by Elvish Aurora
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A/N My first challenge fic. Not that you care, I was just mentioning that to pish all of the old farts off. I think this is kind of below me, but, whatever. Try to enjoy! ;) REAR! (Read, Enjoy, And Review!)
All of the Hogwarts students and teachers (and a good number of the ghosts) were gathered in the Great Hall for dinner on the evening of April 15th. It was a very special day, although they didn't know that yet. Dumbledore stood to inform them of the day's speciality (?!), tapping his wand on the table to get there attention. That, of course, didn't work, so he stood up on the table, kicked everything out of his way to the great annoyance of the other teachers, and started to do the Hokey Pokey.
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT! HEY-HEY!" he finished with a snazzy pose. Everyone stared at him as one would imagine they would: 1) As if he was a total psycho, and 2) in stunned silence. George and Fred (teehee, I'm so original) Weasley finally started to applaud loudly, every now and then adding in a "Bravo!" or an "Encore!" or a "Take it off!".
"Baka," Snape yelled, pushing his chair backwards. Being seated where he was, he had an excellent view of Dumbledore's performance from behind. In fact, since Dumbledore was kneeling on the table, Snape was about two centimeters away from the bottom of his boot; not a very good place to be.
"Oh, sure thing," Professor Trelawney whispered, pushing him the plate of Baka Burgers*. Snape arched his eyebrow at her, but she didn't seem to notice. In fact, the entire Hogwartsian population must have gone momentarily deaf, for no one seemed to have noticed his outburst. This, my friends, is known as a plot hole. Deal with it, dashnammit. Oh yeah... the fic. *cough* Sorry.
Dubledore finally stood, brushed himself off, and began to speak.
"I would like to announce-" here his tone turned a bit drunken "-that today is my eleventy first birthday!"
Again everyone blinked. Obviously they don't keep up with Muggle fantasy novels. Dumbledore coughed.
"All right... nevermind then. Today IS my birthday, if not my eleventy-first. As a matter of fact, I celebrated that anniversary years ago! One could say I'm growing old!" Here he chuckled, and a paper airplane flew across the room and bounced off Gregory Goyle's head. Again Dumbledore coughed. His speeches just aren't what they used to be.
"Well... what are we waiting for? Let's bring on the celebration!" he exclaimed. Finally his speech got an audible response. The students cheered, and after a few moments Dumbledore did the chicken dance (at first he was joined by the Weasley twins, but a glare from McGonagall brought them down from the table) to regain everyone's attention.
"Now, where is my cake?" he asked, familiar twinkle in his eye.
"Ri' here, professor!" Hagrid burst in, wearing a frilly apron, a chef's hat, and lacy oven mitts, and carrying a huge cake. He placed it in front of Dumbledore, who had finally returned to his seat.
"Oh what lovely frosting! It says, 'Best Wishes for a Happy Birthday... Mrs. Dumbledore?" he read, puzzled.
"Eh?" Hagrid looked at the cake, then laughed. "That ain't no 's', Professor, that's jes a hair from me beard! Been sheddin lately, yeh see." With that he picked the long black hair out of the frosting, much to the disgust of the onlookers. Dumbledore smiled weakly.
"So... Hagrid.. did you, by any chance, bake this lovely cake?" he asked nervously.
"Nope! Professor Sprout did, I jes picked it up from the kitchens."
Dumbledore (and all who had suffered the perils of Hagrid's cooking) sighed with relief.
"Well, thank you both!" he... thanked them... thankfully. "All right, let's get this show on the road!"
And he started to cut the cake. There was plenty for everybody, as the cake kept restoring itself when a piece was taken from it, although some students turned their noses up at the cake because of the hair incident. Halfway through the celebration, Fred Weasley gave Angelina a faceful of chocolate cake, and a furious food fight commenced. A bit of frosting smeared across Draco Malfoy's face.
"Why you son of a--" Before he could finish, the attacker hurled a good-sized piece at him and it splattered all over his face. "THAT'S IT!" he shouted, and joined in.
Back at the Gryffindor table, Ron noticed Hermione sitting with her arms crossed, scowling. He threw some food at her, but she ducked and proceeded to glare at him.
"You look ridiculous," she commented disapprovingly as some ice cream slid off the side of his face and plopped onto his robes. "You DO realize what you're doing, right?"
"Sure!" he answered. He paused to dodge a ball of mashed potatoes, stick his tongue out at the person who missed, and recieve a mouthful of pudding in return. Spitting it out, he continued, "I'm chucking globs of food at people for no apparent reason because my brother decided to be an idiot as usual! Join in, Hermione!"
She rolled her eyes. "What you're DOING, is making a HUGE mess that the poor house elves will have to clean up later, as well as do all of their normal chores, without getting paid!"
