Gilderoy Lockhart nearly choked on his morning slice of blueberry bunt cake when he heard a loud knock at his front door. "Darn toaster accident!" he muttered, getting up with the aid of a crutch. The accident had injured his left leg horribly, and left him with a horrid fear of burnt toast, chrome, and orange marmalade.

As he made his way to the door, Gilderoy wondered who it could be. Since the recent loss of his memory, he had failed to recognize both his mother and his father's uncle's second cousin's wife's sister. He hoped not to make such embarrassing mistakes again.

Throwing the door open, Lockhart was confronted with a completely unfamiliar woman. She was blond, slim, and clad in an outfit fashioned entirely out of lavender Saran Wrap.

"GILDY!" said the woman. "I can't tell you how happy I am to see you!"

"Um, hello." said Gilderoy. "What can I do for you?"

"Dear, I HEARD about that HORRIBLE accident- with your memory-" she stopped suddenly. "Gildy- don't- don't tell me you don't remember me..."

"I'm so sorry, miss-" stammered Lockhart, trying not to stare at her semi-transparent garb. "I really cannot place you at all. But if I may be so gallant... I do like your dress."

Tears filled the woman's eyes. "This one was always your favorite!" she sobbed.

"There, there," said Lockhart, moving to pat her shoulder. Instead the woman intercepted him in a close embrace.

"Um, wait!" said Gilderoy. "I don't even know you..."

"Ani rotzah ha'oznayim shelo, Gildy." she whispered provocatively into his ear.

"Wait! I've got it! Are you my rabbi?" said Gilderoy.

"No, silly!" she said, her Saran Wrap clothing crinkling. "My name is Veronica. Don't you remember? And you, Gildy- YOU are my personal love slave!"

With that, she kissed him passionately.

[the rest has been censored for the sake of everyone's mental health]

And they lived happily ever after.

THE END (or is it?)