BLACK SCREEN, accompanied by the word 'Relatives' and Hyde's tires/radio/engine. The sound fades out and into the soft sound of water falling

FADE INTO: MISTY, elderly and extremely senile, face nearly obscured by the leaves and flowers of a million different plants. They wave and shake as she waters them

MISTY
There. That's better.

We cut away to see Ruby watching her, standing in a jungle of potted and hanging plants. In the background you can just barely make out a piano amongst all the foliage.

RUBY
Your plants are so beautiful Aunt Misty. How

many do you have now?

MISTY
Two hundred and ten.

RUBY
Wow. That's a lot.

MISTY
Wanna see a really big boil?

RUBY

No thank you, not today.

Misty gets down off the step-stool she was standing on and hands her watering can to Ruby before sauntering over to a mirror to reapply her lipstick

MISTY

Here.

I hate a lot of lipstick. Your mother uses too

much of that orange goop that all the prostitutes

love.

RUBY

(diversionary tactic)
I... um, I think I smell gas in the kitchen. Do you

want me to... ?

Misty walks out of the room. Ruby blinks and sets the watering can down, following her like a mother does a small child who could get into a huge amount of trouble, very very easily.

We cut to the porch as Misty bounces out onto it; in one corner there is a floor lamp that she's set out there so she doesn't forget it. Hyde is also sitting on Loki's shoulders so he can change the lightbulb in the hanging-light. They wobble all over the place as Ruby follows Misty out. Misty grabs the lamp and pushes it towards Ruby

MISTY
Ruby, I won this on "The Price is Right".

RUBY

Aw, wow! That's so great -

MISTY
And I want you to have it. You're the only one

who will ever appreciate the birdies.

RUBY

... now? You want me to - I couldn't, Misty, I have -

MISTY
(over Ruby's stuttering)
TAKE IT, Ruby, or Martinez will. He sneaks into my

house whenever I leave.

As their conversation goes on, Hyde and Loki's wobbling becomes more extreme until, as Ruby gives up and takes the lamp, Hyde falls clean off Loki's shoulders and crashes into some patio furniture. Misty doesn't seem to notice and walks offscreen. We hear her gasp

MISTY
Ruby, is this your car? It looks like a carnival ride!

CUT TO: The car. Misty's sitting shotgun and Ruby and Loki are squished into the backseat. Ruby tries to get the lamp to fit. Hyde gets into the driver's seat and shuts the door

LOKI

Geez, it's really hot back here, isn't it.

RUBY
I'm frigging boiling. And my leg is gonna fall asleep -

Everyone manages to get settled, and then there is a ... flatulent noise.

LOKI

...
(whispers to Ruby)

was that you?

RUBY

no!
(nods her head towards Misty)

There are some more interesting sounds.

MISTY

How fast can you go, Hydey?

HYDE

like the wind, honey.

CUT TO: The car tearing down the street and pulling into Sangy's drive. Hyde gets out and pushes the seat down so the other two can climb out and quickly runs around to the other side, where Misty is struggling with the handle, before she can break anything.

HYDE
Mistymistymisty I'll get it -
(opens the door)
Here you go.

MISTY
Take the pie, Hydey.

She hands him the pie she made, which is covered with M&Ms. She gets out, managing to expose her granny knickers, and ambles off. Ruby climbs out with the lamp

HYDE

(whispers to Ruby)
She flashed me, Ruby, she flipping

flashed me -

RUBY
(giggles)
Welcome home.

CUT TO: Misty walks inside, carrying the pie. Music blares from the stereo. She walks into the kitchen, where Sangy is trying to cook and failing

MISTY
Where's Sammy?

(darts her head into pantries and closets)
Where is he?

SANGY
He's vacuuming. Another new hat?

MISTY
I made his favourite. Key lime pie.

Misty heads offscreen to deliver Sam's present to him. Sangy shouts after her

SANGY
I hate that colour on you, Misty!

Misty wanders into the living room and shouts over the roar of Sam's vaccuum

MISTY
Key lime pie!

SAMWISE

... M&Ms?

In the background, Ruby plugs in her new lamp and turns it on. Sangy sticks her head into the living room

SANGY

Ruby, come into the kitchen. See what's in

the furnace room.

RUBY

The furnace, I imagine.

SANGY
Ruby, go check the furnace. Do it for your

mother, alright?

Ruby gets up and walks into the kitchen, carrying one of the bags of groceries from earlier. Sangy looks at it as she passes

SANGY
Put that by the olives, the bag.

RUBY
Yes ma'am.

She does so and heads into the furnace room. We watch through the kitchen windows as she keeps walking, then stops suddenly. We cut over to see BALLPIT BOB, his head in the furnace.

BOB
I dunno, Ms. Red, it looks perfect to me.

Firing perfect. Y'got twenty, twenty-five

pounds per square inch pressure...

Ruby turns and bolts, running right into Hyde.

