And the Little Piggy Ran All the Way Home
by Ron Weasley's Cutie

Disclaimer : I only own Billy-Bob the Scottish pirate. Duh. And I own the um…the plot…I guess…

“Did we lose him?” Ron panted as he leaned up against the wall.

“Lose who?” Harry asked.

“You-Know-Who, dung brain!” Hermione yelled in Harry’s ear. Harry started rubbing his ear.

“Owwies…” Harry whimpered. Just then Voldemort appeared around the corner. He had a coyote on a leash, and he was looking murderous.

“So…Harry…we meet again,” he hissed coldly. “But this time, you and your little friend will not escape! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“What’s with the coyote?” Ron asked.

Voldemort smiled evilly and stroked the coyote on its head. Harry, Ron, and Hermione noticed that the coyote was wearing a muzzle.

“Why, this is Sammy, the coyote that sings very annoying songs,” Voldemort said evilly. “Would you like to hear him?”

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all took a step back and shook their heads with scared looks on their faces. Voldemort took the coyote’s muzzle off.

“Say hello to Sammy, Harry!” Voldemort cackled. Sammy started singing one of the most annoying songs in the whole world. This is how it went:

“I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves,
everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves!
Oh I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes:
I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves,
everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves!
Oh I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes:
I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves,
everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves!
Oh I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes:”
(etc., etc., you get the point, it was VERY annoying)

Voldemort stood their and laughed evilly some more. Ron and Hermione fell to their knees while holding their hands over their ears. Harry, fighting the annoying waves of the song with all his might, managed to crawl over to the evil-laughing Voldemort. With his last bit of strength, he pulled Voldemort’s sock off.

The coyote stopped singing abruptly, put its tail between its legs, and sang, “That’s (boom, boom) not (boom ba-da boom riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight (tiddy-boom)!”

Harry gasped in surprise. Ron gasped in surprise. Hermione gasped in surprise and then said, “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Yeah Voldie. We’re you’re enemies. Why didn’t you ever tell us? Remember that slumber party we all had that night a few weeks ago when we promised to tell each other’s secrets? I’m just…shocked.” Harry looked at Voldemort in a very disapproving way.

(Yes, that’s right folks, Voldemort was missing his little toe. That’s…just…weird. They should put him in a freak show! Come one, come all, and see the amazing nine-toed Lord Voldemort! Only showing this week!)

Voldemort began to cry like a teenager.

“I…I tried to tell all of you…b-but I couldn’t bring myself to do it! It’s to painful a memory!” Voldemort cried some more. Harry patted him on the back sympathetically.

The coyote jumped up and quoted a poem that went like:

This little piggy went to the market.
This little piggy went home.
This little piggy had roast beef.
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy ran all the way home.

Ron gave the coyote a confused look and said, “That wasn’t a song.”

The coyote just shrugged and sang (in tune to Who Let The Dogs Out?), “I don’t give a crap! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh!”

Harry pointed at the coyote triumphantly and yelled, “HA! POTTYMOUTH! POTTYMOUTH!”

Voldemort, on the other hand, was still sobbing like mad.

“Maybe you’ll feel better if you tell us, Voldie.” Hermione soothed. Voldemort calmed down a little and said, “Yes, yes, all right then…” Voldemort pulled out a pink polka-dot hankie and blew his nose.

When he was finally finished drying his tears and blowing his nose, he said, “It all happened when I was only two years old…”


“Mommy! Mommy! Listen to this!” said a two year old Tom Riddle.

“What is it honey bun?” asked a woman with black hair and cold blue eyes.

“I wuv you! You wuv me! We’re a happy famawy! With a great big hug and a…” Tom started to sing. His mother interrupted him when he was halfway through with it.

“Tommy, be mommy’s little helper and don’t sing that song when she’s around?” asked the woman sweetly.

“Okay mommy!” said Tom Riddle.

“Say sweetie-pie, would you like to play a game?” asked Tom’s mom.

Tom was delighted and jumped up and down. “Yay! Yay! What we gonna play?”

Tom’s mom gave him a very sweet smile. “You have to take your shoes off first, pumpkin.”

So Tom took off his shoes and socks.

“Okay now, here we go!” Tom’s mom recited the same poem that the coyote had recited. But, on the fatal last line of the poem, Tom’s little toe jumped off Tom’s foot and hopped off screaming, “Ani rotzah lalechet le beit shimoosh!”

Tom’s mom looked at Tom’s foot, and died right there on the spot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END OF FLASHBACK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all gave Voldemort curious looks. Voldemort looked at them and once again burst into sobs.

“You hate me, don’t you?” he sniffed.

“Of course we do Voldie! You’re our enemy! We’re supposed to hate you! Why ever would we not?” Hermione said.

Suddenly, a rabid hippogriff flew in. He was a brown one, and foam was forming at his beak and his eyes were all red and out of focus. It laid itself down on the floor and managed to rasp, “The British are mooning! The British are mooning!” Then it suddenly spotted some cherry chapstick on a table nearby. Immediately, it was restored back to health.

It ran over to the cherry chapstick and started hugging it and dancing with it. He said to the chapstick, “Where have you been all my life, you cherry-flavored lip balm, you!”

Out of the blue, the Dursley family dropped in. Vernon Durlsey looked at them all with a sort of mad glee. “Ha ha! We are here to moon you! Prepare for your worst nightmare!”

Vernon and Petunia Dursley pulled down their pants and…

( | ) ( | )
Vernon’s Butt Petunia’s Butt

(Look, I labeled them for you, aren’t I nice?)

They pulled their pants up and Petunia yelled, “Okay Duddy-kins! Let ‘er rip!”

And then Dudley pulled down his pants…(oh the horror…*goes and vomits in the nearest toilet*)

( | ) Dudley’s Really Huge Butt

Ron and Harry went over in a corner and began to throw up. Hermione covered her eyes with her hand and said, “Okay, I think we just crossed the line between vengeance and just plain WRONG! Not to mention gross! Ewwwwwwwwww!” Hermione ran over to Ron and Harry and began to throw up as well. Then, Dudley farted…

And a very…er…STINKY fart it was too…everyone in the room (except for the Dursley’s, who had brought gas masks with them) passed out. The Dursley’s all laughed evilly and disappeared.

Well, as it turns out, they all woke up with absolutely no memory of that horrible night, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione went back to learning witchcraft and wizardry while Voldemort caused chaos throughout the whole universe. The singing coyote Sammy got a job at a bar where he now sings love songs to fat guys who have absolutely no self-esteem. The hippogriff and the cherry chapstick got married and had ten cherry-flavored hippogriffs that keep your mouth from getting chapped. Voldemort’s little toe wrote a book about his adventures called ‘Foot Fungus - How I Dealt With It’.


A/N: It was very weird/gross/funny/stupid wasn’t it? Yes, I thought so. But…oh well…MWAHAHAHAHAHA! … Arr me mateys! Review or I’ll send Billy-Bob after ya! He won’t be so forgiving as me!

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