Reality continues to ruin my life.

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

Its no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me.

What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?

As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.

I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... Procrastinating and rationalizing.

"Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?"
"I'm not sure that man needs the help."

"MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?"
"No, Calvin."
"CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?"
"No, Calvin."
"Then can I have a cookie?"
"No, Calvin."
"She's on to me."

~

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

Calvin : "Do you really think Bogeymen exist?"
Hobbes : "I'm not sure, but if they do, I think this is where they live…"

~

~

"Here's a movie we should watch."
"Who's in it?"
"It says 'Japanese Cast'...two big rubbery monsters slug it out over major metropolitan centres in a battle for world supremacy...doesn't that sound great?"
"And people say that foreign film is inaccessible."

~

~

GURLS

~

~

Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

~

Calvin : Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!

Calvin:  YAAH! DEATH TO OATMEAL! 

Calvin's father:  I just KNOW some nurse switched the bassinets. 

Calvin:  I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know. 

Stupendous Man:  YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY, BABYSITTER GIRL! 

Calvin:  To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible. 

Calvin:  My life needs a rewind/erase button. 
Hobbes:  And a volume control. 

Calvin:  I'd hate to have a kid like me. 

Hobbes:  Most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. 

Calvin:  Sooner or later, all our games turn into Calvinball. 

Calvin:  At this room, time enters a no-passing zone. 

Calvin:  I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family. 

Calvin's Dad:  The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that is even worse. 

Calvin:  My internal clock is on Tokyo time. 

Calvin:  Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. 

Calvin:  Reality continues to ruin my life. 

Calvin:  Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. 

Calvin:  I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point. 

Calvin:  Childhood is short, maturity is forever. 

Hobbes:  If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it. 

Hobbes:  My, this game does teach new words! 

Calvin:  I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. 

Calvin:  True friends are hard to come by...I need more money. 

Calvin:  Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am? 

Calvin:  It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool. 

Calvin:  Susie, if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front. Do not call the police. You cannot trace us. You cannot find us.
Sincerely, Calvin. 

Hobbes:  Van Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them. 

Calvin:  In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. 

Calvin:  The hard part for us avant-garde post-modern artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. 

Calvin:  Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? 

Calvin:  What's it like to fall in love? 
Hobbes:  Well... Say the object of your affection walks by... 
Calvin:  Yeah? 
Hobbes:  First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves. 
Calvin:  That's love?!? 
Hobbes:  Medically speaking. 
Calvin:  Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!

Hobbes:  Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? 
Calvin:  Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask, right? 

Dad:  The world isn't fair, Calvin. 
Calvin:  I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor? 

Calvin:  There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is. 

Hobbes:  Do you think there's a God? 
Calvin:  Well somebody's out to get me! 

Calvin:  I love Saturday morning cartoons. What classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about. ...Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. 

Calvin:  Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health. 

Hobbes:  So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met? 

Hobbes:  I don't know which is worse, ...that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low. 

Calvin:  When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation. 
Hobbes:  An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. 
Calvin:  It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them. 

Calvin:  The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest! 

Calvin:  A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. 

Calvin:  The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity the tell the difference. 

Calvin:  I'm a simple man, Hobbes. 
Hobbes:  You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles! 
Calvin:  I'm a simple man with complex tastes. 

Calvin:  Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship. 

Calvin:  I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled! 
Hobbes:  Is it a right to remain ignorant? 
Calvin:  I don't know, but I refuse to find out! 
Calvin:  I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! 
Hobbes:  I'll draw some stars to show pain and human suffering. 

Calvin:  You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it. 

Calvin:  The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life. 

Calvin:  From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in. 

Calvin:  History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. 

Calvin:  It's not the pace of life I mind. It's the sudden stop at the end. 

Calvin:  Mom and Dad can make the rules
And certain things forbid,
But I can make them wish that they
Had never had a kid. 

Calvin:  As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. 

