My Salami is in the Oven
by Fred Weasley's Girlfriend

One day in Harry's Potion class, Professor Snape was explaining to the class how to brew a truth potion when there was a knock at the door.

"I'll be right back," growled Snape. "And when I get back, I want your Truth potions to be ready for tasting." With his robes swishing like his greasy hair, he swept outside. Neville was extremely nervous and for good reason. It seemed like Snape hated him almost as much as he hated Harry Potter.

"I know Professor Snape is going to make me drink my potion," Neville said as he added eighteen ounces of crushed dragon scales when he was only supposed to add five.

"Oh no Neville!" Hermione exclaimed. "You added too much dragon scales! You must take it off the fire before it explodes." Neville shakily took his cauldron off the fire, poured its contents into a vial, and placed it in its holder that was right next to Professor Snape's truth potion example. Before anyone could do anything else, the door opened and Snape came skipping merrily into the classroom. Harry and Ron exchanged confused glances.

"What's up with him?" Ron muttered.

"Weasley!" Snape turned around and several greasy strands of hair flew into his eyes like a beautiful swan taking off from a lake. "One point from Gryffindor for you not paying attention and nine points for you being a Weasley."

"But.. but.." Ron stuttered. "You can't do that!"

"I can do exactly what I want, Weasley," Snape snarled and gave an evil laugh. "Muhahaha, you're in my world now."

"But this is a Potions classroom, not a world," Lavender Brown said, confused. "I think the grease from your hair is affecting your brain."

"My brain is perfectly fine and dandy, like cotton candy!" Snape yelled. "Twenty points from Gryffindor for your insulting remarks. They have wounded me to the core. And, you're no better, you look like you had a hair dye accident. All right.. that's enough. Detention, Weasley! And you, Potter and Brown, for also distracting me!" Harry gasped emotionlessly because he hadn't really been doing anything. Then Snape reached behind him without looking for his example truth potion and unknowingly took Neville's potion instead.

"Can I go to the bathroom please?" Draco said.

"WHAT?" Snape raised a greasy eyebrow. "I do not know, Draco. Can you?"

"Uh….yes I know I can, for I have done it before."

"Shut up, you fool, I do not wish to hear about you going to the bathroom…Get out of my sight or I shall tell everyone you are afraid of…"

"No, no please don't tell Professor!" Draco exclaimed. "I'm leaving now, I swear."

Turning paler than usual, he gathered his things and ran out of the dungeon. Snape turned to the rest of his class, still holding 'the Truth potion' in his hands, and said, "Class dismissed, except for those who have detention." The students muttered as they filed out of the classroom slowly, trying not to upset the professor any more. Ron, Harry, and Lavender waited as Professor Snape gingerly sniffed the potion vial in his cold, white hands.

"What will our detentions be, Professor?" asked Ron. Snape turned on his heels and with his cold stare, looked directly at Ron with an evil smirk on his face. Ron gulped and looked at the wall. Unfortunately, there was a portrait of Snape on the wall, so he looked at the other one, which had a picture of a pink rabbit. Snape followed Ron's gaze and muttered, "Don't ask." Ron and Harry just looked at each other, very confused. Lavender didn't notice because she was too busy putting on foundation.. which didn't match her skin color so she was multiple shades of off-white.

"Are you quite done, Miss Brown," Snape asked, "painting yourself for your detention, ey?"

"My makeup has to look right for my boyfriend!" Lavender wailed. "I can't look this good without any help!" Now everyone was staring at her with confused looks on their faces.

"You got that right," muttered Harry. With that, Snape went behind his desk, got out a toothpick, and gave it to Lavender.

"What's this for?" said Lavender.

"Scrape every single patch of slime and mold off this dungeon floor," said Snape. "I want it to shine like my shoes when I get back. Potter! Weasley! Follow me!" Snape exited the dungeon quickly, giggling loudly and hysterically like a hyena. Harry and Ron had no choice but to follow, resisting the urge to run. Snape stopped suddenly in the middle of the Charms corridor. Harry and Ron smacked into him, then fell backwards.

"Wait here," Snape said venomously. "If thou moveth from this hallwayth, 'twill be a horrible thing if I catch you somewhere else." Again, like the beautiful swan flying into the dark sky, Snape jumped to the left, crashed into the Charms door, fell on his back and started spasming on the floor like a fish out of water. Ron snorted with laughter. Harry remained expressionless and ate his Froot Loop cereal that had suddenly appeared in his hand. After all, he was the hero and heroes are supposed to be expressionless. Snape finished spasming and walked in the Charms classroom.