"Oh, bugger the house elves," replied Ron. Hermione huffed.
"I have to go study," she announced, and stormed out of the Great Hall. Ron looked after her for a moment, and paid for his moment dearly a moment later when a chicken wing knocked off his hat.
When everyone had finally calmed down, Dumbledore stood again.
"My other announcement before you go off to bed, or off to a shower before going off to bed, has to do with Miss Granger, who seems to have left the fi--- the feast early," He smiled and a piece of pie dropped off of his hat and fell onto the table. McGonagall rolled her eyes. "Hogwarts is starting a school newspaper, and Miss Granger is the editor. Anyone interested in joining the newspaper staff should consult her."
"Wait... Who's Miss Granger?" questioned a Hufflepuff first year.
"Oh, she's a Gryffindor prefect with hair the size of Jupiter, you can't miss her," drawled Draco Malfoy. The other Slytherins started chuckling stupidly, when suddenly a huge bowl of punch flew in their direction and splashed all over them. Draco was drenched from head to foot.
"POTTER!" he shouted over the giggles of other students, whipping his sopping wet hair out of his eyes in fury. "Professor, did you see what he DID to me?!" he cried, stomping his foot in fury. Dumbledore grinned.
"That will be all. You are dismissed."
"BAKA!" screamed Draco, and immediately a Baka burger* was flung at his face. Students filing out of the hall chortled (and some guffawed!) at him. Finally everyone was gone, and the house elves were left to happily clean up after the fiesta.
"Harry! Harry, smile!"
Harry groaned and reached for his glasses. He knew that voice, and he didn't like it, especially at six o'clock in the morning. Before he could turn away, a camera clicked.
"Colin... what do you want?" he asked groggily.
"Pictures of you!" answered Colin cheerfully. "I'm the newspaper's photographer!" Harry gritted his teeth. He would have to talk to Hermione about hiring Colin. What had he done to deserve this torture?
"Yeah well... You HAVE pictures of me... Only about three hundred of them," Harry pointed out. But this didn't move Colin at all. All day he followed Harry. It was a great effort just getting enough privacy to go to the bathroom. Pictures of Harry at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Pictures of Harry going into his classes. Pictures of Harry in class. Pictures of Harry's professors as they yelled at Colin to stop disturbing their classes. Pictures of Harry coming out of classrooms. Pictures of Harry doing his homework, talking with his friends, brushing his teeth, making rude gestures at Colin, and finally, a picture of the wall before the camera was smashed against it by Dean.
"Thank... you... so... much!" Harry sighed. Colin, teary-eyed, ran to his camera and picked it up tenderly. After a few moments of fiddling with it, he pulled something out.
"Oh good! I've got the film!" he said, grinning widely. Harry bit his lip.
"Goody," he managed to say. Colin then retreated to work on his article.
It was the night before the newspaper was to be sent out to the Hogwarts population, and everything was almost finished. Hermione was sitting in a chair near the wall, working on the finishing touches. Crookshanks was sitting on her desk.
"Oh bother!" she exclaimed. Ron looked up from his chess game.
Hermione sighed. "There's nothing to put in the obituaries!" she complained, exasperated. Ron and Harry exchanged "she's insane" looks.
"We could murder Draco Malfoy for you, if you really want to list something," Harry suggested grumpily as Ron's knight knocked over his bishop.
"Oh Harry, that's terrible! Well... Not really, but I don't want you to get in trouble," said Hermione. Suddenly Ron got a maniac glint in his eye.
"Hey Hermione," he started, "I've got an idea."
She looked expectantly at him as he put his hand in his pocket. As quick as lightning, he whipped out a pistol and shot Crookshanks. The common room went quiet and stared at the dead cat. Ron blew the smoke from the tip of his gun, spun it on his finger, and put it away. Hermione blinked in shock.
"You.. You killed my kitty..." she finally choked. Suddenly Neville jumped up from his seat. In a scratchy, high-pitched American accent, he accused,
"Oh my GOD! You bastards! You killed Crookshanks!" Now everyone was staring at him. He blushed.
"Sorry," he muttered, sitting back down. "Sorry... just the potions homework... makes me a little loopy..." The staring continued until he scampered off into the dorm. Attention then turned back to the murder scene. Hermione's mouth was still wide open, as it had been ever since her last statement. Ron broke the silence.
"Well," he said lightly, as if talking about Quidditch, "You've got your obituary."
With that, he and Harry continued their chess game, and everyone went on with whatever they were doing before, although it took Hermione a while to recover.
Much later that night, Hermione went downstairs into the common room, where Ron was still doing his homework.
