TEXT: 'The Birds'

FADE IN: The whole family gathered around at the table (Sangy at one end, Erik to her left, Loki, Ruby, Misty, Wyn at the other end, Trickster, Spider, Hyde, and Sam, on Sangy's right) holding hands, heads lowered. Misty starts singing (Hallelujah, 'cause I remember reading it was Eru's theme song so therefore, a perfect prayer, right? Right. Yes it is - I'm not listening. Yes. It. Is.)

MISTY
Maybe I've been here before, I know this room

I've walked this floor, I used -

(hits the wrong note. Tries again)
Used -

(tries once more and hits it)
Used to live alone before I knew you...

She takes a deep breath as if trying to remember the lyrics; however she doesn't continue, exhales, and falls into silence. Ruby glances at her; the others raise their heads a bit. Hyde raises his eyebrows.

HYDE

... kay -

He reaches forward for some food, but Sam smacks his hand and takes it again

SAMWISE
Dear Eru, we are honoured that Loki Dawkins,

such an attractive young man sitting right next

to Ruby...

He continues his prayer, and we start to pan around the table in a circle

SANGY
(leans over and whispers)
Erik. Look at your sister, doesn't she look

snazzy?

Pan to Erik as he speaks, etc

SAMWISE (offscreen)

... and so we welcome him onto our family. Amen.

ERIK
Spectacular.
(leans across Loki and whispers to Ruby)
New diet?

Ruby shuts her eyes.

SANGY (offscreen)

Dear Eru, we realizes that lately -

Cut to Hyde, who grins at Ruby. Ruby smiles back and looks at Sangy; we cut over to her

SANGY

- everything's changing too damn fast. And all sorts

of things that are always the same - even things we

hated like shoveling the turkey and stuffing the snow,

and going through the same crap, year in, year out -

SAMWISE
(clears his throat)
Honey, food's getting cold.

SANGY
As I was saying, dear Eru, before my boyfriend interrupted

me, even those old fashioned, pain-in-the-ass traditions like

Thanksgiving, which really mean something to us, even though

erudamnit we couldn't tell you what it is, are starting to stop.
And thousand-year-old trees are falling over dead. And they

shouldn't. That's all from this end, amen.

ALL
Amen.

SPIDER
A-woman!

Everyone blinks.

HYDE
... that was absurd, let's eat dat bird.

ERIK
Wynter, help your mom.

Misty points across the table, knocking over a bottle of wine with her arm. Ruby stealthily catches it before it hits the table.

MISTY
I only want my own sweet potatoes, and one piece of

white meat but with no skin.

SAM, WYNTER
Coming right up.

Both of them lean over to take Misty's plate. Wyn reaches it first and Sam sits back down. Wyn gives him a dirty look, whether she meant to/realized it or not, and starts carving one turkey. Sangy works on the other.

SAMWISE
(leans over)
Hyde, help your mother carve. She can't, her wrist -

HYDE
No, Sam, I'm not good at that -

SAMWISE
Please. She's gonna hurt her wrist.

HYDE
I don't - Sam - I don't want the extra responsibility!

RUBY

Fine. I'll carve.

Erik's already on his feet again and is counting off a mental list again.

ERIK (offscreen)
Napkins - napkins -

TRICKSTER (offscreen)
I said, Gramps, I don't want that!

Sam leans over and grabs Sangy's wrist. She struggles a bit.

SAMWISE
Gimme that.

Sangy gives up and leans back. Sam makes an attempt at carving

SAMWISE

Samwise Gamgee can carve... Samwise Gamgee can

tend his garden -

MISTY
(jumps to her feet, raising her wine glass)
Like nobody's business!

They all fall silent, staring at her. She tilts her glass, staring intensely at Sam

MISTY
You're the best thing on two legs, Samwise Gamgee.
(drains her glass)

Sam clears his throat half-terrified.

SAMWISE
Ruby, jell-o salad?

RUBY
n-no, it's okay Sam, I'm okay.

MISTY
(sets her empty glass down)
And I knew it the very first second I laid my eyes on him

too. Thanksgiving Day, thirty years ago, 2:00 in the

afternoon -
(points at Sangy)
My best friend brought that fella over to our house for

dinner, after his own father had stuffed him to the gills.
And still he ate... like a horse in Hobbit clothes.

SAMWISE
(quietly)
Ruby, be a good girl, pass the cranberry sauce to Loki.

MISTY
Oh, I couldn't take my eyes off that curly hair, and those

eyes, and his big strong hands... and he had a little stubble.

She trails off. Erik looks at the table

ERIK
I... I think we should just...

