Last Tango in Crunksville
[Scene: Mexican restaurant. Taren and Zack are sitting at a table]
[Zack reaches for the bowl of tortilla chips in the center of the table]
Taren: No no, allow me.
[Taren proceeds to pick up the bowl and dump the contents into his backpack]
Zack: Ahaha, that's what I love about this place, free chips.
Taren: Hmm you know I'm kinda glad the girls suggested this bonding thing.
Zack: [nods] You seem a decent fellow. When you're not molesting my daughter, that is.
Taren: Don't ruin this.
Zack: Sorry. [snaps fingers] Uh, waitress! We need more chips!
[Misty and Meg walk over in waitressuniformthings, looking very put out]
Misty: Pigs.
Zack: Hey, it's your first night. We're just trying to break you in by doing the obnoxious customer routine.
Taren: [points] Is that our check?
Meg: Yes, and here's the salsa for your little stash of tortilla chips there. [picks up Taren's backpack and dumps a bowl of salsa into it]
Taren: ...ouch.
Zack: Hey Misty, when are you getting home?
Misty: Oh, I don't know. We're going dancing with some guys from work.
Zack: Some guys from work?
Meg: Yeah, LSS and LSM.
Taren: [falls out of chair]
Zack: They work here??
Misty: Yep. Isn't it great?
[LSM waves cheerfully in the background as Taren climbs back into his chair]
Zack: Yeah...
Meg: We were wondering if you guys wanted to come with us.
Zack: Dancing?
Taren: Puh!
Misty: puh?
Taren: I think we'll head to the gym.
Meg: And do what?
Taren: work out.
Meg: since when do you work out?
Taren: Since... always. Don't argue.
Misty: Alrighty. We'll see you later tonight then.
Zack: Okay hon.
Meg: [gives Taren a quick kiss and jogs off]
Misty: [hugs Zack's head, follows Meg]
---
[The next day, Taren
and Zack enter the Avery house]
Zack: Boy, we pumped a ton of iron last night. How ya feelin'?
Taren: Good. How about you?
Zack: Good. …wanna help me take my jacket off?
Taren: Sure.
[Taren helps a wincing Zack take his coat off]
Taren: What's important is we had a good time doing our guy thing and they got dancing out of their systems.
Zack: I just wonder if LSS or LSM tried anything. I don't trust anyone with that many zippers on their pants.
[Taren nods. Meg and Misty enter the room]
Zack: I'm gonna ask.
Taren: NEVER! And appear to be jealous? You never ask! Never! Under any circumstances!
Meg: Yo.
Taren: [whirls around] WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT??? [turns to Zack] You see what I did there? [turns back]
Meg: [cowers behind Misty]
Misty: Nothing happened. We danced. I am a little tired.
Taren: Ahaha [points at Zack] YOU got a problem.
Meg: Boy that LSM sure knows how to move, huh?
Taren: Oh I got a problem too.
Misty: LSS is no slouch on the dance floor either.
Zack: [whimpers] I didn't ask…
[Taren pats him on the back]
Meg: Why mummy, I think they're jealous.
Taren: I am not jealous okay?
[beat]
Did he touch you?!
Meg: LSS or… LSM?
Taren: Oh what difference does it make?! Meg you were out with another guy! Dancing and sweating and WHAT IS WITH ALL THOSE ZIPPERS?!
Misty: We asked you to come along, we asked you…
Meg: Yes, and I believe your exact words were: puh.
Zack: Puh… sibbly.
Misty: We like to dance. LSS and LSM like to dance. We did nothing wrong. What's the big deal?
Zack: [sighs] It's no big deal.
Taren: It's no big deal at all.
Misty: So then you guys will come with us next time?
Taren: [grins] Hey, wouldn't miss it.
[Misty and Meg leave]
Zack: We're going dancing with them?
Taren: [grin disappears] No. We're going to the gym so we can beat the ZIPPERS OFF LSS AND LSM!!
