"Ron, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, you got your Hogwarts letters in the mail today! They're on the kitchen table, so come down and get them!" Molly Weasley called up the stairs. Seconds later, four teenagers dragged themselves groggily out of bed and tripped down the stairs.

"Mornin, sunshine!!" greeted George Weasley, who was just opening his letter.

"Shut up, Brother dear," Ron replied. (He's not much of a morning person.) He passed out the three envelopes to his friends and sister and tore apart his own. It was actually quiet for a couple of seconds as they all read their letters, then--

"What the--- Mum, take a look at this list..." Mrs. Weasley hurried over to Ginny's side.

"Why, what's on it? Not more Lockhart books..." Mrs. Weasley's feelings about  Gilderoy Lockhart since Ginny's first year.

"No, but it says we need.... erm, moose chips, a shrubbery, a kayak, and a shovel..." Harry ticked off.

"Why would you need a kayak?" Mrs. Weasley asked.

"No idea, but Dumbledore's mad," Ron stated.

"But... doesn't it say on the sheet? Doesn't it tell you why you need it?" Mrs. Weasley questioned, growing more puzzled by the second.

"I don't know, I didn't expect some kind of Spanish inquisition!" Ron bursted out, getting a bit aggrivated. Suddenly a loud thump was heard, and a bunch of people dressed in black armer crashed through the Burrow's door.

"Noooooooooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our key weapo---" shrieked the first, who looked a bit familiar...

"Professor Snape?" Hermione asked in disbelief.

"That's SIR Professor Snape to you!"

"Since when were YOU a sir?" muttered Fred, a bit too loudly.

"NI!!!!!!!!" shouted Snape. Everyone cringed in fear.

"I am no longer your professor!" Snape began.

"YESSS!!!!" hissed Harry, pumping his fist.

"NI!!!! I am still your professor, just not CURRENTLY!" A chorus of "awwwww"s was heard. "But right now, I am a Knight who says NI!!!"

"Always knew there was something wrong with him.... probably the oil in his hair seeped into his brain and got to him..." whispered George.

"We are keepers of the sacred words: Ni, pang, and neeeeeeeewamp!"The students shared some looks of "he's mental" at this point, and one of the twins voiced the thought. And Sn-- umm, Sir Snape heard him.

"NI!!!!!"- Everyone shuddered- "I will say NI to you again, if you do not appease us!"

"What is it you want?" cowered Mrs. Weasley. *All I want is to get this madman out of my house!* she thought.

"I want..... A SHRUBBERY!!!!!"

"What?!" everyone exclaimed simultaneously.

"NI!!! You will bring us a shrubbery, or you will never survive my class... aaaallllliiiive!" Snape answered creepily.

"Umm, okay, we'll get you a shrubbery!" promised Ginny, trying to will him to go away.

"One that looks nice," he added.

"Of course!" they all chorused.

"And not too expensive!"

"Right!"

"Now go!"

"What?! We're not going ANYWHERE, PROFESSOR, this is OUR HOUSE!" stormed Mrs. Weasley. Snape and his other Knights of Ni scampered out of the house.

"Mum.... can we please cut classes this year?"

***

LATER.... AT DIAGON ALLEY....
"I suppose we should get a shovel next," George said, reading off the list. They'd already stopped at the apothecary to get some frech New Hampshire moose chips.

"What d'you suppose the shovel is for?" Ron asked.

"Dunno, probably handling moose chips... Ah, here we are, 'Sorcery n' Shovels Shop.' Sounds like they have shovels..." Fred suggested. They walked into the store together.

In one half of the store, they were met with shovels of all kinds. Aisles of snow shovels, troughs, plastic toy shovels, and heavy duty shovels stretched way to the back of the store. They all purchased a metal shovel with a wooden handle, as their lists said. Then they were off to find a shrubbery for then Knights of--- for potions.

They went into a shabby store that had "shrubberies" painted on the window. The store seemed empty and quiet, much like Ollivanders, but then a man appeared and started talking to them.