RUBY

(finishes his sentence)
Stay out of it.

HYDE
No, I think we - I think we oughtta hear this. Go for it, Misty.

MISTY
(slowly sits back down)
I was twenty-three years old, and he wasn't that much older,

and we were both... so nice looking. I can still taste the salt

on his lips.

Sangy's halfway-amused face falls, immediately.

MISTY
Those soft soft lips. And his fluffy, fluffy Hobbit hair! I can

still feel it, thirty years later.

(turns to Ruby, who looks at her with a sympathetic kind of face)
He kissed me.

SANGY
(looks at Sam, bewildered)
When?!

MISTY
One Christmas Eve. And for one special moment my own

little life was as big as I could ever want it to be.

(turns and leans across the table to look at Spider and
Trick, who just look scared to death)
To have someone so close to you, they're inside you when

you're feeling small and scared and... just so... disappointed

in yourself...

(looks back at Ruby)
And whenever I look at Sam, I know how lucky my best friend

must be... because he made all my dreams come true for her.

(leans over to look at Loki)
I was a music teacher.

Loki smiles at her because he has no bloody idea what else to do, eyes shifting uncomfortably. Misty finishes her rant and pours/drains another glass of wine. Ruby looks forward and says, quietly, half to herself:

RUBY
Holy shit.

Sam tries to get the conversation to start back up again, and forces himself to smile

SAMWISE
Loki - Loki, would you pass my stuffing and... tell us what

you did before you went to work for our Hyde.

LOKI
I got fired a lot.

SAMWISE
Oh.

Sangy takes another shot at carving the turkey and curses some more. Hyde gets up, takes a big swig of wine and walks over, feeling loosened up after the wine and Misty's speech

HYDE
Naw, I'll carve.

Misty looks at Sam for a minute, then her eyelids start to droop, followed by her head. The normal clatter of silverware starts up again.

SANGY
So, Wynter, how's the music business? Got your record

company pissed at you for putting MP3s up on your site

this week?

WYNTER
No, Sangy, my record company's quite happy at the moment,

thank you.

SANGY
Oh, so I should go illegally download your music then?

WYNTER
Well, considering the laws at the moment, it'd actually be a -

Wynter continues ranting, but Sangy's lost interest already.

SANGY
I want that gravy!

SAMWISE
No! No you don't, it's terrible!

ERIK
(quietly to himself)
Because it's Erik's, not his...

WYNTER
(looks around to see that everyone's ignoring her)
I was talking here -

Ruby sneezes, Wyn looks up

WYNTER
Bless you.

LOKI
Wyn, when you say the laws - what are those?

WYNTER

The 'downloading of music is illegal' laws. Personally
I think they're a bunch of crap.

HYDE
Who wants a leg?

TRICKSTER
Me!

HYDE
You a leg man?

ERIK
(jumps to his feet)
No, no, he wants -

SANGY
Who cares about the leg! C'mere!

Trickster walks over to her, video camera on and filming random things. Wyn continues her music-rant in the background

SANGY
(pulls something out of her pocket and hands it to

him, then takes his camera from him)
That's an actual replication of the actual One Ring!

TRICKSTER
You already gave me a bunch of Rings. Every year,

Grandma.

SANGY
Well then why aren't you wearing them, you little

ingrate?

RUBY

Mom, don't. Don't, Mom.

SANGY
What? It's a joke! The kid knows it's a joke!

RUBY
Yeah, but Erik doesn't.

SANGY
Is that my fault?

Hyde hands Trickster a leg that he's hacked off the turkey. Trickster poses with it raised over his head like a club. Hyde takes a picture with the polaroid camera he's got hanging from his neck

HYDE
Cave man, cave man!

WYNTER
... that's what we need, people buying things but who's going

to buy them if they don't know what they're buying...

LOKI
Yeah, and - all those CDs - don't you think we just get

loaded down with stuff we don't need?

Sangy waves at Ruby, video camera aimed at her, and shouts 'smile!'. Ruby sticks her tongue out at the camera as Loki talks across the table at Wyn

LOKI
We get fat, like uh... human cholesterol or something!

SANGY
Is that my fault too?

WYNTER

... what? Loki, what are you saying?

LOKI

Human cholesterol, Wyntie, big gobs of fat choking

the economy -

RUBY
(giggling)
Too much stuff.

LOKI
Yeah!

RUBY
Yeah.

WYNTER
What?

RUBY
Huh?
(looks over)

WYNTER

Where?

RUBY
Everywhere! I mean, we get loaded down with all

this excess baggage.

LOKI
Exactly!
(talks out of the corner of his mouth)
What the hell is wrong with this gal?