"Mental, that one, I'm telling you," Ron said. "All that grease buildup… man, he is nutters. Hey! Where did you get the cereal from?"

"I don't know, it just appeared," Harry said. "As if it were magic."

"If it was? But Harry, that's impossible," said Ron. "After all, we're in Hogwarts. This is not an enchanted castle or anything."

"Honestly, don't you two read?" Hermione's voice spoke in their heads. Her head was floating next to Harry's. He jumped back in shock.

"Hermione! How did you get here?" Ron asked.

"It's Harry's invisibility cloak," Hermione said. "I borrowed it for a tick."

"How many ticks do you know?" said Harry.

"What idiots you both are…don't you two know there are thousands of ticks here, at Hogwarts. They work here as slaves, just like the house elves!"

"Are you going to shut up about those bloomin' elves?" asked Ron.

"Ron! You are a member of S.P.E.W and I will make sure you are vice president of my new organization called Tick Liberation Front. But it is pronounced HUPPY which rhymes with yuppie!"

"What are you talking about, Hermione? Have you gone koo-koo?"

Hermione began to cry and ran away, but tripped on the carpet and fell down. After she got up, she ran away down the hall, never to be heard from again…well until she comes back later in the story. Harry and Ron stared at the direction she was going in.

"Well, things can't get any worse than this," muttered Ron. Just then, Dobby came walking down the hallway carrying a tray with several large bottles.

"Harry Potter! You is here! What surprise this is being!" Dobby squeaked in happiness.

"Dobby, are you high again?" asked Harry.

"No, sir, Dobby doesn't do drugs now, he doesn't," replied Dobby. "Dobby is a good elf now."

"All right," Harry said. "What have you got there?"

"Ah, these is for Professor Snape," Dobby said. "He's be needing his 'medicine,' oh yes, medicine indeed." Ron glanced at the labels on the bottles.

"Since when is vodka, gin, wine, and fruit punch medicine?" Ron asked.

"Hold it right there, Weasley," came a horrible, sour, familiar voice from behind him. It was Draco Malfoy. "You're drinking these? Oh, that's rich. Wasted Weasley," Draco chuckled.

"Shut it," Ron spat. His spit was green. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to see Snape staring menacingly at him.

"Oh good, my spirits…I mean medicine," Snape said. "Dobby, bring those to my quarters immediately." Dobby nodded and ran down the corridor, apparently towards Snape's room. Harry started to smell something strange… something he had not smelled in quite some time.

"Hard salami," Harry whispered.

"What?" Ron asked.

"No, not the salami!" Snape cursed. "My salami's in the oven and it's been a hour! It's going to be ruined! All my hard work for nothing!" With that, they started running. Ron and Harry were clueless as to where they were going, but Snape seemed to know. They stopped at a black wooden door and Snape searched his hair for the key to the room.

"Ah, here it is," he said after a minute of searching through his greasy hair. He inserted the greasy, gold key into the keyhole and turned it. The door opened and they all went in. There, in the middle of the cold room was a statue of a lava lamp. It was glowing, and doing its lava thing and everything!

"So do you like my lava lamp? Made it entirely out of rose petals and bamboo," Snape said. "I was going to submit it to the Rose parade, but the shipping and handling charge was too freckling expensive and I didn't want to part with it."

"It's interesting," said Harry with a forced smile. "I can see the thingys moving."

"Is it real lava?" asked Ron.

"Honestly, don't you two read?" Hermione's floating head said as it suddenly appeared, floating next to the lava lamp.

"I don't know what that's supposed to mean," Ron said. Meanwhile, Snape was searching through his desk as if he were looking for something. He stamped his foot once and felt something slosh in his pocket. He sneezed and pushed his hand into his pocket. Then he sniffed the potion that was covering his fingers.

"This isn't truth potion, it's hair dye!" Snape exclaimed. Just then, Harry noticed something strange was happening to Snape's hair. Well, it already was pretty strange, but we digress. Snape's hair turned a bright green and twisted into small braids.

"Hmm, my hair has a refreshing mint flavor/smell," Snape said.

"And your hair is bright green," Ron added, while pointing to Snape's hair.

