Hermione Granger and the Disgruntled Pocketwatch
by Greencat

A/N: Ta-da! My first ever submission to Mandy's fic challenge!

Potions with Snape. Quite possibly the most evil class ever known to man, women, or gender-neutral kind. Since Fred and George had put weevils in Snape's oatmeal and laxities in Snape's coffee, he was in a more foul mood than usual. (But at least he kept departing a lot to ::a-hem:: deal with his little problem.)

Snape had left for the fifth time that class. Neville was close to tears because not only was his own lack of skill putting him in the path of Snape's wrath, but he was partnered with Draco Malfoy, who kept putting other ingredients in his cauldron when his back was turned.

Ron decided, since there was only five minutes left 'til lunch, and since Malfoy was a sneering git, to take the opportunity to pour a large quantity of Armadillo bile over Malfoy.

"Oops sorry Malfoy!" Ron said sarcastically, "But hey! At least now you smell better!"

"Weasley I'll-!" Malfoy began but was cut off by loud gasps and shrieks as his left arm fell off.

"What the-?" said Seamus.

"That is soooo GROSS!" chorused Parvati and Lavender

"YOU MADE HIS ARM FALL OFF!" shrieked Pansy as she burst into tears.

"It's a prosthesis!" said Hermione.

"A what?" said several people.

"A prosthesis: an artificial limb." She replied.

"Why does Malfoy have prosthesis?" asked Ron.

"I don't want to talk about it!" said Draco.

"We have ways of making you talk!" said Harry.

"Yeah! We'll conjure up the singing, dancing hamsters from Hamster Dance!" said Hermione.

Draco, being a pureblood hadn't the faintest idea what they were talking about. "Hamsters?! What's so scary about hamsters? Bring it on!"

Harry said "Nonauddious Gryiffindorus" Which made all of the Gyffindors unable to hear.

Hermione then said "Conjurous Hamsterous Annoyus!"

Suddenly the room was full of bouncing, booty-shaking hamsters all singing at the top of their little lungs: "Di ba di da doo di do do di ba do dee doh, doodle doodle doody doody en da doo AHAHAHAH! Di ba di da doo di do do di ba do dee doh, doodle doodle doody doody en da doo AHAHAHAH! Di ba di da doo di do do di ba do dee doh, doodle doodle doody doody en da doo AHAHAHAH! Di ba di da doo di do do di ba do dee doh, doodle doodle doody doody en da doo AHAHAHAH! Di ba di da doo di do do di ba do dee doh, doodle doodle doody doody en da doo AHAHAHAH!...."

"AHHHHHH! AHHH! STOP I'll TALK! I'll TALK!" screamed Draco with his hands over his ears. Hermione and Harry said "Finite Incantum" and the hamsters went away and the Gryffindors could hear again.

"Alright, when I was a young lad, flying across the fields of the English countryside on my first broom, I flew too low over some crazy old man's Quidditch field. Apparently he was some sort of mad thingy maker-"

"'Mad thingy maker?'" said Harry.

"Do you want to hear my story or not?" snapped Draco. "Anyway, the nutter, sent this bludger after me. But it wasn't any old ordinary bludger. It was yelling things at me while it chased meI learned some of my best swearing from that bludger. Anyway, It whacked into my arm, and tore it off. I don't know how I managed to stay on my broom, but I did and as I was speeding towards home, I yelled back at it that it's mother was a bowling ball. It yelled back that for that terrible insult, it would follow me, it would know everything I said or did, and one day, it would take vengeance."

BOOM! Went a well-timed thunderclap, making everyone jump out of their chairs.

"So now I have a magical prosthesis, and you know why. Now, I'm going up to the hospital wing to get it reattached. Heel, Crabbe! Heel Goyle!" and with that he marched out of the room flanked by his cronies.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" the classroom erupted into laughter.

"Ferret Boy expects us to believe THAT? choked Ron as he double over on the floor with laughter.

"Hey! Class is over! Time for Lunch!" said Dean and everyone hurried out before Snape could get back and yell at them any more. Hermione paused to pick something up off the floor.

***


After eating lunch, Harry, Ron and Hermione went up to the Common Room. Hermione drew them over to a table and pulled something out of her pocket "Look at this! It must have fallen out of Malfoy's pocket when he ran off to the hospital Wing!"

"It's a clock!" said Ron.

"I am NOT a clock! I am a very old and very valuable pocket watch!" yelled the pocket watched from a small mouth in it's face.