SANGY
You bet your asses. Cholesterol. That's what I got.

(points at herself with the turkey leg she's holding)
And that's all this bozo in the White House is up to,

among other things...
(waggles eyebrows)

SAMWISE
No politics on Thanksgiving!

ERIK

What Wynter was trying to say, Mr. Dawkins, is

that -

WYNTER
My point, Erik, if I might make my own point, is that

it's high -

Misty's head droops against her chest. She snores lightly

WYNTER

- time we got back to our old standards again, for

heaven's sakes -

RUBY
Ooo, easy Wynter, easy, don't let em -

WYNTER
No, Ruby, enough already! For heaven's sakes

it's high time we all did, get back -

ERIK
Oh mom, your pills. Don't forget the ones with

food.

SAMWISE
The high-pressure ones in your pocket.

RUBY
(frowns)
What pills, Mom?

SANGY

How could I forget them. If I forget them, someone

reminds me, or Sam reminds me, or -

Hyde's still struggling with the turkey, and is now not even bothering to attempt not to squish his face up as he does so.

WYNTER
... I don't mean anything political, just that...

SANGY
Ah, who knows for what. For everything!

SAMWISE
You eat too much. She eats all day long. Junk food - that's

all she eats!

SANGY
Well who makes it? I open the cupboards and there it is!

WYNTER

... we're in Crunksville, land of the good rock tunes...

HYDE
You tell 'em, Mama Cash. You're paying for it, you eat what

you want.

ERIK
Don't encourage him.

HYDE
Oh, excuse me, Mr. -

ERIK
Don't comment on things you don't understand.

HYDE
Dooon't start with me, because you'll lose.
(smiles at him)

WYNTER
I said common sense, damnit, nobody makes sense anymore!

SANGY
Nothing makes sense anymore.

WYNTER
Right!

HYDE
This erudamn bird, I'm trying to get an angle - what did you

do to it, Sam?

Hyde, in his attempt to carve, sends the turkey flying right into Erik's lap. The entire room falls silent. Erik stares at it, shocked. Hyde gasps, then both he and Sangy burst into laughter.

ERIK

... you BASTARD!

SPIDER
(jumps up)
Daddy!

SAMWISE
(looks at the stain on his shirt)
Baking soda! Baking soda!

He jumps up and runs into the kitchen for it; Erik screams more obscenities

SPIDER
What's wrong with my daddy?!

Hyde leans forward, grinning, and takes a polaroid of Erik.

ERIK
Get this off me - get - YOU ERUDAMN BASTARD!

Ruby and Loki jump up, pick up the turkey and raise it over Erik's head; in the process they manage to dump turkey-juice all over him. He screams more and finally Misty wakes up, looking around groggily. Ruby and Loki drop the turkey on the floor, giggling. Sangy laughs uncontrollably until she glances at a miniscule stain on her own shirt; her face falls immediately.

SANGY
Oh, shit! Sam - Sam, will this come off?

SAMWISE
(runs back in with baking soda)
What is it now?

SANGY
Look at my shirt!

Sam, on his way over to Erik, dumps a bit of baking soda on Sangy's stain.

SANGY
Erik, look at your mother's shirt! It's useless! I know

how you feel!

ERIK
You don't know how I feel, and in my opinion you

don't even care!

SANGY
Well, opinions are like assholes honey. Everybody's

got one and everybody thinks everyone else's stinks.

SAMWISE
Sangy, for Eru's sakes!

Wyn and Sam both attempt to clean Erik up, and do a pretty good job of it in fact. Sangy can't stop laughing. Loki and Ruby pick the bird up again and dump it onto the table, shaking with laughter.

ERIK
This has been a complete nightmare!
(stands up; Sam continues to pour baking soda on him)
I have to go.

HYDE

Oh gad, Erik, nice drama queen energy. Could you just

set it down so it gets better for once instead of worse?

ERIK
Oh, you're calling me a drama queen? Mr. Pervert?

Hyde pauses for a moment, then pretends not to look hurt by shrugging his shoulders and examining the picture he took of Erik. Ruby clears her throat and attempts not to laugh

RUBY
Mom, put the camera down -

She manages to get the camera away from Sangy and Hyde kneels down next to her, turning the picture so Sangy can see it.

HYDE
No, Mom, try to think back like a million years ago - I'm

dead serious - 'cause I'm getting a feeling from this picture

back when you guys came back from the hospital with

Erik - he was just a tiny little baby, right, so I mean anything

could have happened. Is it possible there was like a baboon

family near the hospital and maybe there was a switch-up, a little

mix-up, and maybe you got the wrong one? Because - because
I'm not kidding about this.

