How to Defeat Mary Sues!
by An Invisible Tomorrow

A/N: Newayz, METMA Mandy, heeeeere it is!! *curtain flys up to reveal… ME! Sitting at my computer!*

Me: Hmmm… What should I do today? *cartoon-style lighty-bulb* I know! I’ll write METMA Mandy’s challenge fic! *starts typing and scene shifts*

(Scene: Hogwarts, at breakfast.)

It was a beautiful day at Hogwarts. Until Dumbledore made an announcement, that is.

"Students," he said, "please welcome our newest American transfer student: Mary Sue Riddle!" Mary Sue walked up and picked up the Sorting Hat.

"Put me down," said the hat. "We all know you’re in Gryffindor!" Mary Sue put the hat down and walked over to where Harry was sitting.

"Hi, Harry," she said with her American accent. "I’m just so happy to finally meet you!" Mary Sue leaned way over Harry, with a *very* low-cut neckline. Her long, wavy blond hair spilled perfectly over her tanned- and exposed- shoulders. Harry stared.

"Hi," he said, not taking his eyes off her beautiful, perfectly-shaped face. Ron was staring too.

Mary Sue sandwiched herself between Harry and Ron. "Of course," she said, "you know that I am Voldemort’s grand-daughter?"

"Oh, we don’t care at all," responded all the males within earshot.

"So, when are Quidditch tryouts?" Harry and Ron started telling Mary Sue all about Quidditch. They could tell she was a natural. Seamus, Dean, and Neville leaned in to join the conversation. Meanwhile, Hermione, Ginny, Lavender and Parvati were extremely PO’d.

"We can’t let her do this!" complained Lavender. "Seamus is mine!"

"Yeah," Ginny agreed. "Harry is supposed to be with me!"

"I don’t really care- though Dean is rather hot- but how am I supposed to flirt with the guys if they won’t take their eyes off her?"

"Excuse me," interrupted Hermione, "but have you forgotten about me and Ron? We’re SUPPOSED to be together! We have to get rid of Mary Sue." The other three agreed. They left the table to go to the common room and plan the first step.

Meanwhile, Mary Sue was also leaving. "Ani rotzah lalechet le beit shimoosh," she excused herself.

"Wow," breathed Ron. "She speaks Hebrew!"

Mary Sue wasn’t really going to the bathroom. She was actually headed for a secret room behind a statue of a very tall witch holding a steaming cauldron. "Alaria," she whispered, and the statue stepped aside to reveal a door. Mary Sue walked through it and the statue moved back into place.

Draco Malfoy was waiting for her. "Mary Sue," he said softly. "I’ve waited my whole life for this. I even gave up torturing Mudbloods for you."

"Aaw," Mary Sue said. "Draco, that is so sweet!" She moved closer to him. He bent down and took off his socks. One of his toes was missing. "Oh no," Mary Sue whispered. "Dracie-poo, what happened to your toe?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback, that summer~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lucius Malfoy screamed in fury at his son. "What do you mean, you’re not going to be a Death Eater?"

"Dad, calm down," Draco said. "I just don’t want to end up on the ground, making out with some evil guy’s robes."

"Why, I oughta- well, if you insist, the way you can break the circle of evil-ness is to get rid of a toe."

"Fine!" he retorted, and magicked his toe off. It didn’t hurt at all, because when you take something off to save yourself from becoming evil, of course it doesn’t hurt. Duh!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~End of flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mary Sue moved still closer to Draco. "You gave up your toe for me!" She leaned over and kissed him. They fell over onto a bed that Mary Sue had quickly conjured and- well- let’s just say that this has officially become a PG-13 fic.

~Meanwhile, in the girls’ dorm~

"I hereby call this meeting of WAMS, or Witches Against Mary Sue, to order!" Hermione conjured up one of those hammer thingys and banged it on a table she had also summoned. "The first order of business is: We have to get rid of Mary Sue Riddle. The charge-" She pointed at Ginny.

"Stealing our boyfriends!" she cried.

"Right. Any suggestions?"

"We could play Britney Spears in her ear," Lavender suggested.

"Uh-uh," said Ginny. "Mary Sues like Britney Spears." The four girls all made a face. Parvati gasped.

"Ooh! I know!" She gathered the other three girls into a huddle. After a minute of excited whispering, they broke apart, smiling.


~The next day, at breakfast (A/N: This is where it gets funny!)~

Mary Sue was, once again, flirting with every male in sight. Today, the group included Fred, George and Lee. As the members of WAMS sat down at the table, they were joined by Angelina, Alicia, and Katie, all three looking extremely pissed.

"Three guesses," said Alicia. "And the first two don’t count."

