-- And we realize that the TICKING is coming from an
old-style alarm clock, the kind a kid has in his bedroom. A little green glow-in-the-dark luminescence
comes off the hands. It's five
A.M. Dorian, 12 years old, lies awake
in bed, looking apprehensive. A hamster
in a cage RUNS on a tiny wheel.
6
INT.
IRIS'S FLAT – NIGHT
Dorian sits in various spots in the flat as the sun
comes up.
7
INT.
DORIAN'S BEDROOM – MORNING
Dorian lies in bed, fully dressed. Finally...
BRRIIIINNNGGG. The alarm clock rings.
8
EXT.
IRIS'S HOUSE – MORNING
IRIS, 21, and her son DORIAN, 12, exit their flat
and walk along at a brisk pace. (NOTE: Iris's window has placards/stickers from
Greenpeace, Labour and SPAT in it)
DORIAN
(pause)
Mum, did you always know I was
going to be a vegetarian?
IRIS
(laughs)
Of course I did. I didn't decide
on the spur of the moment just
because we'd run out of sausages.
She tightens his woolly scarf.
DORIAN
Did you ask me? If I wanted to be
a vegetarian?
IRIS
You mean when you were born? No. I
do the cooking, and I don't want to
cook meat, so you have to eat what
I eat.
DORIAN
But you don't let me go to
McDonald's either.
IRIS
Is this premature teenage
rebellion? I can't stop you going
to McDonald's. I'd just be
disappointed if you did.
DORIAN (V.O)
Mum was disappointed about a lot of
things. At least that's how it
seemed lately.
(out loud)
So... did Roger and you split up
because he liked McDonald's?
IRIS
Of course not. Are you being
funny?
DORIAN (V.O.)
It
was weird. Mum had known me my
whole life, so she must have known
I was never funny. Not on purpose
anyway.
It seemed like a
sensible question.
We open tight on one of those odd trivia QUESTIONS
that they put on the back of cereal boxes as a fun-and-games thing for kids,
like, "When did Vasco De Gama cross the equator?" The V.O. continues as wee see Dorian
intently staring at the cereal box as we hear HUSHED MUTTERING in the
background.
ROGER, 25 or so, rumbled and unshaven, walks out of
the KITCHEN (we'll come to learn it's the kitchen of Dorian and Iris's house)
into the dining room, and looks at Dorian.
DORIAN (V.O.)
Mum and Roger had a big row, then
they'd gone off into the kitchen to
talk quietly. Then Roger came out.
Roger stands in front of Dorian, looking at him. He HOLDS OUT HIS HAND TO SHAKE. Dorian looks at him, takes his hand, and shakes it.
Roger heads out, stops, looks back at Dorian, shakes
his head, and leaves.
10
EXT.
CRUNKSVILLE STREET – DAY
We pick up Iris and Dorian's walk and their
conversation.
DORIAN
Then why did you split up with
Roger? Did he have another
girlfriend?
IRIS
I don't think so.
DORIAN
Do you have another boyfriend?
IRIS
(laughs)
Don't you think you would know? Who
would I be seeing, the milk man?
DORIAN
(seriously)
No. He's too young.
IRIS
No, Dori.
I haven't got another
boyfriend. That's not how it
works.
Not when you're a twenty-
one-year-old working mother in a
youth-obsessed, anorexic, soulless
culture.
Dorian looks up.
DORIAN
Don't worry, Mum. I won't go to
McDonalds.
Hunter's CAR drives past them. They walk on.
11
EXT.
SCHOOL – DAY
Dorian and Iris come to a stop outside Dorian's new
school. Big metal fences surround a truly grim Victorian pile. The rest of the
school is arriving for the morning. Some COOL-LOOKING KIDS are taking their
ease outside. Dorian looks up at the
other kids, scared.
IRIS
Well... here we are.
DORIAN
(looking around)
You know, you don't have to walk me
to school anymore, Mum. I know the
way now.
IRIS
What if I like walking you to
school?
She tightens his scarf again.
IRIS (CONT'D)
(looks him in the eye)
Right.
Who are you?
DORIAN
I'm me.
IRIS
What are you not?