(holds the picture up)

ERIK
(shakes his head, slowly)
You little sleazy...

RUBY
Awwww Eru...

WYNTER
(shakes her head)
No, Ruby, it's not even worth it.

ERIK
No, you're calling me a freak?

HYDE

No, I'm calling you a product of baboon luvin'. There's a

distinction.

ERIK

oh, that's -

WYNTER
Erik, just -

ERIK
No, don't muzzle me! You and I both know I am the

only normal person here! I am!

WYNTER
I know, I just -

HYDE
Well, your secret's safe with us, Cheetah.

(takes another picture)

ERIK
Oh, that's great. Let's talk about secrets, huh?
Congratulations, honey. Yeah! May you and your

husband live happily ever after, Mrs. Bell. Or whatever

the hell you call yourself now, or he does.

Sam starts humming loudly again

ERIK
Did you wear a dress? Did you wear a white veil or a blue

garter belt?

SANGY
What the hell are you talking about, Erik? You make

about as much sense as a...
(waves hand)

RUBY
(looks at Hyde)
No shit? You and Ads.

HYDE
Yeah.

RUBY
When?

HYDE

Three months ago. August 17.

SANGY
When? When what?

HYDE
I - we'll talk about it later, okay?
(starts giggling, along with Ruby)

RUBY

(stops)
Yeah, now's not the time.

SANGY
Where?

ERIK
On a public beach. And all his darling little friends, they

were prancing around and falling all over each other -

he kissed him on the lips, you know, right in front of...

I could throw up.

SPIDER
Daddy, I'm too bored. I have to go home.

SANGY
Hyde.

HYDE
Yeah?

SANGY
Did you wear a dress?

HYDE
No. Sorry.

ERIK

You know, the press knows about you, Hyde. They

know you're Wyn's brother-in-law. Did you ever think of that?
You know there are reporters in this world. You could have

ruined Wyn's career.

HYDE
(quietly)
Desert looks pretty good.

LOKI

(to Ruby)
You thought that I was... that Hyde and I were...

HYDE
(walks over, claps a hand on his shoulder)
I forgot to tell her. You don't mind, do you?

LOKI
That we were -

RUBY
Yeah, okay? Yeah.

Wyn, feeling Erik's calmed down enough that it's safe to go near him again, leads him back to a chair

WYNTER
Just sit down, Erik. So Ruby, we haven't

heard a peep from you. How's your

glamorous life?

Ruby opens her mouth, hesitates. Hyde sits down on a sofa and giggles, lighting up a cigarette.

RUBY
My glamourous life. My life, my little life...

Hyde?

HYDE
Oh - your glamorous life?

RUBY
Hit me?

HYDE
'Salright?

RUBY

The glamorous part.

HYDE
Well she was just fabulously... fired, from

her job.

RUBY
(jaw drops)
You know plenty.

HYDE
(grins)
I check my messages. Shall I continue?

RUBY
Oh yeah.

HYDE
Alright, well, um... nephew Warren is probably definitely

losing his virginity and perhaps getting pregnant simultaneously

this very as-we-speakend, kind of like...

Ruby saunters over and takes the cigarette from Hyde before sitting in his lap.

RUBY
Kind of like his mom.

HYDE
Kinda like his mom! And uh, that's pretty much it for her

glamorous life.

RUBY
(takes a drag)

No, uh-uh, 'cause... the Azure thing.

HYDE

Oh my Eru, that's right, she was also making out, sliding

lips with her sleazy co-worker Azure!
(bursts into laughter)
Why'd you do that?

RUBY
(shrugs)
'Cause.

HYDE

'Cause. Just fer scuz.

SANGY
Nobody tells me anything around here.

Misty jumps up suddenly, wine glass in hand

MISTY
Sammy, Sammy, give me your answer dooo. I'm half

craaazy, all for the love of yooou. It won't be a styyylish

marriage, I caaan't afford a carriage...

She dances around the room, continuing to sing. Sangy gets up and walks off.

ERIK
Nice work. Yeah, nice work guys. As usual, I'll go calm

her down.

RUBY
No no no no, I'll go.

ERIK
I said I would.

SAMWISE

Eru, I'll go, it's my wife.

RUBY
Eru, I'll go, it's my fault. I'm sorry, I just acted like I was

two.

Exit Ruby. Sam sighs and sits down

SAMWISE
Okay. The rest of us, we'll just sit here, in the dark, and

keep each other company. Right Misty?

MISTY
Company. What else is there?

Then there is a beat. Immediately followed by Misty jumping Sam and snogging him.