---
[At the restaurant]
Zack: There are the girls.
Taren: Okay, if they ask, we are not here because we’re jealous of the Lonely Spanish Men. We’re here for the El Grande Burrito for $2.99.
Zack: Got it.
Meg: [walks up with Misty] Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Taren: We’re here to BEAT UP LSS and LSM!
Zack: TAREN!!
Taren: …but we’d like to start with 2 El Grande Burritos, please. Chicken? Beef?
Meg: Taren, this is the busiest night of the week. [scampers off]
Zack: Misty?
Misty: I’m sorry, we can’t talk, we got tables! [runs away]
Zack: Of all the lame excuses! “We’ve got tables”.
LSS: [appears suddenly behind them] Welcome to El Coyote. I am the manager.
Zack: Yeah, I know who you are. We met the other night, LONELY SPANISH MAN.
LSS: No, I am Lonely Spanish son. LSM is the one with the mad guitar skills and puppy-dog eyes.
Zack: Where?
Taren: Over there. [points] Talking to Misty.
Zack: [whirls around] Hey LSM! HANDS OFF!!
LSS: Oh yes, you are Horribleman, who belittles the art of the dance.
Zack: [eyes narrow] We could take you.
LSS: [turns] And don’t tell me. You are Taren, the luckiest man alive, for you are marrying Meg, who is as beautiful as a flower! No, no, a garden. A garden full of beautiful flowers!
Zack: …she’s really not that pretty.
Taren: [fwap]
LSS: And because you are special to Misty and Megalynn, you are special to LSS. I give you special table.
[seats them at a table and hands them menus]
And please don’t order off the children’s menu anymore. [walks off]
Taren: Hey Meg!
[Meg walks up, carrying several plates]
Taren: When are you getting off of work?
Meg: Tare I’m carrying a sizzling plate of fajitas! Ow ow ow ow ow… [runs off]
Taren: What’s with her tonight?
Zack: Maybe Misty knows what’s going on. [waves at Misty as she walks past] Misty? Honey?
Misty: Sorry, I’ve got a table of twelve! [jogs away]
Zack: You’re not fooling anyone!
Taren: Alright, enough of this! [turns his head to the right and calls] Meg!
Meg: [walks up and stands at his left side] What?
Taren: [is still looking right] MEG!!
Meg: WHAT?!
Taren: [turns] I’d like a Baby Burrito, a Junior Taco, and your boyfriend would also like to know what time his girlfriend’s getting home from work!!
Meg: I don’t know!
Taren: I bet LSS and LSM would know!!
Meg: Oh stop that! Lookie here, I really need to concentrate on my work right now and I’m having a hard time doing that with you here. I’ll call you when I have a better idea of what time I’ll be home.
LSM: Meg, table 5 please.
Meg: Gotchya. [runs off]
Taren: Oh sure! For Lonely Spanish Man she has all the time in the world!
---
[Cut to Orli’s backyard. Egie is sitting in his own yard, stretched out on a lawn chair]
Orli: [scurries out of the house, holding a satellite dish] Hey Eggy, check it out! Satellite TV! 800 channels [hugs dish close]
Egon: Aunt Ari must be thrilled.
Ari: [stands in the doorway] So that’s it? That’s our Saturday night, you installing that stupid dish?
Orli: Oh honey, just let me set it up, and then the rest of the night is yours! Okay? [starts climbing the ladder leading up to the roof]
Ari: Yeah I believe that… [walks off-screen]
Danny: [walks out of the house] Hey Orli? I think you got a bad satellite, man, I don’t see anything.
Orli: … just hold the ladder, alright? And don’t speak.
[Dan nods and obeys. Serena walks past]
Egon: Hello Serena.
Serena: [stops] Egon Greenleaf! Good evening!
Egon: Nice night for a stroll, eh?
Serena: What are you doing home on a Saturday night, a good-looking kid like yourself?