"How may I help you today?" he asked.

"Erm, we all need.... shrubberies..." Harry answered.

"Good! You've come to the right place! I'm Roger the shrubber. My family has arranged, designed, and sold shrubberies since the days of King Arthur!" he told them.

"Umm... interesting..." Ginny said. She wanted to get out of the store because she had allergy problems. Fred noticed.

"Yeah, so, we'll all just take a few laurel bushes and be off!"

Roger the Shrubber handed them all shrubberies. "That'll be five galleons for the lot of you." He collected the money and they left to find a kayak.

"Do any of you remember a store that sells kayaks?" Mrs. Weasley asked, irritated.

"No, I have no idea wher--- oh..... my.... god...." Fred started. George looked where he was mouthing wordlessly, and started doing so himself. Ron turned around also and gasped.

"Umm, Harry, we all love you, and would like for you to live a long long healthy life... So, umm, I'm suggesting you DO NOT turn around..." Ron stammered.

"Why--- oh.... my...... god....." Harry stared in shock at what was once his favorite store. The sign that had formerly said "Quality Quidditch Supplies" said "Kwality Kayak Supplies". There were no broomsticks or ANYTHING related to Quidditch, or even Quodpot. It was all kayaks and gear for water sports.

"No..." Hermione squeaked, terrified. "No, I've got hydophobia..."

***

Meanwhile, in Knockturn Alley.... Let's visit another wizard family as they do their school shopping!
"Good day, Mister Malfoy, how may I help you?" asked the oily man behind the counter.

"Yes, hello, Borgin, it's school shopping season again..."

"Ah, yes! What can I get you?"

"Well, we got all of our books and basic supplies, but this year we also need---" Lucius Malfoy rattled off the list of four items. Mr. Borgin spat out his coffee.

"Er, Master Malfoy!" he called. Draco looked up.

"Yeah?" he drawled.

"Has your father gone off his rocker?" Mr. Borgin said strongly, trying to avoid Mr. Malfoy's glare.

"Yeah, probably, why?" Draco grinned angelically at his dad's furious look.

"Er, your list of school supplies, is... very.... different, this year..." Borgin explained.

"Oh, that. No, that's what it says I need, probably that mad old headmaster has something weird up his sleeve."

"Oh, right... Heh, sorry Mister Malfoy..." Borgin apologized as he went off to gather the odd assortment of items.

***

Back in Diagon Alley
What would you say if you were walking down the street and saw five kids with kayaks on their heads and shrubberies under their arms with a shovel sticking out of a nasty smelling bag? Well, that's what the Weasleys, Hermione, and Harry were doing, and I must say it was hilarious.

"Shut UP, narrator!" growled Ron. The narrator stuck her tongue out at him and blew a raspberry.

"Nyahh, nyahh, you can't get me! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of elderberries!" taunted the narrator.

"Why you---!!!!!!" Ron thundered. He then calmed down and decided to leave the narrator alone and get on with the story because the author felt like it. It was also a very comical sight seeing them try to stuff a kayak up a chimney so they could go home using Floo powder. But then---

***

"Haaaaaarrrrry, Roooooon, wake up! Breakfast is ready, and your Hogwarts letters came in the mail!

Ron yawned. What a weird dream! He shook his head, remembering his insane professor who said ni and a Draco who insulted his own father. He chuckled on his way down the stairs, and took the letter that George handed him.

"Whoa, this is really weird..." Fred observed, reading his list.

"What is weird?" Mrs. Weasley asked.

"I dunno, I didn't expect a--"

"No, don't say that..." Ron muttered. It was too late.

"--- kind of Spanish inquisition!"

Ron sighed and dropped down into his chair as he heard the familiar thump. Before his professor could scare him, he picked up the list:

*One (1) standard-sized barrel of moose chips
*A shrubbery... One that looks nice! And not too expensive!
*A kayak... for the interhouse kayaking tournament...
*A metal shovel with a wooden handle.

"Oh, please let it be another dream..." he moaned.