Dear METMA...
by Aurora Lynn Rose

A/N: I'm not sure if this is acceptable because I wrote it like I wrote my other METMA article fics, what with the mission and journal and all. Oh well, I had fun writing it. ^-^

November 18th, 2001, 6:48 PM...Just when you thought it was safe...

ALR here. Writing in the METMA journal again. Well duh, I wouldn't be writing in the METMA journal if I wasn't writing in the METMA journal, now would I?

The voices in my head were having a jolly good time bouncing off my skull, when suddenly I heard the song "Yellow Submarine" playing from somewhere close by. I pulled on my Secret Agent outfit, scowled at my reflection in the mirror, and pulled my "SPAM" hoodie and star spangled jeans on. Stupid spy outfits are too revealing these days.

Once the fashion issue was cleared up, I opened the trapdoor in my closet and slid down the pole into a dark room. The darkness was pretty cool, as my star spangled pants glow in the dark. I walked up to a huge Harry Potter poster (the one where Harry looks evil, heh heh), and said the password.

"Da---- Me--------!" I whispered to it. Yep, you geussed it, the password is our METMA Draco Malfoy's real name. But I can't tell even tell you the password, dear journal, in case you fall into the wrong hands.

The wall opened into a room that looked like a METMA shrine. Every magical article that had been saved had it's picture on the wall with whatever METMAian helped it. And in the left corner of the round room, there was a podium with a pair of antlers on it. I put the antlers on my head.

"Aurora Lynn Rose, reporting to duty!" I said.

"Gold leader, this is Red Five, do you copy?" a voice asked.

"What the hell?!" I exclaimed.

"Oh, sorry, wrong intercom!" apologized the voice. I blinked a few times, vaguely wondered who the strange man was (although he sounded familiar), and shook out of it.

"Mandy, are you there?" I asked.

"Ah, ALR, it's about time you showed up! We've been trying to reach you for the last few hours!"

"I know, I was out watching the Harry Potter movie again!"

"I thought you hated that..."

"Nope, I love it!"

Mandy paused.

"But... I thought you said..."


Mandy paused again, as if wondering how to reply, then decided against it. She'd never get to the point if she let ALR ramble on aimlessly.

"Yeah... Well anymo" -Mandy caught herself mid-moo-"AnyWAY, we've recieved another complaint."

"Why are you telling ME? Why don't you ask someone else for a change?" I cried.

"Because, ALR, this mission is DIFFERENT! Much different! And you're the only member who can go through with it!" Mandy pleaded desperately.

"Aww, gee, I've never felt so loved..." I sniffled. "But..."

"But what?"

"There's just one problem... I'm not left-brained!" I pointed to the right side of my head to illustrate my point, then realized my error and switched fingers.


"Dude, I feel so... authorityish..." she said, mostly to herself. My eyebrows hit my hairline and I took off my antlers. In exactly 59 seconds, an owl dropped a letter on my head. It wasn't the only thing it dropped either.

"DAMN YOU, WISERLY!" I ran all the way back to my bathroom to wash my hair, taking the letter to my room. After I was all clean again, I opened the letter and read it. My summarization of this whole mess: Why me!?



I am a portrait. I am one of the most important ones in all of Hogwarts castle. I work very hard to do my job. So how do people treat me? They call me fat. They don't answer me when I ask them questions. They make me open and close all day and night. I've even been slashed by a murderer! Nobody ever says thank you or takes proper care of me, and if this keeps up, I'm quitting.



I sighed and put down the letter. Returning to the Secret METMA Shrine, I stepped into the blue light in the middle of the room and was instantly transported to Hogwarts. Damn, I love my plot holes.

The first person I ran into was Draco Malfoy (the non-METMA one).

"What are you doing here, Muggle?" he sneered. I turned around and glared at him.

"Oh, go build a bridge, ferret boy!" I snapped, at a loss for good insults. To my suprise, Draco's eyes grew wide and he smiled at me in a way that made me feel VERY uncomfortable.

"Anything for you," he muttered. He took Crabbe and Goyle outside, and I heard him mutter something about getting hammers, nails, and pieces of wood. Boy, AMM will be angry.


A few hours later, I had devised a master plan and put it into action. Good thing, too, because no one could get in or out of Gryffindor Tower. I lured the... big-boned lady into another picture frame, covered her with a tablecloth, and brought her down to the Great Hall. Every Gryffindor student was in there. I was about to speak when Draco Malfoy came in with a bright red rose.

"I built a bridge for you, angel, I hope you like it... And I got this for you too," he said shyly, blushing. I took the rose from him, while giving him one of those "What-are-you-on?" looks that I seem to recieve so often. Suddenly, a scary looking girl ran into the Great Hall, got right in Draco's face, and punched him in the nose.

"OW!" he screamed, "What did you do THAT for... oh... hello, All Mighty Me..."

He was dragged out of the room painfully by the ear. Everyone stared after the two for a while until the door shut. I shrugged. Sometimes that's the only way you can deal with insane people.

"Everybody, can I have your attention?" I called. "Thank you! Now, I've called you all here for a reason."

I paused. Someone's stomach growled loudly. So much for an aura of suspense.

"We are gathered here to celebrate the life of a very special picture. That's right, a portrait. Through her life, she has been treated with discourtesy and violence. Still, she has remained patient. She's opened the door for many people. She's stuck with her job even after being almost murdered. We hardly take the time to recognize her, and I find that despicable. So today, I'd like you all to say a big 'Thank You' to her. Give it up for the Fa--- the Lady in the Pink Dress!"

The whole hall cheered as I took the cloth off of the painting. I gave the rose to her, figuring it wouldn't be right to keep it. She smiled, a tear forming in her painted eye, and a bunch of sappy stuff took place. After everyone said "Awwwwwwww", I returned home. I fell into my chair and sighed.

Mission accomplished. Now I can finally rela--- SHIT!!!! I NEED TO WORK ON MY BOOK REPORT!!! IT'S DUE TOMORROW! AAAAAH!!!


Well, my METMA journal, it's been a hunky dory article saving time, but I must leave! And always remember, METMA cares about mistreated magical objects! Why? Frankly, we don't know, but we'll always be there to help nevertheless!

*grins and runs away to finish her neglected report*

A/N: There is no A/N!

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