"That is preposterous!" screamed Snape. Then there was a yellow glow that seemed to be coming from his hair and the whole room suddenly smelled of Pinesol. Plus, Snape started to choke from the fumes. "Help," he gasped. "Can't breathe…"

Hermione's head moved towards Snape and she started to do abdominal thrusts on him. Nothing came out of his mouth, though, so she continued to do it. Snape gurgled, turned purple and started break-dancing on the floor. As a result, Ron started to sing to the tune of Spice up Your Life, shaking his hips, snapping his fingers, and rotating his head. Harry started moonwalking as Hermione started to read a random book she found on Snape's desk called Chicken Soup for the Potions Master. Now to add to this craziness, Snape found he was beginning to lose his voice, so he breakdanced to his nightstand and poured himself some vodka while continuing to dance. Ron had quickly tired of dancing and went to the bathroom for a quick breather. There, in the bathtub, was a small book that glowed green. He picked up and saw the title.

"The Diary of a most misunderstood soul," Ron muttered and opened the book. A flash of light surrounded him and he blinked. … The next thing he saw was a sign: Welcome to Mexico City, Mexico, you know South of the Border, population: muchas personas. Oh no, Ron thought. This was not good. A middle-aged lady came up to him with bags of pencil sharpeners and a strange powdery substance.

Hola! ¿Como se llama? (Hello. What is your name?)

Me llamo Ronaldo Weasleyio. ¿ Y tu? ¿Como se llama? (my name is Ronald Weasley, and you?)

Me llamo senorita Floopy Snapeio (my name is Floopy Snapeio)

¿ Como estas mi Nueva amiga? (How are you, my new friend?)

Estoy Bien. ¿Y tu? (I am fine. What about you?)

Estoy cansada pero estoy muy feliz (I am tired but happy)

Adios (goodbye)

Leña (firewood)

The girl ran across the street and got hit by a car. Ron just looked at her, then the ground began to shake and he heard disco music. Then all of a sudden, he was back in Snape's bathroom. To be exact, he was in the bathtub (fully dressed)…with water…with Snape. Just kidding, Snape was not there (close one). Ron went back to the main room and saw the chaos that ensued there. Snape was gurgling weirdly, Harry was eating more Froot Loops, and Hermione was now reading the latest edition of Potion's Digest, while nodding to the disco beat with her head (like in Night at the Roxbury).

"What is wrong, Professor?" Ron asked. Snape gasped something incomprehensible, grabbed a quill and searched for something to write on. He grabbed the diary/traveling book out of Ron's hands, opened it to a random page, and wrote the following: I know someone who dares to call herself Snow White, but she consorts not with one nor two but seven dwarves, count 'em seven! And all of them yelling Hi Hoe this and Hi Hoe that! But tell me something; Just who is high and who is da' hoe? Ps: I am loosing my voice and my socks smell! Pss: I like lima beans and I think Robert Dole is hot, but I am not gay…well, I am happy but not in the company of men… you know what I BE SAYING??!!

"Oh what is he writing?" Harry said through a mouthful of Froot loops.

"He's losing his voice," said Hermione calmly. "Honestly, don't you two read?"

"Well, I didn't exactly want to read his diary again after being transported to Ensanada," said Ron.

"UMM EAHH!" whispered Snape.

"What did he say?" said Harry. Snape wrote: You opened my diary?

"Well maybe if you do not want people to read your things you shouldn't leave them in your bathtub, just lying around for anyone to find!" said Ron.

"girgle girgke" muttered Snape.

"What?" said Harry and Ron.

"Beep you!" Snape wrote.

"Hey Professor, this is a rated G fan fic. If you keep on beepin' people, it is going to be rated PG! So…yeah!" said Harry. Snape started to pout on the floor.

"What's wrong, Professor?" asked Hermione. Snape opened his mouth to talk, but no words came out. He opened the diary yet again to find that there were no blank pages for him to write upon, so he pouted and threw the diary at the lava lamp statue. So he decided to try to act out what he was thinking to his students. The three of them just watched, thinking he had gotten completely mad.

"Uh, you want to put out a fire?" Harry wondered. Snape shook his head.

"Umm…you want to go to the beach in Brazil?" Ron guessed. Snape shook his head.

"I know... you want me to go get the nurse in order to see if she can get your voice back!"said a mysterious voice. Snape signaled yes.

"Wait a second. Who said that?" asked Hermione.

"I did! Look over here by the oven!"