Egon: [laughs] Oh, stop. I’m about to sit in front of the fire, enjoy a cup of hot chocolate and dive into a good book.
Serena: Alone?
Egon: Yeah, alone.
Serena: Well, I was going to go up the street to Starbucks and have some coffee, also… alone.
Egon: Well, I hear they make a heck of a mocha.
[Serena frowns and leaves. Danny smiles at her as she walks past, then turns to Egon and slumps over, exasperated]
Danny: Eggy!
Egon: What?
Danny: A hottie like Serena Jones asks you out and you just blow her off?
Egon: …she asked me out?
Danny: She was practically throwing herself at you!
Egon: When??
Danny: [sighs in frustration] “I’m going to Starbucks also… alone.”
Egon: I heard that, she wanted some coffee.
Danny: Yeah! With a side o’ you! [nodnod] She thinks yer cute. [starts to walk off]
Egon: Wait! [jumps fence] You think she wanted a date?
Danny: Ahhh, now you’re getting it!
Egon: Why didn’t I see that?
Danny: …’cause yer stupid? [picks up the ladder and walks into the house]
Orli: [off-screen] DANNY!!!
Danny: WHAT???
---
[the gym. Tare is attempting to bench-press a weight. Zack stands over him, coaching]
Zack: PUSH! PUSH!
Taren: I can’t!!
Zack: Yes you can, you wimp, now PUSH! LSS could! LSM COULD!!
Taren: [lifts weight slowly] LSM!!
Zack: [helps him set weight down] That’s one.
Taren: [stands up] Your turn.
[Zack lays down and seizes weight]
ForeignGirl1: [thick accent] That vas a good rep. You did not giff up on it.
Taren: Thank ye.
Zack: Tare? We trust our girls, right?
Taren: [helps him lift weight] Of course we do. That’s why I’m gonna call Meg. [drops weight and walks off]
Zack: [tries desperately to lift the weight he’s now stuck under] She won’t get mad?
Taren: No, she’ll be flattered. Women love that kind of attention.
Zack: Well, when you’re done with Meg, put Misty on. I wanna flatter her too.
Taren: [dials the number to the restaurant]
Phone: Hola, this is LSS.
Taren: [sneers] Hello, LSS.
[scene cuts to the restaurant, where the answering machine is shown]
AnsweringMachine: El Coyote is now closed. If you are calling for reservations, please call tomorrow during normal business hours. If you need to contact me, Misty, LSM or Meg, you can reach us at the Boom-Boom Room at 438 –
[cut back to Tare, who hangs up]
---
[cut to Taren and Meg’s front porch at night. Tare paces in front of the door. There is the sound of a car pulling up and a door slamming. Meg walks up]
Meg: Yo.
Taren: What are you doing here??
Meg: …I live here. With you, remember?
Taren: Well if you live here then why aren’t you inside at midnight??
Meg: We worked late and a bunch of us went out.
Taren: I know, Meg, but you were supposed to call me.
Meg: I did call you! Corey said you were out for the evening.
Taren: Where’d you go? Dancing?
Meg: Yeah. I like it, especially after a long night at work –
Taren: The Meg I knew liked something else after a long night at work…
Meg: [ignores him] Dancing helps me unwind.
Taren: Okay. Okay, so, instead of waiting for Taren so you can “unwind” in bed with him, you run off with LSM to the Boom-Boom Room!
Meg: …how did you know I was at the Boom-Boom Room?
Taren: I called the restaurant, okay, it was on the machine.
Meg: So you were checking up on me?
Taren: …[freezes] …no! I – no! I was CHECKING on tomorrow’s special. I mean, the seafood enchilada for $3.50, how do they do that? The shrimp, it’s so big!
Meg: LSM is just a friend who likes to dance. I’ve asked you to take me dancing at least 500 times.
Taren: Oh this has nothing to do with that! I forbid you to see him again.