"You just found out you’re really Slytherins," said Ginny sarcastically.

"Filch took a thousand points off you," Lavender volunteered. The four girls looked at each other and chorused,

"Mary Sue." Angelina snorted.

"She better get her perfect little hands off Fred, otherwise-" She made an extremely violent motion. Alicia and Katie nodded agreement. Hermione, Ginny, Lavender and Parvati immediately launched into an explanation of WAMS and their plan.

At dinner that night, Hermione led a coyote into the dining hall. Stopping in front of Mary Sue, the coyote opened its mouth and sang- well, rapped really. At the first lines of "The Real Slim Shady," Mary Sue shrieked and fled the Great Hall. The rapping coyote stopped rapping and disappeared. Hermione, being herself, freaked out and fainted. Ron, being himself, managed to break the Mary Sue curse long enough to give her CPR. Everyone else either laughed or just looked confused. The seven members of WAMS gave each other high-fives. But the fun wasn’t over yet. The next trick would be even funnier.

Two days later, Hermione, Lavender and Parvati showed up early for Care of Magical Creatures. "Hagrid," said Hermione, "can we borrow Buckbeak?" (A/N: assume this is in the third book)

"Sure yeh can," Hagrid replied. "Jus’ be careful, they don’ like it if yeh insult ‘em."

"Okay," agreed Hermione. The three girls went around to the back of the hut, where a hippogriff stood in a small pen. They bowed.

"Okay," said Lavender, "who has the secret weapon?"

"Me," answered Parvati. She pulled a big toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste out of a pocket in her robes and handed them to Lavender. Lavender then proceeded to brush Buckbeak’s teeth so that it looked like he had rabies.

"Right," Hermione said, "now this is what we’re going to do. When class starts, Parvati will volunteer to go get Buckbeak for the lesson. Once she’s around back, she’ll put this hippogriff treat-" she handed Parvati a treat- "in her back pocket and run out screaming. Parvati, Buckbeak is going to smell the treat and chase you. As soon as Mary Sue leaves, take the treat out of your pocket and give it to him."

"Okay," Parvati said. "I got it." Just then the rest of the class appeared, with Mary Sue and a crowd of boys in the lead. Hagrid gathered them all in front of the hut and announced, "Righ’ then, today we’re gonna be workin’ with hippogriffs." Parvati waved her hand frantically in the air. "All righ’ Parvati, yeh can go and get ‘im." Parvati walked around to the back. There was a pause, and then-

"HELP! HELP! Rabid hippogriff! Rabid hippogriff!" Buckbeak, foaming at the mouth, chased Parvati out from behind the small hut. Mary Sue shrieked and tore away toward the castle, screaming something about crazy teachers. Her group of admirers took off after her, trying to get her to come back. The remaining students dissolved into peals of laughter as Parvati wiped off the toothpaste and fed Buckbeak the treat.

"All righ’, since half of the class is gone, yeh can go back to the castle." The girls trooped back up to Hogwarts. Hermione explained the next day’s trick to all of them.

In Double Herbology with Hufflepuff the next day, Hannah Abbott approached Mary Sue. "Your lips look chapped. Do you want some Chapstick?"

"My lips are perfect," Mary Sue said indignantly. During the course of the lesson, every girl in the class offered Mary Sue chapstick. Finally there was only one person left- Lavender.

"Mary Sue, I really think you should put some of this on." She held out a tube of Cherry Chapstick. Mary Sue couldn’t take it anymore.

"My lips are NOT chapped!" she screamed. "And I do NOT need any Chapstick!" She turned and marched out of the classroom. The girls giggled, and the boys looked offended.

"Well," said Professor Sprout, "I guess the fumes from the Peppermint-Leaf Flowering Ivy affected her. They do that sometimes." The class giggled.

The last stunt would top it off, they hoped. The members of WAMS had enlisted the help of anyone who would listen. Even some of the boys pitched in. They would pull it that night, at dinner.

That night, a lone figure tore lightning-fast across the grounds. As Mary Sue Riddle disappeared into the night, she shouted eight words that all who heard it would never forget.

"The British are mooning! The British are mooning!!!!!!"

Another A/N: So whattaya think? Not gonna win, I know, but o well. I had fun writing it!

Claimer: I own the curtain, my computer, the toothbrush, the toothpaste, the hippogriff treats, and Peppermint-Leaf Flowering Ivy. I also own WAMS and they will be in some other fics.

Disclaimer: JKR owns all things HP. Eminem owns the song "The Real Slim Shady." Chapstick belongs to whoever invented it. Britney Spears belongs to the devil. I pity the person who owns Mary Sue.

Still another A/N: REVIEW! Or I’ll get WAMS to play tricks on you!

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