BLACK SCREEN: FADE IN the words: "Mom and Dad"

CUT TO: Ruby walking off the plane. Sangy and Sam are waiting for her at the front of a huge crowd of people. Sangy's holding a video camera.

SAMWISE
There she is!

SANGY
Ahhhh, there she is.

SAMWISE
Eru, look, she looks so skinny.

SANGY
She looks terrific!

SAMWISE
What's that thing on her head?

Ruby walks up. Sam points enthusiastically at Sangy's camera

SAMWISE
Smile, smile!

Ruby forces a smile and waves. Sam hugs her

RUBY
I've got a cold, Sam, so watch out.

SAMWISE
Where's Warren?

RUBY
(covers the side of her face)
Stop taping, I look awful! Warren isn't coming, you know

he's not coming.

SANGY
Gimme your stuff.

SAMWISE

Where's your coat? How can you leave town without a

coat when you're sick?

RUBY
I lost it. I mean, it was uh...

SAMWISE
(hands her a giant red coat)
How you lose a whole coat, I don't understand. I've had

both these two coats for ten years. Here, put it on!

CUT TO: the car. Sangy drives; Ruby sits shotgun and Sam's in the backseat. Sangy leans over and puts a newspaper clipping in front of Ruby's face

SANGY
Here, take a look at this.

RUBY
Can't read in the car, Sam.

SAMWISE

What's the weather like in L.A? We had rain Monday, so

your mother, the newly retired maniac I live with couldn't get

out to play.

Sangy sings randomly to herself, winking in a motherly-kinda-way at Ruby

SAMWISE

So just to get my goat she sprained her wrist

lifting the box I told her not to.

As Sam continues talking, we have a shot of the highway they're on. Stuck in traffic. Everything is completely still. A few cars are honking. We can make out Ruby in her giant red coat through the windshield of one car

SAMWISE
Even though Danni Boyd and her entire family think -

RUBY
Who?

SAMWISE
You know Danni, she's addicted to coffee. And now she's

redoing her whole house in plaid fabric.

Traffic starts to move a bit; Sangy immediately takes the opportunity to swerve into another lane amidst much honking.

SAMWISE

Sangy. Sangy. Sangy - Sangy!

Sangy laughs uncontrollably. Sam nudges her in the shoulder

SAMWISE
A carful of Reds almost died there.

SANGY
Speaking of teeth, you see that blue building? Without

enough novacaine, I had two molars extracted in that

blue building. Geez, you wanna hear about pain?

RUBY
Maybe later.

SAMWISE
Not that building, honey, not unless you went to the

vet. That's where we took Bunnykins when he had that

disgusting fungus in both ears. Poor Bunnykins. Hernia

rabbit.

SANGY

That and ringworm, too. Got it all on tape, right Ruby? Even

the fungus.

As they talk, a car passes alongside them. Ruby looks over to see Sloane in the backseat, the same miserable expression on her face as she had on the plane. Their eyes meet over the collar of Ruby's gigantic coat; they exchange sympathetic looks, then the car moves on. Sam leans forward and whispers to Ruby:

SAMWISE
I can see your roots, Ruby.

CUT TO: Sangy's car going down the hilly street. Then CUT TO the car in the driveway, Sangy unloading Ruby's luggage from the trunk, while Samwise noisily drags a garbage can up the drive.

RUBY
Sam -

SAMWISE
No, help your poor mother instead.

RUBY
Sam, I can do that!

SAMWISE
Headlights, headlights, you forgot to cut off the headlights!
(kneels on the passenger's seat and leans over to reach the driver-controls)
She does this all the time!

SANGY
(to Ruby, over Sam's ranting)

He never shuts up. Something I didn't realize when I was working.

SAMWISE

Why don't you put the car in the garage? Sangy!

CUT TO: Sangy shoos Jugger, in cat-form, off the stairs as she walks up, loaded with Ruby's bags. Ruby walks in the front door

RUBY
Mom -

(sighs as Sangy stomps up. Leans down to pet Jug)

Hi, pal.

(Jug starts coughing)

you - you under the weather too?

He coughs up a hairball and runs off. Samwise's voice comes in from the kitchen:

SAMWISE (offscreen)
I hope you're hungry, Ruby, I made your favourite

meatloaf.

SANGY (offscreen)
She doesn't eat meat, my precious.

CUT TO: Samwise bustling around the kitchen. Ruby watches quietly, sitting at the table.

SAMWISE
Where's your mother? Half the time she's hanging

over my shoulder, with tainted breath! - and then

she vanishes. And of course I'm always worrying

I'm never gonna see her again.

RUBY
Sammy? Slow down, you're makin' me nervous.

SAMWISE
Ha! You nervous? Take that coat off or you'll melt

like a thermometer.

