying her child."

Everyone shook their heads in sympathy and patted Voldie on the shoulder.

"Well, I have all her posters. All of them," said a middle-aged woman with her hair bleached blonde, "And I began wearing small, tight leather outfits." A man in the back gave a great hoot.

The woman turned on him, "Well, mister smarty-pants, I didn't announce her as my fiancée!

"Yeah! She's mine!" the boy with the auburn hair stood up and glared at the man in the back, "And I'm not married, at least!"

The man at the back jumped to his feet. He was none other than Vernon Dursley, "Shut your trap!"

"Make me!"

"Don't you get smart with me, sonny!"

"People, people, please!" Rita waved her arms, "Would Gabriella want us to act like this?" Everyone shook their heads solemnly, "Good. Let us all turn to the screen at the back of the room."

The screen showed a picture of Gabriella.

"Aw, what a cute little punum!" called Vernon.

"Anyone here think that this woman is ugly?" said Rita. No one moved.

"But this is step nine! You're supposed to be repelled by any pictures of Gabriella!"

Voldie laughed out loud, "That won't be happening anytime soon, honey."

"Oh. Then this is useless. Why don't we watch some Xena!" Everyone cheered.

Rita popped a video into the VCR.

"Wait a buggering minute!" wailed Voldie, "This is Muppets from Space!"

"Shh!" Vernon hissed, "Miss Piggy looks like Gabriella after a while. Just watch."

Voldie stared at the screen, "You're right! Wormtail, fetch me some popcorn! Ranch flavour!"

"Ooo, you're a brave one! Ranch flavoured!" said the teenage boy.

Wormtail dropped the bowl of popcorn on Voldie's head, and ran off doing the Scooby dance.

"Go Xander," yelled Voldie, jumping up and down, pregnant and with a bowl of smelly popcorn on his head, "Whoo HOOO!!!"

A/N: That won't win, but it'll make the Great Voldy happy! I don't own ANYONE.

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