The Death of Mary Sue
by Queen Kakia
A/N: Death of Mary Sue. I think this is the first fic of its kind, but if we try really hard, I'm sure we can outnumber even the Mary Sues!
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"Catch!" Ron shouted across the quidditch field, hopping on one foot while heaving a softball at Harry. He looked at his mitt strangely. "Crazy Americans."
"I heard that," Mary Sue, the transfer student, said teasingly as she walked out onto the field. "I'll have y'all know, we Americans are as smart as we are beautiful."
"Yeah, I know you are," Harry giggled, giving her a peck on the lips as she passed. "But the rest of your country...I don't know." He threw the ball back at Ron, who caught it while still hopping.
"Dude, you be dissin' America?" Hermione mocked, then collapsed into giggles.
Mary Sue stomped her foot and put her hands on her hips. "Y'all are making fun of my homeland! Ron, make them stop being so mean!"
"Aww, honey, they're just having fun," Ron reassured his girlfriend. He threw the softball back at Harry, then looked back at Mary Sue, who was pursing her lips and looking thoughtful. "Whats wrong, sweety-pie?"
"Why are you hopping on one foot?" Mary Sue asked.
Ron looked down. "Oh, that? It's because my other foot is broken, I think."
She shrugged. "Anyway, you're throwing it wrong," she added.
"Incorrectly," Hermione replied. "Stupid Americans," she muttered under her breath. She hated Mary Sue, because Harry loved her and Ron pretended to. In fact, Ron and Hermione had a great, stable relationship, but Ron, for some reason, insisted on pretending to be infatuated with Mary Sue. She knew that he couldn't actually stand her, either.
It was like her and Draco Malfoy, Hermione thought, as she watched the hated girl show her boyfriend how to properly throw a softball. She and Draco were keeping up a facade relationship, pretending to be in love while actually still hating each other as much as ever. In fact, she'd noticed Draco and Harry together a lot, but had never asked.
Speak of the devil. At that moment, Draco drove by in his new pink car. He parked it and walked over, whistling some song that she'd never heard. "Hi, sweet bunches!" Draco called to her, approaching.
"Hey, precious nookums," she replied, her stomach turning over as she put on a fake smile. They kissed, and she nearly gagged herself on his tongue.
"What was that song, sweety?" she asked.
"Dixie," he replied proudly. "It's an American song, right, Mary Sue?"
She nodded profusely, until Hermione thought her head would fall off. "Oh, yeah. Way back home where I'm from, it's like our national anthem!"
"Really? Teach it to us!" Ron requested eagerly, almost losing his balance, but regaining it at the last second. He threw the softball (correctly), but missed Harry by a mile as he hit Draco on the wrist.
"Bloody hell!" the blond boy exclaimed. He held up his twisted wrist. "Your broke my watch! It doesn't fit!"
"Don't be daft," Ron scorned. "Your watch doesn't fit because your wrist swelled. It's obviously broken."
"Yes, obviously," Mary Sue echoed. "Crazy Brit."
"Crazy chit." Draco's rhyming response was instantaneous, and Hermione giggled despite herself.
"Harry, make them stop!" Mary Sue whined.
He threw the ball at Ron. Correctly, Hermione noted, even without Mary Sue having to teach him. Then again, she probably taught him that (along with other things) in all the time they spent alone together. "Stop it, you guys," he finally said.
"Yeah, stop, y'all," Mary Sue echoed again. Hermione rolled her eyes as the girl twirled her elegant raven black hair around her finger.
"Hey, Hermione, honeymunchkins," Draco turned to her, "I think I'm finally mastering the fine art of Hebrew. Listen to this: Ha'yom ze Pesach. Pesach ze loh yafah. Ani tzrich le'echol matzah." She shook her head at the rhyme, but the grammar was correct, and it was, indeed, the Jewish holiday of Passover. "Ani rotzah lechem!" he finished.
"Rotzeh, dumbass," she said before she could stop herself. Everyone turned to stare at her, shocked. Only Mary sue, unaffected, ran out onto the quidditch field.
"Ron, you're not catching the ball right," the girl scolded. Hermione caught herself from correcting her grammar this time. "Harry, throw it to me. Ron, watch this."
Mary Sue backed up as Harry heaved the softball at her. She waved her arms wildly to try and catch the ball, but the thunk as the ball hit her head was loud and clear. Hermione winced as she saw the body drop.
"Sugar dearest!" Harry and Ron yelled at the same time. Harry ran, and Ron hopped, up to her, and Ron checked her pulse.
"She's dead," he announced.
They looked blankly at each other for a few seconds. Finally, Harry looked back at the corpse. "Oh, well. Good riddance." He kicked some dirt over the body.