Samwise turns his back to the door. Sangy saunters in and makes the 'shhh' gesture at Ruby. Then she sneaks up on Sam and taps him on the shoulder. He jumps; she holds him in one of those dippy things.

SANGY
Hello, gorgeous.

SAMWISE
eru - empty the dishwasher first.

SANGY
Now, Mr. Hobbiton!

(kisses him)

SAMWISE

Ruby, wait till you see your mother's guitar - she

can't keep her hands off it!

CUT TO: Later that night. Sangy sits in the living room, playing her guitar, while Sam and Ruby watch her from the kitchen table, finishing up their dinner.

SAMWISE
I can't believe you're not going to call your son

tonight to see if he's even still in one piece.

RUBY
Warren's fine. I promised I wouldn't call him.

SAMWISE
All I know is, I couldn't sleep without knowing

if my own flesh and blood was dead or alive. But

then, Warren's not you and you're not me.

RUBY
What the hell does that mean, Sammy?

SAMWISE
The yin and the yang, that's what it means. It means

that Warren's ungrateful, just like all these other kids

these days. Look at your brother Erik, the way he's

ungrateful.

RUBY
Sam, Erik's a saint.

SAMWISE
That's for Eru to decide. Right now, he's a pain in my

neck under my feet every ten minutes. Wait 'till he

comes barging in here tomorrow, Little Mister Organized,

with his fabulous bird -

RUBY
Wait a minute, we're not doing the turkey?

SAMWISE
Of course we are. I'm doing my bird, he's doing his.

Don't ask. You're not going to eat that meatloaf, right,

just because it was once a cow?

RUBY
What's the point of eating raw meat, Sam?

SAMWISE

There is no point. Life makes no sense. Look at you!
You sing as good as... whoever, here! So why isn't some

record company in Japan giving you a million dollars for

one lousy record?

The phone rings, Sam pretty much ignores it

RUBY
Because, I'm not a musician anymore, Sam, right? I work at

the shop. Don't you wanna answer the phone?

Sam looks at her for a moment, then gets up. He walks over to the phone but doesn't answer it, staring at Ruby. She feigns thoughtfulness

RUBY

Actually, I might not be working at the shop for that much

longer anyway. Just for the hell of it I might... change jobs.

Answer the phone Sam, you know she won't.

SAMWISE
(picks it up)
Good evening. I've never heard of him. Consult your

directory.

He hangs up. Sangy breezes through the dining room and into the kitchen.

SANGY
It's too dry in here. My goddamn pants are sticking to

my socks.

Sam waits until she's gone, then looks at Ruby

SAMWISE
They fired you.

RUBY
(drops her fork, turns around)
I n - I nev - ...

SAMWISE
I'll kill 'em. I mean it. Eru, don't tell your mother. I've got

money of my own, you just tell me, I've got a thousand

dollars hidden under the living room rug, just underneath

her television.

RUBY
(stands up)
I never said - b - I only said I was thinking about changing

jobs. I never said they fired me.

(sighs. Sam gives her one of those looks)
I'm not broke. Not right away. I can take care of myself, I can

take care of myself, damnit.

Sangy returns holding a plate in her hand. Somewhere, underneath a mountain of whipped cream, there is a tiny piece of cake. She holds it under Ruby's nose, grinning. Ruby giggles at her

SANGY

Reddi Whip! Smell it and weep!

SAMWISE
(shakes his head)
Get outta here. Go look at your TV.

SANGY

I detected gas in the kitchen.

(leaves)

SAMWISE
She's lying!
(turns to Ruby)
All I know is, whenever anyone comes in here they make

a beeline for your record.

She points at the wall, where a CD with the words "Nine Fingered Frodo and the Ring of DOOOM" emblazoned across it sits, framed. Ruby rolls her eyes

RUBY
Oh, Sam.

SAMWISE
"Who made that?" they say. "My oldest, my smartest

stepchildren," I answer, "but they're busy squandering

their Eru-given talent working minimum wage jobs across

the country."

(sighs)
The closest I've ever come to being creative is my erudamn

stupid garden, right?

He picks up a few empty plates and heads into the kitchen, leaving Ruby alone.

RUBY
Float. Just float.

CUT TO: Sam washing dishes in the kitchen. Ruby walks up behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder. He turns around and hugs her, then puts a hand on her forehead

SAMWISE

You need a prescription!

RUBY
No, it's a 24-hour bug. It's just goin' around.

In the background, Sangy is trying to work a can of spray-guitar-polish. She manages to spray it into her face and curses, loudly. Sam notices and hurries over

SAMWISE
oh, stop that on the rug!

SANGY
C'mere, gorgeous.
(takes his hand)

SAMWISE
No no no - no! I just ate!

She starts to spin him around and dance around the living room with him. Ruby heads upstairs; the camera pans up the stairs, looking through the banister on them twirling about, until it hits wall and fades to black.