When Good Accessories Go Bad
AN: This fic is well... screwed up to say the least. But I have a defense! Yes, this fic was written in reply to Mandy's METMA challenge! Well, anyway, I stepped up to the challenge so to speak and look what happened! Yes, I know I'm quite a scary person when bored, but whatcha gonna do? NOTHING! ^^
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You know, I don't think anybody really knows what it's like to always be overrun and outdone by stupid magical objects. Really! None of you do! I mean *sigh*... oh I don't even know what I mean. How can I explain this to you? Well, let me think, here's a simple example. I can remember it like it was just last tuesday... maybe it was monday...or wednesday... Oh, no matter, the point is, it happened roughly about a week ago...
*wavey little clouds appear and odd music plays in the background...we'll use Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' just for imaginational reasons...*
'Twas not even an hour after I saw it that I KNEW it was completely evil. As usual, Hermione was blabbing on the phone with one of her brainless 'best friends' about the brand new, completely ANNOYING cassette tape she bought. That infernal thing caused me to loose over three nights of sleep! But, that's besides the point.
"AHAHAHAHA! Can you believe what Mandy did? ...And Xoe sounds like a dying giraffe! It's just hilarious what slow motion can do! And fruitcakes! Wow, what a punch!"
This was the kind of thing I would hear quite often. That and the continuous playing of Xoe's slow motion voice saying, "But... I don't like fruitcakes." I swear, if I hear the word fruitcake ONE MORE TIME I'm going to get quite angry. And when Crookshanks gets angry (or has a few shots of tequila), PEOPLE DIE!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
*regaining composure* But, this is not the point. Despite what you may think, the cassette tape was NOT evil, although I believe the people who actually recorded it are. What was the focus of my plans for death was actually no other than... the Barrette. Yes, that black, gemstone accessory was prepared in my mind for it's demise.
Hermione couldn't get enough of the thing. It seemed to be the ONLY (and I mean only) device that could hold back her bushy brown hair. For some reason which I'LL never know, she also felt it brought her closer to the objects of her affection, Ron and Harry. Personally, I don't know what SHE'S thinking... maybe that Barrette cut off the circulation to her brain.
Now this Barrette wasn't like any other barrette you could imagine. No, THIS Barrette was EVIL. Evil I tell you! In fact, it had gone beyond the points of evil and right on to *dun dun dunnnnn* SUPER EVIL! Yes, super evil... and I was at its mercy.
What could be so bad about a Barrette you ask? Well, despite the fact that it is EVIL, it was also magical. Yes, of course, a magical article gone wrong. It... it... it played pranks on people...yes including your favorite kitty, Crookshanks.
This Barrette HAD no limits. I remember when it had taken the pink panties in my...er Harry's underwear drawer and hung them on the Hogwarts flagpole during breakfast! How embarrassing! ...Not like I care or anything like that, I mean it WAS Harry's pants *sheepish grin*.
This clip...this accessory, was my most foul enemy. And I had to live with it too! My fur looked just fine before it came along, and now I look like something the cow dragged in! My coat has become nothing more than tar and feathers thanks to that pesky little hair clip...
Revenge was mine for the taking and I was NOT about to let this wonderful opportunity pass me by. I learned somewhere that in order to pull off the perfect prank, you must do something completely unexpected and random to catch your target by surprise. Oh believe me, this was definitely random and unexpected... I even surprise myself at how smart I am sometimes *grin*
Using the war tactics from various legends such as Carrot Top and Al Gore, I was able to pull of the perfect prank. A prank SO vile that no matter what this Barrette did, it could not surpass my ultimate intelligence. *evil laugh*
*wavey lines disappear but not enough so you still aren't back in a flashback... hee thought you were going back to the future didn't you? well, you're not so ha!*
Now, my stage is set! Soon I will be in control of Hermione's brain! Soon I will destroy that infernal clip! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
"*poke* Crookshanks, are you all right? You look quite... evil."
Ah, how very clever you are Hermione. Or maybe that isn't even YOU talking! Maybe it's the Barrette! Yes, it must be the Barrette... I looked up and saw the mindless girl mindlessly (of course) twirling one of her brown curls. That barrette was sitting there. Right above her left eyebrow, mocking me, stripping me of my dignity. It was the one thing that stopped me from achieving my ultimate plans...yes, my plans of world domination!
*coughs* But this was not the point. My trap was in place, and very soon I would be rid of that poor excuse for a mediocre hair accessory. Hermione walked from one side of the room to another, casually blabbing about the cassette tape once more. I was about to strike when suddenly...
"Hee! FRUITCAKE! *annoying echoes of the word 'fruitcake' here*"
Blinded by an unquenchable rage I leaped into action, prepared to kill anything I saw! Then, my eyes gazed upon the trickster barrette and I went in to kill. I tore away at the plastic vessel, snagging some of Hermione's hair in my elegant claws...well actually MOST of Hermione's hair. I ripped at that clip with all I had until finally, it's last minutes were near.
It's voice was barely audible and scratchy to say the least, "Crookshanks... how could you do this to me? I thought you loved all of your evil creations. How could you destroy me Croookshanks? How?" It was coughing up rhinestones as it sat there, dying.
Suddenly, it all hit me at once. IIIII was the one who made the Barrette evil. IIIII was the one who set it into annoy mode. IIIII was the one who miscalculated the electron to proton ratio and caused it to backfire horribly!
"Oh, what have I done? What have I done to you my wittle creation? Why? Why laboratory manual why? Why couldn't you just give me the correct proportions? WHY?"
*sad music plays while everything appears in French subtitles (note: there is NO real French here!)*
"Jepau le man!" (Please don't leave me Barrette!)
"Le me no jesua Crookshanks." (I must go, my time is drawing to an end now Crookshanks.)
"Moin le plue de ja vue el moi je selave' cest zu fua un me dale'!" (*over dramaticized* NO!)
*the imitation French subtitles disappear leaving everyone speaking in English again*
I was staring down into the nonexistent eyes of the Barrette and my heart died with it as it went limp in my arms, "*sniffle* I've always loved you Barrette. I'll never forget."
*sad music suddenly cuts and dies*
Before I even knew what was happening, my beloved Barrette was already sitting up, "WHAT? DO YOU THINK I'M SOME SORT OF HOMOSEXUAL? YOU WHORE! *bitch slap then a quick and fake looking death... but it was REAL*"
*wavey lines disappear COMPLETELY and the view is now turned to cage in a dark labratory*
So you see, that is how I ended up here. I was the victim of an accessory who had been deprived of too many April Fool's jokes, and now I have to pay the price... in dog years. Sure, I can understand if Hermione wanted to just let me go without my cat food for dinner, but to deprive me of my rights to freedom all because I severed off most of her hair? Well, that's just absurd! But, what really makes me want to just cry is that my creation went bad. My years of hard work were all destroyed with the simple word 'fruitcake'. What a way to go eh?
AN: Did I NOT tell you it was screwed up? I believe I did, but no matter! You read it anyway! Now comes the hard part... you must REVIEW! Please do, I'd really love to hear what you have to flame! Er... say. ^^;;;