"Ron," she said softly from behind him, "I was so depressed when Crookshanks died, I... I started to cut..."
At this Ron spun around, wide-eyed. He ran over to Hermione and started blabbering apologetically.
"Oh Hermione, I am so sorry, I didn't know you were so attached to the cat, I shouldn't have done that, I have anger problems, maybe I should go see the counselor or something soon but Hermione I never meant for this to happen and I--"
"Does it REALLY look that bad?" she asked, worried look on her face.
"Huh?" Ron stepped back and looked at Hermione. Her hair had been cut a few inches, and it was angled towards her chin. It also looked a lot less bushy. "You... you cut your hair!" he observed.
"Of course I did! That's what I was trying to tell you! Do you like it? Cause if you don't, I'll just use some hair-growing potion..."
"Oh no! No, it's fine, I like it! Did Parvati cut it?" he asked, relieved.
"Yes, she did, she felt bad for me, so she did me the favor," Hermione explained.
"Oh," Ron shifted uncomfortably, "Umm, about Crookshanks..."
Hermione laughed and Ron's eyes widened.
"Oh, nevermind that," she said dismissively. "I never really liked the little bastard anyway. Always mewing for stuff and distracting me when I was trying to study... I swear, it'll take a million scouring charms to get rid of all the confounded cat hair!" She laughed hysterically at the bewildered look that Ron was giving her.
"But... you seemed so... protective of him... and stuff..." he protested. He was a bit baffled; The one time he'd bothered to give a proper apology, no one cared about what he was sorry for!
"Yeah... I just acted that way around you. You've got a fun mind to mess with," she explained. She smirked, ruffled his hair as if he were a six-year old, and sashayed back to her dorm, Ron mouthing wordlessly after her.
The next day, newspapers went on sale in the Great Hall for two Knuts. Pretty much everyone purchased a copy, and those who didn't borrowed another person's.
On the front page, the headline read "FURIOUS BATTLE BREAKS OUT AT PROFESSOR'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION". The newspaper also included something about SPEW, Quidditch updates, weather forecasts, class schedules, House points, and every now and then some comic relief from the Weasley twins and Lee Jordan, even though Hermione had had to take out half of their jokes so as not to offend anybody too much.
Draco Malfoy had a laughing fit when he turned to the second page. The entire page was filled with pictures of Harry, or rather, Harry running out of the picture as soon as someone looked at him. The third page was also almost covered with Harry photos, and in the bottom right corner, there was a tiny article:
"This page is dedicated to Harry Potter cause he ROCKS! He is so cool cause he defeated the Dark Lord and he's really nice. I'm his best friend! ~BY COLIN CREEVEY, FOURTH YEAR STUDENT"
The little bit of color that inhabited Draco's cheeks disappeared when he read the next sentence:
"P.S. I think something's going on between him and Draco!"
And just as Draco was about to blow his top, words appeared below the post script:
Needless to say, Colin had to be locked in an empty classroom with guards at the door so that the two boys could not curse him (or forget all wandwork and beat him up) for his two pages.
Professor Trelawney's horoscopes were also very popular. Lavender Brown read hers out loud with glee:
"When is the last time you spent a day caring for yourself, dear Libra? Given your nurturing and active nature, it's probably been a while. Even if you have to work today, you can still give yourself the caring you deserve by working at a comfortable pace, taking breaks you have coming, going out for a nice lunch and planning something really great for your evening. If you put your mind to it, you can be good to yourself all of the time."
"Oh my God, Lavender, she's right! You HAVEN'T been thinking about yourself lately! Maybe we should go to Hogsmeade today and treat ourselves to like, stuff!" Parvati squealed. She always squealed when dealing with Divination. Harry glanced at his own horoscope.
"LEO (July 23rd-August 22nd): My dear Leo... I'm afraid you shall die."
At this Harry burst out laughing. Ron read over his shoulder to find out what was so funny, and in a moment both of them were spazzing out in their chairs. Hermione had one of those hilarious "I'm-trying-so-hard-not-to-laugh-my-face-is-about-to-explode" looks on her face.
"I knew you two would love that," she said.
Suddenly they heard a noise and the world blew up. The evil Lydia from planet Psychopathtopia cackled evilly. SOON SHE WOULD DESTROY THEM ALL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Baka Burgers are not composed of real idiots, they just happen to be called Baka Burgers. Elvish Aurora does not promote cannibolism in her fanfiction. Thank you.
A/N Uh yeah... I couldn't think of a better ending. I was kind of getting tired of the fic anyway. :) Now if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do. *bows and leaves*
Further A/N Oh yah... I do not have any intention of destroying the universe. It just... sounds like fun. Yeah. Okay. Uh... ciao!