Werewolf? THERE WOLF! There castle!
by Aurora Lynn Rose
A/N You won't get the title unless you've seen Young Frankenstein... Anyhoo, this baby was writtne for METMA Challenge #16, the requirements of which aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare: *marching band parades by, playing peppy music and waving signs in the air that say "Viva la METMA"*
Ta da! There it be! *everyone admires it for a few more seconds* Here's the fic... and someone get that *censored* marching band outta here! *Crabbe and Goyle storm in and grab ten band members each, signs & instruments and all, and throw them out the door* Thanks, guys! *hands them each a few galleons* Heh.... oh ya..... sorry.... on with the story (it has a plot! *gasp*)!!!!!!!!
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Hagrid trudged through the undergrowth of the Forbidden Forest on his daily walk, wearing his heavy-duty boots and famous moleskin coat, Fang trotting along beside him contentedly. Out of no where, Fang's ears pricked up and he started whining shrilly.
"What's up, sweetums?" Hagrid asked, looking around cautiously. He loaded his crossbow, just in case. He listened intently for anything unusual, but heard nothing besides Fang's whimpering. Then, just as Hagrid was lowering his weapon, something in the bushes rustled. Fang yelped and shot back towards the hut just as a canine figure emerged from the shrubs. A werewolf! Well, we all know Hagrid...
"Awwww, what a CUTE little puppy!" cooed Hagrid. "Fang DOES need a playmate... Come on, puppy, come to Mommy!"
The werewolf looked like it wanted to bite "Mommy's" arms off more than it wanted to follow obediently, but for some strange reason (we'll blame it on the author's uncreative mind) it did the latter.
Ron knocked on Hagrid's door, Harry and Hermione behind him. Getting no response, he tried again. A gruff voice answered him.
"No me molestos!" it barked. Ron shared a puzzled look with his friends.
"Hagrid, open up, it's us!" Harry called through the door. It swung open, revealing the wild face of the Hogwarts gamekeeper.
"Oh sorry, thought you were Dumbledore, or the ministry, or the Spanish Inquisition, they've been bothering me a lot lately..." Hagrid apologized.
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Ron muttered darkly. They followed him into the hut, Hagrid shutting the door behind them, and Hermione gasped. They all knew why.
"Hagrid.... why is there a werewolf sleeping on your bed?" she asked, trying to keep calm.
"Aww, isn't he adorable, I found him in the woods, a stray-"
"Most werewolves are stray, seeing that you're the only one insane enough to keep one..." Ron commented quietly enough so Hagrid wouldn't hear him.
"-so, I took him home and decided to keep him!" Hagrid finished, looking over at his pet lovingly.
"That's... great..." Harry replied, after realizing he was gawking and deciding to say the only this that could come to his mind at the moment. 'Why me?' he thought.
"What do you expect to... to name him?" Hermione asked. She was going to ask "What do you expect to do when it gets loose and bites everyone?" but she'd changed her mind mid-sentence.
"Moony," Hagrid answered promptly. "He already responds to the name quite well!" He beamed proudly as everyone else gazed at him and Moony in a stupor. Finally, Hermione snapped out of it.
"Er, Hagrid... we'll come back after herbology, okay?" she promised. They then departed in a hurry, for once glad to go to class.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione headed down to Hagrid's hut again after spending an hour being pricked by Merciless Thornbushes in Herbology. Halfway down, they heard a mournful howling.
"Uh oh, think Hagrid's been bitten?" Harry whispered.
"No, I think that's Hagrid howling..." Hermione whispered back.
"That's what I meant..."
Once outside Hagrid's door, they heard another voice that sounded vaguely familiar.
"But Hagrid, I CAN'T be your pet! I'm a human! There are laws against owning humans! Come to think of it, there are also laws against owning werewolves-" it explained loudly, trying to drown out Hagrid's sobs, which were getting louder every second.
"You-don't-love-your-Mommy-anymore!" he wailed between sniffles. The three amigos walked in just in time to see Hagrid erupt into tears and Remus Lupin rolling his eyes in exasperation.
"Oh, hello, you three, long time no see! Erm, I'd love to talk, but... um... a little help?" Remus greeted, grinning in what he hoped was a pleading way. Ron tentatively stepped over to Hagrid.