HYDE

Hey. I've got good news, Loki might almost

actually like you -

RUBY
shhh...
(whispers)
I am gonna kill her. I am gonna kill her.

HYDE
Why you gonna kill her?

RUBY
Bob Terziak is in there. Bob. Terziak.

HYDE
oh my eru, the Bob Terziak? Ballpit Bob!
Sad-sack Terziak! Jack Russel Terziak -

RUBY

shhh! you know what, I crushed him.

HYDE

you crushed his -

RUBY
There is nothing wrong with her boiler. It's

just twenty, twenty-five pounds per square

inch pressure. Will she not rest, not unless

I marry this guy?

They slowly sink to the floor, Ruby leaning against the counter.

HYDE
Sad-sack Terziaaak!

RUBY
You know what? What is wrong between you

and Ads? Because you don't tell me, you know.

You don't even call me. I tell you everything.

HYDE
This is a projection - see, I'm fine, Ads is fine.
I'm concerned - do you want to talk about it? Is

everything alright, or all wrong?

RUBY
Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact, if you could

tear yourself away from Mr. Wonderful for about

two seconds we could take a whack at it.

HYDE
Me? You're the one who keeps staring at his...

everything.

RUBY

Yeah, well, pretty boy.

HYDE
Born that way. Not his fault.

Sam dances up to them, singing nonsense about eggnog and holding two eggnog-glasses. He hands one to Ruby and helps her to her feet

SAMWISE
Here, take this, and I also brought Robert a treat,

working like this on Thanksgiving!
(marches into the furnace room)
Robert, you get right over here and take an eggnog

break, and look! Look who's home for the holidays!
(pushes Ruby forward and walks back to the kitchen)

HYDE
wow, this is working -

He pushes Hyde away too, deaf to his protesting. Ruby and Bob stand there awkwardly.

BOB

h-h-hi Ruby.

RUBY
Hello Bob.

BOB

h-hiya.

(takes a sip of eggnog)

woah! Mmm mmm good.

We cut to the ktichen, where Hyde crawls in, leading Loki

HYDE

there's something you've got to see -

LOKI
oh no, I don't think I wanna see this.

HYDE

sure you do, sure you do.

They hide behind the counter and we cut back to Bob and Ruby

BOB
I always let the guys have the day off, you

know, so they can visit their families, since

I'm all alone this year.

CUT TO Hyde and Loki

HYDE
This is the saddest sack in the universe.

Loki sneaks a stalk of celery off the counter and munches on it. Cut to Bob

BOB

I don't have anybody anymore, my brother and

sister got canned and they left town, and then my

parents went and died on me.

RUBY

I'm so sorry, I had no idea!

BOB
Yeah, well. It was a car wreck, 's... last summer. Drunk

driver. Cut right across the uh... what is it... the

meridian. And, y'know... pow! pow! head on.

(Ruby makes a genuine sympathetic-face)
So like I said I don't have anybody anymore really.

CUT TO Hyde and Loki. Loki chews loudly on the celery, and Hyde grabs his face to stop him. Cut to BOB

BOB
Um, nowhere to go, today. No family or nothin'...

but I guess everybody sorta needs me, y'know? I mean

everybody needs heat, right? Huh?

Ruby blinks for a second, then laughs, looking over and catching sight of Hyde and Loki peering in through the kitchen window.

BOB
And they're countin' on somebody to be there and,

I guess that's me today.

(beeper goes off)
See?

RUBY

But uh, what about... sh - didn't you have a girlfriend, or...

BOB
Oh, yeah, but she went and married my best buddy Ray.

Hyde makes the 'ouch' noise

BOB

(takes a deep breath)

you look uh... you still look so beautiful, Ruby.

RUBY
Eru, I do not.

BOB
Oh, you do too!

Ruby giggles. Bob looks around awkwardly

BOB
Well I guess I'd... well, this was nice.

RUBY
Yeah, it was nice.

BOB

Kinda glad your furnace acted up.

RUBY
Well um, maybe next year will be better for you.

BOB
Yeah! Or um, or worse.

He heads into the kitchen to drop his empty glass up. Hyde quickly gets up and pretends to have been chopping celery the whole time

BOB
Hey, Hyde!

HYDE
(looks up)
Hey, Bobby, how ya doin'?

BOB

How 'bout them Panthers, eh?

HYDE

... huh?

BOB

Three big ones!

HYDE
Oh my God that's like... big winner...

Bob walks back out to the furnace and over to the back door

BOB
Well uh, duty calls. Merry Christmas, if I don't

ever see you again.

(opens the door, pauses)
You have a nice life, Ruby.

Exit Bob. Ruby sighs, looking extremely guilty, and walks off, setting her glass on the counter as she passes. Loki gets to his feet; he and Hyde stare after her.

HYDE
She'll bounce back. Trust me on this.

BLACK SCREEN

HYDE (offscreen)
She feels her feelings when she feels them. Feelings

come up and she actually feels them, which is great...