"Hey! It can talk!" said Harry

"Of COURSE! I can talk, stupid! I am magical you know!"

"So you belong to Malfoy?" asked Hermione politely to try and get the clock from getting so wound up.

"YES! And boy is he an ignorant dolt! Does he polish me? Does he wind me up every night! Does he even LOOK at me half the time! NO! You'd think I was some commonplace WRIST watch the way he treats me! I've had my glass cover broken and my innards mangled more times than I'd care to remember!"

Suddenly a girl wearing antlers appears in the room. "I am Mandy from METMA: Muggles for Equal Treatment of Magical Articles! I believe that what has happen to this poor pocket watch is wrong! If you would like to help this watch and other poor ill-used magical items JOIN METMA! Only two sickles to join, and you too can help to fight for equality for Magical items everywhere! Thank you!" Mandy disapperates.

"That was unusual." remarked Harry

"I think I'll join METMA! That Mandy girl is right!"

"Oh great! Another 'SPEW' thing for Hermione!" said Ron.

"HELLOOO? Neglected frustrated watch here!" Yelled the watch.

"Oh, sorry! So you've had a pretty bad life huh?"

"Yeah those Malfoys, are some weirdos. Take his great-grandfather Nero Malfoy, well let's just say z'yanta parah." said the watch shuddering. "and he wore me while doing it!"

"Maybe I shouldn't give you back to Malfoy..." said Hermione.

"Oh yes! Please, please don't! Can I stay with you? Such a nice girl! Such a smart girl! Such a responsible girl!"

"Alright then! Now that that's settled, did Malfoy really lose his arm to a crazy, talking bludger?"

"Oh yes! That was the...third time my cover got smashed. Wretched things, those bludgers!"

***


Later that night Hermione was sitting in her dorm room, studying for a Herbology test they were going to have tomorrow.

"Hey girlie! Talk to me! I'm getting lonely!" said the watch from her bedside table.

"Not now, I need to study, and talk quietly, you'll wake the other girls!"

She's being mean to me! And purposely ignoring me! Thought the watch indignantly to itself These owners are all the same! Well, I'm not just going to lay here ticking and take it anymore! The watch levitated itself up off of the table and floated in front of Hermione. It started swinging back an forth. "You don't need to study." It said in a soothing voice "You need to sleep. Aren't you feeling sleeeeepy, sleeeeepy, eyelids droooooooping, eyelids drooooooping."

"Eyelids drooping, eyelids drooping, sleepy, so sleepy..." muttered Hermione as she watched the watch swing back and forth, back and forth...

***


"Where's Hermione?" asked Ron in Herbology the next day.

"I dunno." Replied Harry "She's never late, and she didn't show up at-Hermione?!"

Everyone in the class looked up to see Hermione. She looked...different. For one thing where her normally bushy brown locks had once been there was now a neon blue Mohawk, she had on an amount of make-up that could have put KISS to shame, and she was wearing a Metallica T-shirt over her school robes.

"Miss Granger, as happy as we all are to see you, that shirt is not a part of the school's dress code." said Professor Sprout trying not to stare.

"Aw, bugger off, ya old bat!" said Hermione as she sat down on a bench with Ron and Harry.

"Hermione!" said Ron, shocked that she, of all people would talk to a teacher like that.

"Miss Granger, Ten points from Gryffindor for insulting a teacher! Perhaps you should go see the Headmaster. Potter, Weasley, please accompany her there."

"Yes Professor." said Harry as they all got up and walked out of the Greenhouse.

Ron just staggered along staring aghast at Hermione.

"What are you looking at you freckle-faced freak?"

"Um Hermione," said Ron "I say this with love, friendship, and the spirit of goodwill: WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"What are you talking about, Weasel Boy?" said Hermione glaring at him.

"You're hair, and you're face, and you're Unhermione-likeness!" They all suddenly heard a loud ticking noise.

"Buck buck-buck-bwaaack!" said Hermione strutting around and flapping her arms like a chicken. She started pecking at Harry.

"Ow! Hermione, jeez, I didn't know you like me that way-OW!" he yelled.

Ron was shaking his head in disbelief. "It's finally happened. All that studying has finally made her go off her rocker."

"We'd better get her to Dumbledore fast." Harry said "Here chick-chick-chick, c'mon, come with us little chicken..."

Once they'd gotten into the Entrance Hall they again heard the loud ticking. Hermione changed again.

"Oh my GOD! What has happened too my FACE?"

