Having My Baby
by TheLonelyTaco

A/N: I don't own Harry Potter

"OKAY NOW BREATH! BREATH! BREATH!," screamed The doctor. "BREATH!"

"Will you shut up you puntz," screamed Voldemort, over his engorged belly.

"Now, Voldie, you're gonna need to co-operate," assured Ron, placing his hand on Voldemort. Never in all of Ron's 36 years, did he think he would grow up to be a wizard doctor. But they were into the $$$BLING$$$ $$$BLING$$$ (sorry, I couldn't resist!) so all was well. The magicked stretcher rolled into a room crowded with medical equipment. Suddenly, a young doctor assistant in training ran up to Ron.

The young man gasped and panted, "Is... the... Father... Here?"

"No," replied Ron. "This baby's gonna be born out of wedlock." The young D.A.'s eyes widened. "Now go get me the scalpel!" The man ran off to retrieve the supplies, while the rest of the doctors and nurses crowded around Voldemort's stretcher.

"WILL YOU ALL HURRY UP BEFORE I OBLITERATE YOU," screeched Voldemort. While he screamed, the heart monitor beeping went faster. Ron, who didn't wanna be obliterated on the night of the big game, ran to Voldemort's * achem * end.

"Okay, need to dilate the- say um... what do we dilate?" None of the other doctors or nurses answered. "Um, ok," said Ron shakily. "Mr Voldemort. We have a slight problem..."

"What?!?! Is the baby coming out feet first," yelled Voldemort with a fearful look.

"Um, the problem is that it's got no way to go out, feet first for even that matter."

"SO help me God, okay so he would never help me, if my baby dies, YOU DIE!" Then he grabbed his wand and sent a lightning bolt at a D.A., who fell on the floor and died. Big beads of sweat ran down Ron's head, then he snatched the wand out of his hand!

"We gotta sedate him," shouted a doctor!

"We can't do that to a pregnant woma- I mean man!" Ron's eyes darted around the room until they fell upon a straight jacket left by Hermione, who worked in the insane department. After about a half hour of struggle, they managed to buckle Voldemort down.

"okay, we are going to have to perform a c-section," cried Ron.


"We have to, and we are not going to cut open your penis!"

"Um, out of curiosity, doctor, what are you gonna cut open," whispered a nurse to Ron. Ron was puzzled.

"Um, well... sorta his... um..."


"His bladder! That's it!"

"Doctor," shouted another D.A. "I thought you were a serious health professional!"

"My foot itches!"

"Doctor, that's very inappropriate!"

"Well, I've never had to deliver a baby from a guy!!!" Everyone, the doctors, the nurses, and Voldemort, looked up at Ron nervously. "Look, we are a team! And damnnit, we are gonna find away to get through this...." But Ron had turned a shade of pale like Voldemort's white paper hospital gown (A/N: Um, ewe!). Suddenly, everyone was in an awe of silence, and gentle applause rippled through the ER. Giving Ron a new burst of confidence, he quickly readjusted his hospital mask, and took the scalpel. Voldemort looked more nervous than he was.

"Don't fret, doctor. I've given him proper anesthesia." Ron nodded, and put the scalpel somewhere near Voldie's belly button. A quick slice of the knife, and quicker then a blink Of an eye, Ron was soon enough up to his elbows in evil wizard placenta.

"Ewwww," cried one young nurse.

"Oh God, " screamed a D.A.

"Ralph," puked a doctor. Even Ron had to admit; it was damn nasty! After minutes of snipping, tugging, poking, and prodding, a thin, almost lifeless baby was now being held in Ron's hands. Ron turned it upside and spanked the baby!

"You bastard," shouted Voldemort, struggling against his straight jacket.

"No, no, don't worry," said Ron, handing the breathing baby to Voldemort. Voldemort cradled it.

"Awww, look at the little punum," cooed Voldie. "I'll call him Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh!!!. It's such a suiting name."

"Let's leave him in peace," whispered Ron.


The baby, Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh, had been asleep in the infirmary for several hours, until there was a loud BANG from the door. The wind blew eerily, and the moonlight cast a thing, tall shadow in the doorway. All that could be made out from person was the revolting smell of bupkiss. (A/N: find that one out for yourself) .

"There you are," whispered a weasly voice. His yellowish eyes fell upon poor Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh, and he then scooped up the baby. "That bastard thought he could keep you away from me. But as your fatherů"

The man stumbled into one of the other cribs, awaking all the other babies in the room.


The man quickly darted out of the room, taking little Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh along with him. When the doctors, D.A.s, nurses, and Voldemort all rushed into the room at the sound of the crying, they discovered the baby had been removed!

"MY BABY," screamed Voldemort, collapsing on the floor in his paper hospital gown, showing everyone his hairy rear end. "I knew he'd come back!"

"So who was the father," asked Ron curiously. He shook Voldemort, but to his surprise, Voldie had collapsed and died of grief.

"Now we'll never know who the father is," moaned a D.A. as they left. Nobody seemed to notice the greasy lock of hair on the infirmary floor.


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