Hagrid’s enormous figure was jostled from side to side as he and Madame Maxime rode in one of Hogwarts’ many enchanted carriages. Hagrid’s palms were sweating and his stomach was writhing with apprehension, for he was about to meet his estranged mother, Fridwulfa, for the first time since his birth. He would never admit it to Madame Maxime, but Hagrid was more nervous now than he had ever been in his entire life. His anxious state wasn’t just because of meeting his mum, but because he had a very specific task to. He was there on Dumbledore’s orders to get his mother and her giant friends to help them against Voldemort in his attempts to gain power again. Hagrid was just praying that he didn’t mess everything up like he usually did. He glanced over to her to see that she too, seemed nervous. Suddenly, their carriage came to a stop, and the two got out. Directly in front of them was a crude log cabin, which stood at least 30 feet above Hagrid’s head.

“Well, I guess this is me mum’s place.” said Hagrid obviously to Madame Maxime. She nodded and said:

“Well, I guess I’ll take ziz carriage to my muzzer’z house. Good luck.” She leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Goodbye, Olympe, good luck to you too.” Hagrid blushed before turning to the cabin. He knocked twice on the door, and the strangest sight he had ever seen met his eyes. Standing in the enormous doorway was the massive 20-foot form of a giantess with a ruddy face, short gray hair, wide staring eyes a huge brown mole on her cheek. She was oddly dressed wearing weather-beaten burlap trousers with an orange velour sweater, which had several small holes in it. The outfit had been completed with a pair of sparkly red devil’s horns attached to the top of her head. When she caught sight of Hagrid, her face lit up and she hollered:

“A visitor?? HELOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Welcome to Auntie Delpapala’s cottage! Come in, mushi mushi!!” She stepped out of the doorway, but Hagrid did not enter.

“Er, sorry,” he said timidly, “I thought this was Fridwulfa’s house. I’ll just-”

“Oh no you don’t!” she bellowed in her deafening voice, “The light is green, you have to come in!”

“Huh?” asked Hagrid, who was completely bewildered. “What are you talking about?” He stepped a little closer to the door to better examine the giantess.

“Ahhhhhhh!! STOP!!! Light’s red now, you can’t come in! Missed your chance hajda dobro lashki!!!”

“Delpapala! What are you doing? Are you pretending to be a traffic light again? Who are talking to now?” Another giantess had appeared in the doorway, but this one was even bigger than Delpapala, with wild black hair and beetle-black eyes just like Hagrid’s. He stared up at her in reverie for a moment or two before murmuring: “Mum?”

“What’da call me?” she asked, looking rather confused.

“Mum, it’s me, your son.” Hagrid said, looking expectant.

“Rubeus?” she asked. “Is that you?” her tone held no trace of nostalgia, instead, just a sense of pure surprise.

“Yeah,” Hagrid said, tears of joy welling up in his eyes.

“Well, I guess you’ll want to come in, we were just getting ready for dinner.” Fridwulfa led Hagrid into the enormous kitchen where a gargantuan table had been set for two.

“Delpapala, get another dish,” she ordered.

“Yes sir ma’amy wammy poo, I loooooooove you!” Delpapala answered before heading toward the huge cabinet.

“Sorry ‘bout her,” Fridwulfa whispered in an undertone to Hagrid, “She’s been a little messed up since her dog Romeo died.”

Fridwulfa then walked over to the gigantic stove where she began preparing dinner. Hagrid began wandering around the kitchen, gazing about at all the knick-knacks they had acquired, when suddenly, a colossal telephone rang right in his ear. Hagrid jumped back, quite certain that the telephone had made him go deaf.

“Oh, that’ll be for me!” Delpapala sang, “It’s probably Romeo calling again, I swear, he never gets tired of talking to me.”

“Delpapala, Romeo’s dead, he can’t be calling-” Fridwulfa began reasonably, but Delpapala interrupted with her hands covering her ears.

“La di da, I’m not listening to you!!!!!!!!” She started to jump up and down, causing the very earth to shake.

“Delpapala, stop that now! Dinner’s ready, now sit down!” Fridwulfa bellowed.

“YAY!” Delpapala said, “What are we having?”

“Fish and chips,” Fridwulfa answered as she spooned food onto each of the dishes. As Hagrid sat down and examined his own, he felt himself growing nauseous. In his plate was a concoction of some sort of yellowish slime with fish bones and chocolate chips sprinkled all over it. It in no way resembled fish and chips. Hagrid was revolted even more as he watched Delpapala and Fridwulfa eating. They made disgusting slurping noises and eating with their hands.

“Would you like some Butterbee, my Ruebus maja muja?” Delpapala asked, picking up a pitcher, which had a foul smell emanating from it.

“N-no thanks” he stuttered, turning green.

Once dinner was over and Hagrid had overcome the nausea that had threatened to overpower him, he decided it was about time for business. He had to bring up the subject of Voldemort and if the giants planned to join him again.

“So, anyway ladies,” he began flatteringly, “have you heard that You-Know-Who has been resurrected?” This sparked a definite change in Delpapala’s mood. She went from humming placidly to herself to jumping up in rage at the mention of You-Know-Who. She tore at her hair and stamped her feet, yelling: “Voldemort, achalta ha kelev sheli! Voldemort, achalta ha kelev sheli!”

“What is she saying?” Hagrid had to yell over Delpapala’s shrieks.

“Oh, she’s just saying that Voldemort ate her dog, which is sorta true. That’s why we’ll never join up with him again, too many bad memories.”

“Oh, that’s good,” said Hagrid, “Well, you know, you’re always welcome-”

“I’M NOT A CLOCK!!!!!!!!” Delpapala screamed before crashing through the ground floor window, accomplishing nothing except causing great damage to the side of the cabin and getting herself stuck in the window frame.

“DELPAPALA!” Fridwulfa yelled, “Oh God, here we go again.” She walked over to the giant closet and pulled out the Jaws of Life.

“Okay now Delpapala, hold still…”