DORIAN
A sheep.
IRIS
Right.
And what does a sheep go?
DORIAN AND IRIS
(together)
BAAA.
Iris smiles, starts straightening Dorian's tie. We see that the COOL KIDS are observing him.
Iris leans over and kisses Dorian goodbye. Dorian closes his eyes and lets it happen,
taking pains not to wriggle away. But
that's not enough for Iris... she HUGS HIM TIGHTLY, as though he were going
away for a year.
Dorian walks towards school, through some kids.
IRIS
(calls out)
Dorian –
(from the bottom of her
soul)
I love you.
The COOL KIDS see everything...
DORIAN
(quietly)
I love you too...
Iris heads off and Dorian turns and heads into
school, past a few COOL KIDS, who SNIGGER as he passes and call after him in
fake MUM VOICES – "I love love love you!", "Take good care,
sweetie!", "Don't wet your pants!", etc. Dorian pretends to ignore them, but we can
see the FEAR register on his face as he goes inside, past ELLIE, a punky girl
with her own little clique, who pays him no attention.
12
EXT.
TRENDY RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Hunter walks down the street towards a trendy
restaurant.
HUNTER (V.O.)
While I couldn't accept Hyde
and Ads's disturbing offer to
become their child's godfather, I
did allow them to set me up with
Chloe, a rather beautiful friend
of Hyde's. But cruelly,
nastily, Hyde neglected to
tell me one thing.
Hunter sits across the table from Chloe, a beautiful
eighteen year old.
CHLOE
There's something you don't know
about me.
HUNTER
(suggestively)
Something exciting?
CHLOE
Well, I think so, yes.
(pause)
I have a three year old boy.
HUNTER
(V.O.)
I wanted to throw the napkin on the
floor, push over the table and run.
(casually)
No problem. I love children.
Chloe smiles, surprised.
HUNTER (CONT'D)
I like playing around with them.
Doing kid things. I would have
been disappointed if you didn't
have a child.
CHLOE
Why do you say that?
HUNTER
(V.O)
Eru knows. Mostly because it
sounded smooth and winning.
(aloud)
Because I love kids so much.
They're so... lovely.
(V.O.)
What are you saying, you
idiot. She can't be buying this
rubbish.
14
EXT.
ZOO – DAY
Chloe looks on happily –
HUNTER (V.O.)
But she did buy my rubbish. For
the next few weeks I was Hunter the
Good Guy.
Chloe's kid took to me
right away.
We can hear the SCREAMING laughter of a child – and
we pan to reveal –
HUNTER, HOLDING BENJI, 3, UPSIDE DOWN BY HIS ANKLES.
HUNTER (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Mostly because on our first meeting
I took him to the zoo and held him
upside-down by his ankles. I wish
relationships with proper human
beings were that easy.
CHLOE
(laughing)
Hunter, you are brilliant.
HUNTER (V.O.)
And I came to realize that with
single mums...
Angie walks out of frame and into –
15
INT.
CHLOE'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Chloe's living room, which is in dark and sensual
mode. Chloe refreshes Hunter's glass of wine.
HUNTER (V.O.)
Particularly the ones who'd been
messed about quite badly and
eventually abandoned by the father
of their children, you became, by
comparison, well – wonderful.
Hunter, you're a wonderful person.
HUNTER
Oh. Well... thank you.
Chloe LUNGES for him, knocking the glass of wine out
of his hands as she kisses him passionately...
HUNTER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And the thing was, I didn't just
seem like a better person, I seemed
like a better lover. Not because
of my extraordinary technique, but
because her only other male company
was a three year old.
16
INT.
OUTSIDE CHLOE'S BEDROOM – NIGHT
OVER A SHOT OF CHLOE'S BEDROOM DOOR we HEAR:
CHLOE
Hunter, you're – Hunter – Hunter
–
HUNTER!
HUNTER
(freaked, trying to shush
her)
Chloe – the – kid – will –
hear!
17
INT.
INSIDE CHLOE'S BEDROOM – TIGHT ON CORNER OF BED
We see a smiley PLUSH TOY bouncing up and down on
the edge of Chloe's bed.