Meg: I’m going to bed.
Taren: I forbid you to go to bed.
[Meg looks at him, shakes her head, and walks into the house. Taren sighs, shoving his hands in his pockets]
---
[gym. Taren and Zack are doing curl-ups]
Taren: Y’know, I don’t get women. Why can’t they be more like men?
[Foreign Girls 1 and 2 enter]
ForeignGirl1: Hi guys.
Taren: Hey Sonia. Hey Cookie. I gotta say it again, that is a great name.
Sonia: [picks up a weight] Lookin’ good! Goo fer ze burn!
Zack: Tare [sits up] Let’s try to figure this thing out.
[Taren sits up]
Zack: The girls wanna dance more than anything in the world, and we wanna make them happy.
Taren: There’s gotta be a simple solution to all this. Let’s think.
[Both look pensive and deep in thought. Several minutes pass by]
Zack: Anything?
Taren: Nothin’. Wait! Here it comes. Okay. The girls talk about how it’s okay to have guys who are “just friends”. Well, what if we got ourselves a couple of girls who are “just friends”?
Zack: Taren that’s brilliant! That’s the simple solution!
Taren: You know Zack I’ve got a strange craving for Mexican.
Zack: Ahaha, I am right with you. You think they deliver?
Taren: -.-‘
---
[restaurant]
Misty: I told Zack LSS and I were just friends and he practically called me a liar!
Meg: Tare did the exact same thing! It’s like they’re sharing a brain and there’s not enough for one.
Misty: Having friends of the opposite sex. It’s such a simple idea. Why can’t they get it?
LSS: [appears] Because since the beginning of time, men have been idiots. This will never change. But the truth is, if my girlfriends went out dancing with somebody who looked like me, I would be insane as well.
Meg: Yeah, maybe we should be a little more understanding.
[beat]
Misty, Meg: [simultaneous] NAH!
[Zack and Taren enter with Sonia and Cookie]
Taren: Okay girls, order anything you want! When you’re with us, calories don’t count!
Sonia: Oooo, Chimichangas here I come!
Zack: [cheerfully] LSM!
LSM: Not even LSM can save you now. [walks off]
Meg: Hey guys.
Taren: Meg! Come here, we want you to meet our friends.
[leads Misty and Meg over to Sonia and Cookie’s table]
Okay, this is Cookie and Sonia.
Zack: Sonia can bench press 300 lbs.
Misty: That’s impressive.
Meg: It’s nice to meet you.
Sonia: Sank you. Breeng mee a cola.
Meg: [forces a smile] You got it. [walks off]
Taren: [runs after, stops her. Zack follows]
Meg! You didn’t tell us what you think of our [air quotes] friends.
Zack: Ahaha, good one.
Meg: Well, they seem like very nice, attractive, well-toned girls.
Taren: Ahhh, you’re jealous!
Zack: Ahah, you are the man!
Misty: How dumb are you?
Meg: Almost as dumb as Taren. [glareglare]
Zack: …I told him it would backfire.
[Tare fwaps him. Meg walks over to Sonia and Cookie’s table]
Meg: So, did Taren tell you why exactly you were here?
Sonia: He said we would have a romantic dinnar and I could maybe get my green cahd.
Taren: …I’m pretty sure I said “greeting card”.
Misty: They brought you here to make us, their girlfriends, jealous.
Meg: I’ll be right back with your cola. [smiles and exits. Misty follows]
Sonia: [stands] You’re just using us??
---
[Ari/Orli’s backyard. Danny walks out of the house and into the yard, followed by Shawn]
Danny: Alright so what happened?
Shawn: I just don’t get Jade, y’know? I called her up, she said she was sick in bed, and chicken soup would probably make her feel better. I said it probably would.
Then I went bowling.
Now she’s mad at me.
Danny: [thinks] Maybe she wanted you to bring her the chicken soup.
