A Day at the Lake
by American Hermione
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A/N: I think this is my craziest thus far! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: None of J.K. Rowling's ideas are mine, and neither are Philip Pullman's. I'm not in it for the money, I'm in it for the insanity!
Hermione Granger stood at the shore of the Hogwarts lake, frowning at the water as if it had offended her. She fiddled uncertainly with the straps of her black one-piece.
She thought that this was the craziest idea for a class yet. Swimming? And in the Hogwarts lake? It was absolutely insane. Maybe not as insane as the line dancing class, which had taught every student the Hokey-Pokey, but it was a very close second.
Throngs of students clad in swimwear jumped and splashed in the water, and a few teachers sat on the shore, lifeguarding. Dumbledore seemed to be enjoying his job the most, watching the water while clad in neon yellow Hawaiian-print robes and an immense straw hat.
Suddenly, a voice called from the water.
"Hermione!" yelled Ron. "Aren't you going to swim at all?"
"No," said Hermione firmly.
"Suit yourself!" said Ron. "I'll just have to feed these Krum figurines to the giant squid alllll by myself..."
"Shut UP, Ron, you are such an idiot!" said an incensed Hermione.
Although Victor Krum had not been at Hogwarts for over a year now, Ron still made jokes about him and Hermione. It annoyed her to no end.
Harry's head suddenly popped up from the depths of the lake, his face a deep red.
"Um, does anyone know what 'Sqack Squeeck Ick Ourk mock' means?" he stuttered, grinning foolishly.
"That sounds like Merman, Harry!" said Hermione. "Let me check my Merman-English dictionary..." She rummaged in her bag.
"Dear God, woman, you have a bloody book for everything!" muttered Ron. Hermione gave him a practiced glare that promptly shut him up.
Meanwhile, unnoticed by either Ron or Hermione, a ravishing mermaid surfaced, smiled, and pulled a grinning Harry back into the water.
"All right... here it is..." said Hermione. "Does this tail make my butt look big?"
"You haven't even GOT a tail!" said Ron.
"No, Ron, that's the TRANSLATION! Honestly!" Hermione looked around for Harry. "Harry? Harry?" He was nowhere in sight. "Oh well."
"WHY won't you go swimming?" said Ron.
"Because I don't WANT to!" shouted Hermione.
Suddenly a lanky boy appeared just next to Hermione, as if stepping out of a hole in the air. He surveyed the scene with a very intense gaze, a splendidly shining knife in his hand.
Hermione gasped and stood, staring, unseen by the boy. Only she and Ron could see the stranger.
"Lyra- Lyra- look at this..." the boy said.
Then a young girl appeared behind him, blond locks surrounding a determined face. A brown moth fluttered nervously around her head.
"Look at that, Pan!" she said, addressing the moth. "Another world... it looks a lovely one. Shall we go into this one, Will?" she said, turning to the boy.
"I don't think so... too many people in it." said the boy. "Let's keep looking."
With that, he grasped the edges of the hole in the air and closed it up, vanishing from sight.
Hermione and Ron looked at each other in shock.
"What the bloody hell was THAT?" said Ron.
"Perhaps they... apparated?" said Hermione, for once sounding unsure.
Then a loud commotion interrupted their confusion.
"NEVILLE ATE A FISH!" shouted Seamus Finnagan at the top of his lungs.
"Whaa-?" said Ron.
Seamus waded over, talking a mile a minute.
"We played truth or dare, and we said he'd either have to tell Snape the truth about his copied potions homework or eat a live fish! And he ate the fish!"
Neville appeared, scales surrounding his mouth, looking sickly.
"Eww!" said Hermione, regarding the scales.
Ron, recognizing a moment of weakness in Hermione, pointed his wand at her and shouted, "VESTI SCANTUM!"
And Hermione's black tank turned into a silvery string bikini.
Hermione screamed in shock, trying to cover herself up. Then she saw Ron, his eyes wide and his jaw agape. He was obviously the guilty party.
"Hermione..." Ron said. "You're... you're..."
"GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!" Hermione said, brandishing a copy of "Hogwarts, A History" and rushing into the water.
"HERM-!!! OW!" screamed Ron as he was bashed by the book.
"SERVES YOU RIGHT!" she screamed back, dunking him.
"Miss Granger...?" said a familiar voice behind them.
Hermione froze, stood up, and slowly turned.
"Y-Yes, Professor Snape?" she said.
"I'm afraid this means detention... for both of you." Snape growled. "Out of the lake at once!"
They complied, and stepped onto the shore. Snape looked taken aback at Hermione's bikini, and stared in spite of himself. Ron looked ready to strangle him.
Hermione grabbed her wand and pointed it at herself. "Vesti decencum." she said, and her bikini turned back into her black one-piece.
"You're going to pay for this!" she hissed to Ron.
"Am I?" whispered Ron, smirking. "You could be on the centerfold of Playwizard magazine..."
Hermione looked ready to kill. "YOU-"
Snape interrupted them. "Come with me; we will make arrangements for your detention."
And Ron and Hermione followed, thoughts of cruel revenge in the one's head, and thoughts of Hermione in the other's.