The four of them looked at the oven and saw a giant piece of Hard Salami standing there wearing a beret, Calvin Klein sun glasses, and a GAP holiday sweater, along with boxers which had little pictures of Snape on them (in a weird way it was kinda cute, I guess). Snape jumped up and down with the grace a swan flying into the night sky and ran over to hug his salami, whose name was Hebrew National™. Hebrew National™ separated itself from Snape and rushed out of the room to go get Madame (mad damn) Pomfry. (She's not like a type of stir-fry, but full of useless stuff that'll probably kill you anyway.) A few minutes later, Hebrew National™ came back and said, "Madame Pomfrey's too busy to help you, darling Snape. Plus, she tried to eat me twice. I don't want to be a sandwich; I don't like mustard (that was from Chicken Run in case you're wondering). And she said that the hospital wing's full of not delicious people that need tenderizing with a mallet. I think mad damn Pomfry is cannibalistic and needs some fried chicken or anything but salami!"

"I guess the only solution is for you to become a mime, and earn money in the park," Ron said, shrugging with a smirk on his face. Snape looked as if he was about to cry, so he ran over and hugged Hebrew National™.

"I know Snape, no one loves, hell, no one liked you except for me! I will always be your best friend forever and ever and ever and maybe even a little bit after that!" said Hebrew National™.

Snape smiled and turned around looking at Ron and stuck out his tongue and made a mad face.

"Geez, I am sorry Snape!" said Ron.

"Yeah, that is not true I am sure people at least kinda like you," said Harry. Snape just looked at the floor, ready to cry again.

"HARRY!" whispered Hermione, while hitting Harry with her elbow.

"What I mean to say is…" (pause followed by a sigh) "We…like you" said Harry very quietly, looking at the floor. Snape just looked at Harry skeptically.

"Yeah, it is true, Professor, I mean we don't always show it, but…we think you're a bit cool," said Ron.

"Ron, do not lie!" yelled Hermione. "To tell the truth, Snape, we think you're a terrible person who is evil and who should probably die or something. I mean you play favorites and you hate us. Please tell me why anyone would like you if you act this way!" And with that, Snape was on the floor making "sad faces" while Hebrew National™ tried to comfort him

"We can try to give you your voice back by saying Finite Incantum," suggested Harry. Snape brightened at the prospect of regaining his voice. "But you have to swear that you will change," added Harry. "Don't take off points from Gryffindor for no reason, and don't cheat us. We want to learn, if you will be fair and teach us well."

Snape nodded eagerly. All of them drew out their wands and yelled together, "Finite Incantum!" The moment they shouted the words, Snape started to float and turned several shades of both blue and red.

"Oh no, what's happening to my beloved Snape?" asked Hebrew National™.

"It's harmless," said Hermione. "Don't worry." Snape's body became a giant polygon, which turned into a pentagon… then a hexagon… then a decagon…then a triangle… then POOF! There was a burst of green light and Snape appeared, standing next to Hebrew National™ with a stunned look on his face.

"Are you back to normal?" asked Ron. Snape sneered.

"Of course I am, you stup-"

"Uh uh uh! Remember your promise!" interrupted Harry.

"Shut up Potter!" Snape yelled as strings of greasy hair flew into his eyes as gracefully as swans in flight in the cover of a pitch black moonlit sky.

"Snape, my love, please calm yourself," said Hebrew National™. "You'll give yourself another ulcer." Snape looked at his salami darling and smiled.

"I'm so sorry, my dear Hebrew National™," he said sweetly and turned to the three Gryffindors. "I'm… I'm… s-s-sorry. We'd better see how Lavender's doing. Best not mentioning this to anyone."

"What would you give us in return?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"I will…be…n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nice to you!" said Snape.

"Snape," called Harry.

"Yes POTTER!" he said sweetly as strands of hair fluttered from behind his ears into his eyes like swans taking of from the moonlit lake in the dead of night.

"Could you tell me something?" asked Harry.

"Maybe. What is it?"

"What is Draco…I mean Malfoy so scared of?"

Snape gave a small evil grin and said, "He is really scared of four things: A.P. Calculus textbooks, Swans, blow dryers, and undercooked Sushi." All of them, including Snape and Hebrew National™, started laughing. After a minute, Snape said, "Now let's go."

"Yeah, I'd hate to be in here a moment longer," said Ron. The five of them (including Hebrew National™) walked back to Professor Snape's classroom, not expecting what they saw there. Lavender had finished her scraping of the floor and had constructed a computer out of toothpicks that was playing Age of Empires II: The Age of Kings.

"What the hell is that box thing?" Ron, Harry, and Snape asked.

"It's a device that uses electricity and is called a computer," said Hermione.

"A what?" said Snape.

" A computer! Muggle Devices chapter 38," she continued.

They all just looked at her blankly, obviously not knowing what she was talking about.

"Honestly! Don't you three read?"

The End of this Fan Fiction in which we say The End

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