A Series of Unfortunate... and Fortunate... Events
by American Hermione

Disclaimer: All of the characters you recognize belong to J.K. Rowling. The title is a takeoff of "A Series of Unfortunate Events"- a wonderful series by Lemony Snicket. All else belongs to me. =>)

Hermione Granger deftly flipped her abundant brown curls behind one flawless shoulder. Her tresses shone in the pale moonlight, and her wide eyes sparkled as they searched for someone.

She strolled barefoot through the dewy grass and called out into the darkness.

“Darling, where are you?”

Suddenly a tall figure emerged from the shadows.

“I’m right here, love.” he said tenderly, walking towards her.

Hermione peered at his face. His voice was familiar, but she couldn’t quite make out his features...

Then a shooting star illuminated the night for a split-second and showed her a glint of red hair and freckles.

No! It couldn’t be! Her love was... Ron?!?

“Hermione-” Ron said softly. “Hermione-”

“Hermione!” Ron’s head was right next to hers. “Wake up! You fell asleep again! Snape is going to see you!”

Hermione’s head shot up and she blushed scarlet, hastily combing her hands through her bushy hair.

“Um, Hermione?” said Harry, squinting at her expression. “Why are you blushing?”

“It’s nothing. Nothing at all,” said Hermione too quickly. She picked up her quill and began to take notes on the Potions lesson.

“Miss Granger,” said a cold voice from the front of the classroom. “What are the properties of a mixture of two parts wormwood, one part dragon claw, and three parts dragon blood?”

Hermione’s eyes lowered. “Um, well...”

“Come, Miss Granger, I don’t have all day. Or were you perhaps not paying attention?”

Hermione blushed deeper and looked up with all the strength she could muster.

“In smaller doses, it is used as a restorative...” she paused.

“Continue,” Snape sneered.

“And in larger doses, as a powerful aphrodisiac.” Hermione finished quickly. The class snickered.

Neville, as usual, looked confused. He half-raised his hand, then glanced at Snape and thought better of it. Leaning over, he whispered to Hermione, “What’s an aphrodisiac?”

Hermione shot him a look of pure mortification while Snape’s eyes glinted.

“A question, Longbottom?” Snape gave Neville a stare that made him quake.

“Y-yes, sir,” he stuttered.

“May I hear it? Or would you rather ask Miss Granger to answer instead of myself?”

“I-I wanted to know what an aphrodisiac was, P-Professor.” he whispered.

“I see,” Snape said coldly. His eyes shot to Hermione, and he smirked. “Well, Miss Granger, do you have the answer for Longbottom?”

Hermione, who was now reaching the color of a ripe tomato, began twisting a curl over her finger. Her hand shook.

“Yes, Professor,” she whispered, “I do.”

Snape raised one greasy eyebrow.

“Out with it, then, Miss Granger.”

“Um, well, it’s a sort of...” she hesitated. “Um, yes, well, a sort of love potion I suppose... that’s one way of explaining it...”

Snape interrupted her.

“I’m surprised, Miss Granger. That’s not a very clear answer coming from you. Do you have any idea of what an aphrodisiac is, Mr. Weasley?”

Ron, who obviously DID know the answer, shot a tortured look at Hermione, who groaned and buried her head on her desk. Ron cleared his throat and prepared to answer...

Just then the classroom door was thrown open. In floated a ghost carrying a scythe, clothed in hot pink robes and a hood to match.

Snape looked surprisingly taken aback. He opened his mouth angrily but his words were drowned out by the ghost’s shouting.

“I AM THE GRIM REAPER! BEWARE!” bellowed the ghost.

Snape went suddenly pale.

“But I thought...” he whispered.

“YOU THOUGHT WRONG, SEVERUS. NO ONE CAN ESCAPE DEATH!” The ghost cackled and whizzed towards Snape, who put a fist in his mouth to keep from screaming.

Then a Ravenclaw girl cleared her throat.

“Um, Mr. Reaper, sir...”


“Why are you dressed in pink?”

The ghost’s eyes widened and he quickly glanced at his robes.

“PEEEEEEEEEEEVES!” he screamed furiously. An unmistakable sniggering could be heard from the corridor, followed by a short song.

“The Grim Reaper was black till his robes went astray,
Now he’s all dressed in pink, and he really looks.......”

“PEEVES!” hollered the Reaper. “YOU’LL DIE FOR THIS, PEEVES!” The ghost sped out the door while Peeves’ voice grew fainter.

Snape slowly walked back to his desk and poured himself something out of small glass bottle, downing it in one gulp.

“Class dismissed,” he choked.


Out in the hallway, Hermione walked right past Ron and Harry. Ron grabbed her hand and smiled at her.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” he said.

Hermione turned crimson and stuttered, “Library- I’ve got to study- Muggle dating, I mean, Muggle eating habits. Bye.” She shook off Ron and ran down the hall without a backward glance.

“That was odd.” Ron said. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her... she’s been weird lately...”

Suddenly a loud shriek was heard, followed by muffled bumping and then a moan of pain.

“Hermione!” shouted Ron, and ran towards the end of the hallway. Peering down the stairwell, Harry and Ron saw a very familiar crumpled figure, her books lying all around her.

“No! Hermione, are you all right?” Ron took the stairs two at a time and cradled Hermione’s head in his arms, brushing her hair off of her forehead.

Hermione looked bewilderedly at Ron for a moment and then giggled.

“They’re coming to take me away, ha ha...” sang Hermione.

“What is she singing?” said Harry.

“They’re coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha...”

“Oh, no, she must have had a concussion or something!” moaned Ron.

“We’d better take her to the Hospital Wing...” Harry said.

“To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all day long...” Hermione giggled again. Ron moaned.

Harry began to pick her up off of the floor with Ron’s help, and they carted the singing Hermione off to Madame Pomfrey.

Once they were inside the door, they explained to Madame Pomfrey what had happened.

“The poor dear!” she said. “We’ll have her fixed up in no time.”

“Can we stay with her?” Ron pleaded.

“I suppose.” said Madame Pomfrey. “For a bit.”

Harry looked around the hospital wing while Hermione was treated and Ron stuck to her side.

“¡Hola, señor!” said one voice from a bed.

Harry peered at its occupant. “Hey, I remember you! You’re the Mexican exchange student!” he said.

“Si, soy Ricardo! ¡Y tú eres Harry! ¡Harry Potter!”

“Um, yeah. Hi.” said Harry. “What happened to you?”

“La escalera, la escalera, ¡cuidado!” shouted Ricardo.

“Oh, you’ll have to not mind him.” said Madame Pomfrey from across the room. “He fell down the same stairwell, and he’s gotten a bit touched.”

“¡Es una fiesta en mis pantalones!” said Ricardo cheerily.

“Oh, NO!” said Ron unhappily. “Will Hermione...”

“Hermione’s fine now,” said Madame Pomfrey, standing up. “See for yourself.”

Hermione stood, smiled, and threw herself into Ron’s arms.

And the rest of the hospital wing wisely left them to their embrace.

The end- R/R please! casamanca@aol.com. =>)

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