Tony F., brother, friend, band mate…not always in
that order.
“For all the
memories I have of Ivan, it still haunts me that this is the one I remember
most clearly. I love Ivan. I love the life he lived, and the time that I was
blessed to spend with him. His character was astounding, and in spite of the
troubles he had, it continued to shine, even in his darkest moments.”
Ivan sat upright in his
hospital bed. Kaitee sat at his side, his left hand, the one not hooked up to a
myriad of IV cords, was held tightly in hers. They watched in silence as we,
his closest friends and family, filed into the room.
Tommy
and I went in first, followed quickly by Brady, his dad, and Momma. Within five
minutes Chris entered, his eyes already red and welling with tears, seemingly
knowing what Ivan was going to say. Finally, Marcus who had flown in just hours
earlier, as Ivan had refused to tell family anything without our adopted Papa
by his side, and that was the position he took, opposite Kaitee. He gave Ivan a
fatherly squeeze on the shoulder. This signaled that the family was assembled
and Ivan could continue when he was ready.
Ivan
paused to breathe, obviously trying to dislodge the lump in his throat. He
squeezed Kaitee's hand for strength, and caught a reassuring wink from the
distressed Chris.
Ivan
cleared his throat and began.
"Thank
you all for coming like I asked." He paused to breathe again, blinking
back tears. "This isn't easy...but it seems nothing in this adventure
we've had together has been. At least it keeps things from getting dull."
He attempted a smile, and we attempted one back.
He
cleared his throat again turning serious. "Ever since they diagnosed me
again, a month or so ago, I feel like I've just been negotiating with God for
time. And the more I've thought about it, it feels like that's all it’s been, a
big waiting game. A year here, two there, just waiting until the grace period
is over and it catches up with me. I can't live like that anymore."
He
paused again, choking on tears, "I love you guys, all of you, everything
about you, and more than anything...I can't bear the thought of not being able
to hug and talk to each one of you every day. But that loss would be small in
comparison to the gain...to gain a life without pain, without doctors and
needles and not knowing if I'll get to say I love you one more time."
He
stopped to wipe his eyes, trying not to look at the rest of us. "I'm not
giving up, but I can't negotiate any more. I can't take more treatment just to
deny the inevitable. So I want to stop. Give the control back to God, the only
one who really knows what's good for me."
I
remember looking around the room, through my veil of tears. Chris held his face
in his hand, crying. Brady stood still, hands in pockets, staring at his feet,
while Cory held Momma around the shoulders. She was amazingly calm though,
almost looking relieved. Kaitee had silent tears running down her face, but she
remained ever faithful and supportive at Ivan’s side. Papa Marc had reached
over and taken Chris in his arms, Chris towered over him and I couldn't see his
face. Tommy, my brother, stood next to me, tears down his face, his arms
folded, and nodding, knowing what Ivan said was the truth and we had no choice
but to support him, as if we could do any less.