Shawn: Why didn’t she just say so?
Danny: Women, man, they speak in code!
[Egon walks up, in his own backyard]
Danny: Hey! Eggy! How was your date with Serena?
Egon: Well, it seemed to be going quite well. She even invited me into her house.
Danny: Ooo! Go Egon, go Egon!
Egon: She read me some of her poetry and asked what I thought. And I told her.
Danny: Oh, well, I mean… you told her you loved it, right?
Egon: …I told her it was promising for a beginner.
[Danny hangs head]
Egon: She said she’d been writing for 10 years.
And here I am.
Danny: [rubs temples] Okay, um, see… that’s not what she wanted to hear.
Egon: Well then why did she ask?
Shawn: He’s been Chicken Souped.
[Ari’s voice comes from inside the house]
Ari: Orli, it’s me or that satellite dish! You make the choice!
[Orli exits the house, sighing, and waves meekly]
Orli: Hey guys.
[Taren and Zack walk up]
Zack: Misty doesn’t even get me.
Taren: It’s like Meg and me are speaking different languages.
Orli: [sighs, sits down on the bench] Well, one thing’s obvious. It’s not us. It’s them.
Egon: Now wait minute, maybe we should all just… think a second.
Taren: No Zack and I tried that, it doesn’t work.
Danny: Okay. I’ve been silent long enough. Guys I been working on a theory:
Men… are idiots.
Orli: What?
Danny: No wait, there’s more, hang on. Alright, there it is: men… are BIG idiots.
All: Ohhh…
Danny: Yeah, see that?
Taren: Alright so what do we do?
Danny: You know, maybe… we should just try listening to them.
[beat]
All: [burst into laughter]
Danny: Haha, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.
Zack: Maybe we should try Taren’s thinking thing again.
[all look pensive and think]
---
[cut to: club (The Boom Boom Room?) LSM and Meg are on the dance floor, but Meg looks stressed and unhappy. LSM is grooving]
LSM: What’s the matter tonight Meg? You are not enjoying LSM as I am enjoying LSM.
Meg: It’s Taren. He hasn’t spoken to me in two days. I don’t care if he won’t dance, I miss him.
LSM: He misses you too. Of this I am sure.
Misty: [walks up] I just called the house again. They’re not there.
LSM: Of course they’re not there. Of this I am sure.
[Ari dances past]
Ari: Oh man, this is great.
Misty: Pookie is okay with this?
Ari: He’s so stuck in front of that satellite TV he doesn’t even know I’m here.
LSM: Oh, he knows you are here. Of this I am sure.
Ari: [spots Serena] Serena! What are you doing here?
Serena: Oh I love dancing. I just wish there was a way to get your nephew here. [twirls]
Misty: Come on Nutmeg, I miss Zack too. Let’s just try to have fun.
Meg: I can’t have fun, I wanna be with Taren. Why must men be so stubborn? Why? For what reason?
[Danny walks onstage and taps mic]
Danny: Ladies?
[All stop dancing]
Danny: Since the beginning of time, men… [points at self] have been idiots. This will make up for it.
[Danny sets the mic stand aside and walks over to a curtained door at the back of the stage. He disco-poses next to it. Taren, Zack, Egon, Orli and Shawn all walk out of the door and do a choreographed dance to “Hot Stuff”.]
---
[same club. The men are now out on the dance floor with their SO’s]
Meg: Where did you learn to dance like that?
Taren: Everyone can dance! Of this I am sure!
Meg: LSM taught you? [jaw drops]
[cut to Shawn, who stands fidgeting. Sonia walks up]
Sonia: You like to dahnce?
Shawn: Um… no thanks.
Sonia: That vas not a question. [picks him up and carries him onto the dance floor]
[cut to Amber and Danny]
Danny: So, you heard of the Lord of the Dance?
Amber: Nope.
Danny: No? It’s me. [does an insane tap dance]
[end.]