BRAVEHEART

by Randall Wallace
parodied by M. Avery

FADE IN:

EXT. the CRUNKSVILLEAN countryside – day

Epic beauty: Cobalt mountains beneath a glowering purple sky 
fringed with pink, as if the clouds were a lid too small for the 
earth; a cascading landscape of boulders shrouded in deep green 
grass; and the blue lakes, reflecting the sky. We hear a voice...
 
VOICE OVER
I will tell you of Asher Boyd.
 
EXT. BLOOM house – day
A large house lies nestled in a quiet neighbourhood. Skipping 
down the roads that lead in from opposite sides are 
Crunksvillean psychotics. Behind each one walks one
of their kids.
 
VOICE OVER (cont'd)
Historian Ferrets from Raejaeville will 
tell you I am a liar. But history is
written by those who have hanged heros.
 
Another psycho walks in from the opposite side. Two more appear
down the road.
 
VOICE
The Queen of Crunksville had died, and

the Queen of Raejaeville, a moronic
eleven-year-old known as Raejae, claimed
the throne for herself. Crunksville's
psychos fought her, and fought each 
other, over the crown. So Raejae invited
them to talks of truce. No weapons, one
psycho descendant only.
 
The psychos eye each other cautiously, but the truce holds. They
enter the house with their kids.
 
EXT. BOYD house – day
 
In a nearby neighbourhood are the house and outbuildings of a 
well-run recording studio. The owner, BILLY BOYD, and his 
nineteen-year-old daughter CHARLIE, are walking away from
the property. They hear footsteps behind them and turn to
see a boy running after them.
 
VOICE
Among the crazies of that area was
Billy Boyd, an actor, with his own
property and two kids living at home:
Charlie…
 
We see CHARLIE BOYD, the nineteen-year-old standing arms 
crossed beside her father…
 
VOICE
…and Asher.
 
Asher, a skinny eight-year-old running barefoot, catches 
up to his father and older sister.
 
BILLY
I told ya tae stay.
 
ASHER
I finished my chores. Where we goin'?
 
BILLY
Orli's. He was supposed tae visit when
the truce was over.
 
They cross the street. 
 
EXT. BLOOM house – day
The place looks deserted. ON THE FRONT SIDEWALK we see the
three Boyds, looking at the house. 
 
BILLY
Stay here. 
 
He means Asher. Billy and Charlie walk forward and knock on
the door.
 
BILLY
Orlando?
…Orlando?!
 
Billy pulls out a knife, Charlie a gun…
 
INT. the GARAGE - day
 
POV from within as the door opens and a widening block of 
shadows illuminates the dusty shadows. Billy and Charlie 
step in and are shocked to see… 
 
POV THE BOYDS
 
Hanging from the ceiling of the garage are thirty Crunksvillean
psychos and thirty of their children, faces purple and 
contorted from the strangulation hanging, tongues protruding. 

Billy slams the knife into the doorframe in useless anger.

Charlie keeps the gun close as she follows her father

through the hanging bodies of civilians to the back row

to see one man in a striped shirt…

BILLY

Orlando.

A SHUFFLE; Charlie spins; Asher has entered the back door.

CHARLIE
Asher! Get out of here!

ASHER
Why would Orlando make so many scarecrows?

Before his father and sister can think of anything to say, 
Asher, with a boy’s curiosity, touches the foot of the 
hanged psycho we first saw riding in. It’s too solid; he
takes a real look at the face, and suddenly--
 
ASHER
R-real! Ahhhh!
 
He turns to run, but knocks back into the feet of 
the hanged man behind him. In blind panic he darts
in another direction, and runs into another corpse, 
and another; the hanged men begin to swing, making 
it harder for Asher’s father and older sister to 
fight their way to him.
 
BILLY
Asher! Asher!
 
Then, worst of all, Asher sees the kids, boys and 
girls like himself, hanged in a row behind their
parents.
 
Finally his father and sister reach Asher and hug
him tight. There in the barn, among the swinging
bodies of the hanged people, Billy Boyd hugs his
children. 
 
BILLY
Murderin' Raejaevillian bastards.