Pidwidgeon Ate My Wand, Mum!
by Carolyn the Lovely Lynn

Disclaimer: I own everything, so sue me. My writing career has given me a profit during the winter. I already sold several things---- my watch, typewriter, overcoat and furniture.

It was a quiet and peaceful morning. Not a sound in the air, nor a bird in the sky. And all was still, until---

That bastard from above:WAIT!!

Me: What was that for? Everything was going fine!

That bastard from above: 'Twas a very boring start. Thou shall begin more interestingly starteth from now. (A/N I know not of Shakespearean language. Forgive thy, for thy is a pompous idiot)

Blasted Narrator who happens to be British and has a very sexy accent: Will you two just cut it off now? I'm trying to narrate a story, here!

Me: Readst thou on then!

"MUM!!!"

exclaimed a frustrated Ron. Ron had just got up from bed and he couldn't find his.....

"Wand. Wand, mum! Gone Gone! Pig...Pig...Pig...ate...Pig....chewed..ahh...wahhhh...." Ron mumbled incoherently.

"Let me repeat your statement, dear: Gone, gone, pig pig pig ate pig, chewed ah wah. Is that a new what-you-ma-call-it pop song, Ron?" joked Mrs. Weasley.

"Mo-um! Pigwidgeon thought my wand was liquorice, and so he ate it!" cried Ron.

"My blasted worms in a London fog! We should have a funeral!" said Mrs. Weasley, shaking her head solemnly.

"No, mum, my wand is in ruins! I need a new one!"

"But Ron..! We don't have enough money. Why don't you use your old one in the meantime?"

At this point, Fred and George walked into the kitchen. (yes, the situation takes place in the kitchen) "Yellow my li'l ickle brother," said Fred, ruffling Ron's hair. As Ron was in a particularly bad mood, he shoved Fred away.

"What's up with Ron, mum?" asked George.

"Pig ate his wand and we have no money to buy him another one," answered Mrs. Weasley.

"What? No money to buy him another pig?" asked a stupid Fred.

At this, everyone glared at Fred's idiocy. (That includes me, the author)

That bastard from above must of heard the call of stupidity, and therefore sent three things flying to earth; aiming at the head of Fred Weasley.

"Ow," said Fred, and there came the Encyclopaedia Brittanica. And then there was an "Ouch," and then came a flying dictionary. And then there was a loud thud, and Fred got hit by the Goblet of Fire, thus causing him to faint instantly.

+push pangggggg!+

A cloud of smoke appears out of nowhere, and then there was........

Captain Planet?!

Captain Planet careered over to the unconscious Fred Weasley and tucked the Goblet of Fire safely under his arm.

"Do you know how many trees this will save?! To waste it just like that??? Shame on you, SHAME ON YOU! 3 million people bought this book! SHAME ON YOU!" said Captain Planet. And with this, he picked up his pet lizard: Inspector Per-fooey, and disappeared.
[Ok, Fred's stupidity has been greatly exaggerated, so let's just cut him from the story, and continue with the rest of it.
*Fred magically disappears*
*story continues*]

"I'm really sorry, Ron. But there is nothing we can do about it," explained Mrs. Weasley. "You should be more careful next time."

"But it wasn't my fault!" cried Ron.

"I'm sure it wasn't, dear. Now if you would excuse me, I have to go send Ginny to the Cleaning Specialist. Her foot stinks." And Mrs Weasley left. And so it was just...

"You and me," said George. "Want a game of poker?"

"GEORGE! I have a crisis here! I don't have a wand, and...I...I.... haaaaaaaaa...haaa............haaaaaaaa........ CHOO!"

"I'll take that as a no," said George, and he left poor Ron alone to deal with his own wand problem.

And this was the breaking point.....

"WWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! hatchoo! NOOOOOOOOOOOO *hat* OOOOOOOOO *choo* I need............ *sniffs* HERMIONE!"

And there was a rumble, thunder boomed, lightning struck, and Hermione was there.

"You called for me, Ron? Atah rotzeh ani, don't you? Atah rotzeh ani, don't you? Huh, huh?" said Hermione, winking at Ron.

"Herm....*sneeze*...ione... what...*sniff* in the caterpillar *sniff* of Canada is 'atah rotzeh an'?" asked Ron.

"It means............

YOU WANT ME!! I KNEW IT!!"

screamed Hermione. And she grabbed Ron's robes and started kissing him.

Unfortunately, the 'wizard cold' is highly contagious, and well.... you guessed it, Hermione the Imbecile Who Kissed The Wandless Boy With Flu ended up in a horrible state of influenza.

And so this is a bloody sad ending, you know? Hermione with influenza; Ron, in addition to being wandless, still had not recovered from his cold; Ginny's feet still stank awfully; George had found no poker partner; and Fred could never recover, for he was never found.

There is still this one consolation, though. Captain Planet and Inspector Per-fooey managed to save 1.5 million Goblet of Fire books, equivalent to 50 666 trees. The books have been recycled, and will be used to help blind children to learn Braille. And so, my fellow readers, acknowledge good deeds like what Captain Planet and Inspector Per-fooey has shown, and play your part to save our trees from extinction and destruction.

And yes, I am aware that this has nothing to do with the story. Oh, what the heck.

THE BLOODIEST CRAPPIEST END

Thanks to iamtheanonymous and rubber ducky. Flames are very much not appreciated. I prefer time bombs.

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