"Erm, Hagrid, buddy..." he tried, only causing Hagrid's tantrum to intensify.
"I think maybe you should try to cheer him up," suggested Harry knowingly.
"What do you want me to do, skip around singing "tra la la" with roses in my hair?!" Remus cried. Hermione giggled at the concept.
"That would be entertaining," muttered Ron, sniggering. Remus scowled. Then, suddenly, he broke into a song and dance. A tap dance, no less, although since he was wearing a bowling shoe on one foot the taps sounded a bit clonky.
"Grey skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face, wipe off that frown and cheer up, put on a happy face-" he sang in a strong voice. Hermione collapsed, laughing hysterically, while Ron, Harry, and Hagrid watched, intrigued.
"So spread suuuuunshine AAAAAAALLLL oooooover the place, just... put on a haaaaaappyyyyyyy face! Da da da da da!" He finished his performance with a jazzy ending pose. Harry and Ron cheered and applauded, Hermione was still giggling insanely, and a bleary-eyed Hagrid blinked once before returning to his bawling session. Remus held his cheesy stage-smile long enough to leap-shuffle over to the teens, and then his smile faded.
"Great, I made a fool of myself and it didn't even work..." he grumbled.
"Wow, you tap dance better than Professor Flitwick!" Ron complimented admiringly. Just then, Professor Flitwick burst through the door, did a short gymnastics routine to some quick classical music, and bolted back out when he'd finished. Everyone but Hagrid stared after him.
"That was... strange... Anyway, ever considered going on Broadway?" Harry asked. Remus pouted.
"Mom made me take classes when I was little... said I needed to 'get involved'... I had to be in a class with all girls!" he grimaced. Ron snorted.
"Shut up!" snapped Remus. "And, um, don't tell anyone..."
"Okay, shut up about the stupid tap dance (although, I must say I rather enjoyed it) and let's get back to cheering Hagrid up," said Hermione, who had regained her composure and was now pulling out her wand. She then performed a simple Cheering Charm on Hagrid, who stopped crying immediately.
"I feel HAPPY!!" he squealed. He then started jumping up and down and dancing with Fang, causing the whole hut to bounce up and down.
"Good thinking, Hermione!" Ron praised. Hermione blushed.
"Yeah, I'm suprised I didn't think of that before... Glad Professor Flitwick taught us that spell!" Hermione exclaimed. Flitwick suddenly fell through the roof, did the tango with Fang (who was a very good dance partner even though he was ten times bigger than Flitwick), took a bow, and blasted off like a rocket through the hole he'd made in the ceiling.
"What is WITH him?!" Ron blurted.
"Dunno, but I'd better be off!" said Remus. They all gave him their farewells, and he hopped up and down three times on his bowling-shoed foot and disappeared.
"Right, let's blow this popsicle stand!" Hermione shouted. Ron and Harry stared at her. "What?"
They shook their heads, said goodbye to Hagrid, and went back to the semi-sanity of the castle.
Ron yawned widely. He was the only one in the common room after just completing his Potions essay. He was about to go up the stairs, but he had an idea for an experiment. Turning around, he whispered "Professor Flitwick!"
He stepped back as the Radio City Rockettes made their way down the stairs in a kickline, Professor Flitwick dancing away in the center of it. He was being held up by two Rockettes and he couldn't reach the ground, so he just waved his feet around in the air in time to their taps. They kicklined across the common room and exited out the portrait hole.
"Cool," Ron observed, evil grin spreading across his face. He finally returned to his dorm to have odd and disturbing dreams until morning.
A/N THE EEEEEEND!!!! Did ya like it? I know, extreme weirdness.... If you didn't get the epilogue, it was completely random.... Basically whenever someone says "Professor Flitwick" *Professor Flitwick runs around with a bucket on his head yelling "I AM THE CHEESE" then yodels as he goes out the door*, he just appears and starts doing something stupid.
Advice: Never adopt a werewolf... It might be someone you know!
Never tap dance in bowling shoes, it gives everyone a migraine.
And, last but not least, review this story or I'll sick Fang the Dancing WonderDog on you! Flames from sane people appreciated, cool reviews from crazy people gladly accepted. ^_^