Hermione in Wonderland
by Shankzta Lockhart

A/N: There is no A/N. Heee...

Hermione! Come down here!"

"But mum! What books are any good without any big longitudical words in it?"

"Oh whatever!"

"I wish..." Hermione murmured to herself. "That I could go to a land where everyone spoke in long sentences. With huge words. Or at least funky cats in it. Isn't that right Mrs. Norris?"

Hemione looked over to a rather large red rabbit. She apparated off the tree over to the rabbit.


"I'm early! I'm early for a not very important date, whilst I think about it!"

"Who are you? I'm Hermione!" She asked. Looking at the red rabbit. He was wearing a black robe and an orange Chudley Cannons vest with a dull watch.

"I am Ron, the Red Rabbit." He replied, looking at his watch. "Oh $#*@! I'm on time now!" And he ran towards a Whomping Willow.

Hermione followed, and ducked under the tree. The Rabbit, opened the door and slid into the tree's trunk.

"Mr. Rabbit! Oh Mr. Red Rabbit! GET YOUR BUM OVER HERE NOW!" She screamed. But he was well gone. "Oh dear, now I must go down there. Maybe it's a Wormhole to some Wonderland. Or something of the sort."

So she slid down the tree and landed in a very colourfully weird place.

"Well, I'll be darned! It is Wonderland!" She looked around and found a gate. She entered the gate, and some terrible singing expelled from it.

"A very merry Undeathday, to you, to you!" It repeated.

"Who are you?" Asked a Hare.

"Hermione. And who are you? And have you seen a tall red rabbit?"

"Nope. I'm the March Harry. Would you like some tea?"

"And," said a short man with a large hat. "I'm the Malfoy Hatter. Please join us for tea!"

So she drank some terrible tea, and spat it out. And ran out of the gate. As the duo sang their song.

She ran into a tree, and a large orange and yellow ginger cat appeared.

It sang a dreary song, and looked at her.

"Hello..." it said with a misty voice. "I'm the Crookshire Cat." It began to dissolve in the tree only leaving it's yellow eyes and a huge smile.

"No Wait!" Hermione called. It came back. "Have you seen a red rabbit?"

"No. But the Queen might have. The Queen of Lockharts."

"Where can I find her?"

"Oh. Well some people go that way. But everything's the Queen's way, which is that way." It pointed to a door.

"Thanks!" Hermione said. And Opened the door. Clutching her hands over her ears, she could hear a muffled Tom Petty song.

After the song was over. Some Easy Listening interpretations of Limp Bizkit's "My Way" were playing. And Hermione hummed it.

And there it was. The King- I mean, Queendom. She opened the doors, non-heistantly.

There in a Broadway Musical Style. Was the Red Rabbit. Playing- the electric base guitar. The Malfoy Hatter was at the drums, and the March Harry was playing the guitar. And the Queen Lockhart, who looked a lot like her Professor, Minevera McGongall sat on her throne.

When the Queen held her hand up. A cloud of dust appeared, and to Hermione's surprise...the King of Lockharts, himself, Gildroy Lockhart appeared. And sang:

"Check out, Check-check out my melody. Check out, check out my melody. You think you're special I can see it when you laugh at me, look down on me and walk around on me......."

After the first time, the audience exploded. The fifith time, some scattered applause. Then, about the one hundred and seventy fifth time, they booed them. Then, the Queen called for their Heads. (They shut up after that).

Hermione ran to the Red Rabbit.

"What the Hell-o do you want, now?!"

"To see where you were going."

"Whatever. Do you play?"

"Yes!" Hermione transfigures Gildroy Lockhart into a keyboard and picks it up.
They begin to play "Get Back" to the audience, and they went away.

"I'm so glad they're gone." The rabbit said. "C'mon let's take off these ridiculous masks."

They took off their masks and revealed that...well...they really were Limp Bizkit. Hermione had a puzzled look on their face. They had masks under the masks. Wes (the Red Rabbit) had to call Fred and the rest (Lockhart and the March Harry and the Malfoy Hatter) to help him with his mask. (The face paint was smearing.) And then, their real faces were so grotesque. That Hermione fainted from their ugliness.

"Hermione?" Asked a familiar voice. It was the Red Rabbit! Oh, no it wasn't it was just Ron. Geesh! When would Harry come? He was famous. "Oh yeah, Harry's not coming, because he's too busy being famous...and mean to me!" and he began to sob.

So, Hermione learned. Never follow a Red Rabbit into a Demented Wonderland. Listen to Limp Bizkit. Or read long books, that were over three pages long. And maybe Ron wasn't too bad....

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