"Hey! Maybe she's back to normal." whispered Ron to Harry.

"I wouldn't bank on it." replied Harry.

"Like, WHY is there this horrid junk all OVER my face! I ONLY use cover girl! And my HAIR!" She started sobbing. "Now Voldie will never love me!"

"'Voldie?' As in Voldemort?" said Harry.

"Don't say the name, will you?" said Ron irritably.

"You LIKE Voldemort?" said Harry ignoring him. "I LOVE Voldemort!" said Hermione "Those red eyes of his are soooo dreamy! And that voice! Wouldn't you just love to have is hiss sweet nothings in your ears?"

"No." said Ron, looking like he was going to puke.

They had reached the gargoyle. "Um," said Harry "Fizzing Whizbee?"

Surprisingly, the garloyle hopped aside at his first guess. "C'mon." he said beckoning to the others. The ticking noise was back.

At the door to Dumbledore's office Harry said "Hermione, you just wait for us here, okay?"

"Ring around the rosies. A pocket full of posies. Ashes. Ashes, we all fall down!" she sang softly, a dazed look on her face.

"Alrighty then." Said Ron as they enter Dumbledore's office.

"Professor?" said Harry as they came in. "Sorry to bother you but something's very wrong with Hermione."

"We thing she's gone crazy!" said Ron.

"Indeed. What has lead you too this conclusion?"

"Well this morning she came into Herbology with a Mohawk, tons of make-up and a Metallica T-shirt-"said Harry.

"Then she told Professor Sprout to bugger off-" Said Ron.

"So she told us to take her up to see you-"

"And on the way there she started acting like a chicken-"

"And in the Entrance Hall she was acting like a ditz-"

"She said she loved You-Know-Who!"

"And she's outside your office right now singing nursery rhymes," finished Harry.

Dumbledore frowned in thought. "Hmmm, have you noticed anything else odd happening around her, or pertaining to her?"

"Well..." started Ron looking at Harry.

"She did find a talking pocket watch," he said.

"Interesting. Why don't you bring her in?" said Dumbledore.

Ron went out and steered Hermione into the room and into a chair. She still had a slightly dazed expression on her face.

"How are you feeling Hermione?" Dumbledore asked.

Again a loud ticking filled the room. Hermione turned to the side held up her hand as if she was hold some sort of cylindrical object and said "And welcome back to the Hermione Granger show! With me now I have Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts school. Professor, inquiring minds want to know? Why do you want so many socks?"

"Great now she thinks she's a talk-show host! And what IS it with that ticking?" said Ron.

Yeah." replied Harry "We've been hearing it all the way up here!"

Dumbledore got a Eureka! look on his face. "Harry grab her! Ron empty her pockets!"

They did so; Hermione asking Harry questions about Cho, and Ginny, and Ron, about the sibling rivalry at the Weasley house, and in Hermione's back pocket they found...

"The clock?" said Ron.

"ARGH! I told you kid! I'm not a clock I'm a pocket watch!"

"A pocket watch who has been hypnotizing Miss Granger if I'm not mistaken." said Dumbledore.

"Yeah! I did it! And I'm GLAD! GLAD, do you hear me? I've put up with a living nightmare for 347 years and I AM SICK OF BEING MISTREATED! And I'll do it again! NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP ME NO-"

Ron threw the pocket watch on the ground and started jumping on it. "Take that, you evil grotty watch!"

"AAAH Nooooo! ::Gasp::" said the clock as Ron smashed it to bits.

"Well that's that taken care of. Now, what do we do about Hermione?" he said panting.

"Simply this." said Dumbledore walking over to Hermione. He snapped his fingers "Awake." He said.

"What the-? What happen? AUGH! I have a Mohawk! ACK!" She quickly got out her wand and commenced turning herself back to normal as Ron and Harry told her what had happened.

"Well," said Harry as they stepped out into the hallway, "I'm glad things are back to normal."

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!! IT'S COME BACK FOR THE RIGHT ARM!! SAVE ME!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!" yelled Malfoy as he ran past them followed by a bludger that was yelling some most-creative swear words.

"Or not." said Ron, as they started heading back to the Greenhouses.

A/N: Well that's my first story for METMA Mandy's Challenge! What didja think? JK Owns all of the characters and stuff, Mandy owns METMA, her antlers, and these Challenges, I own the watch, the crazy thingy maker, and the obscenity-shouting bludger. R/R please! Thank you and have a wonderful, green day!

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