Calvin:  Tigers don't worry about much, do they? 
Hobbes:  Nope. That's one of the perks of being feral. 

Calvin:  Twisted fiend! No four walls can hold Stupendous Man! You've been foiled again, evil Mom-Lady! Ha ha ha! 
Mom:  Oh yeah? 
Calvin:  Great Zok! She's fixed her mind-scrambling eyeball ray on me! I'm suddenly filled with the desire to go back upstairs and do her nefarious bidding! 
Mom:  Glad to hear it. 

Calvin:  I think life should be more like tv. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think? 

Calvin:  This clean, wholesome television! Ughh, it makes me sick. 

Calvin:  People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. 

Dad:  Bug bites build character. 
Calvin:  Yeah, and last year you said diarrhea builds character. 
Dad:  So think what a fine young man you're growing up to be. 
Calvin:  ...If all this character doesn't kill me first. 

Calvin:  It's only work if somebody makes you do it. 

Calvin:  I've been thinking, Hobbes. 
Hobbes:  On a weekend? 
Calvin:  Well, it wasn't on purpose... 

Hobbes:  A new decade is coming up. 
Calvin:  Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the Moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the future?? Ha! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities? 
Hobbes:  Frankly, I'm not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they've got. 
Calvin:  I mean, look at this! We still have the weather?! Give me a break! 

Calvin:  Well, Hobbes, I guess we learned a valuable lesson from the duplicating mess. 
Hobbes:  And that is? 
Calvin:  And that is, um... it's that, well... OK, so we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me. 
Hobbes:  Live and don't learn, that's us. 

Calvin:  In my opinion, television validates existence. 

Calvin:  This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could fly! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops in the sky! ...That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this. 

Calvin:  Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. 

Calvin:  Every time I've built character, I've regretted it. 

Calvin:  Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success... ...Flat stretches of boring routine... ...And valleys of frustration and failure. 

Calvin:  I don't need parents. All I need is a recording that says, "Go play outside!" 

Calvin:  Why would she want another kid?? She's already got me! 
Hobbes:  Yes, you'd think she'd have learned her lesson... 

Calvin:  I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. 
Hobbes:  I think if you're born, it's too late. 

Calvin:  Dad, how do people make babies? 
Dad:  Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. 
Calvin:  I came from Sears?? 
Dad:  No, you were a Blue Light Special at K Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper. 

Hobbes:  Reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension. 

Tracer Bullet:  My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on Easy Street. Instead, I've got an office on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual. 

Calvin:  Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars? 
Hobbes:  Nah. 
Calvin:  Oh, I do. 
Hobbes:  Really? How come? 
Calvin:  Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions. 

Calvin:  Without question, that was one of the worst experiences of my life. 
Dad:  It built character. 
Calvin:  Oh sure. Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere? 

Hobbes:  What I like is when you're looking and thinking and looking and thinking... And suddenly you wake up. 

Calvin:  That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse. 

Calvin:  For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive. 

Calvin:  There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. 

Hobbes:  You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human. 

Calvin:  Hi Dad. I'm repeating everything anyone says. 
Dad:  Oh, you are, are you? 
Calvin:  Oh, you are, are you? 
Dad:  Knock it off, Calvin. That's very annoying. 
Calvin:  Knock it off, Calvin. That's very annoying. 
Dad:  I forfeit all my desserts for a week. 
Calvin:  Okay, give them to me. 
Dad:  Ha ha. Why don't you go bother your mother for a while? 

Susie:  Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience. 

Calvin:  But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice! 

Hobbes:  I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already. 

Calvin:  You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse! 

Calvin:  A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do. 

Calvin:  I'M SIGNIFICANT!...screamed the dust speck. 

Hobbes:  So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection? 

Calvin:  The worst part is that I don't even have the fun of doing the things I'm getting blamed for. 

Calvin:  Let's try this path over here! 
Hobbes:  I don't see a path. 
Calvin:  We'll make a path! 

Dad:  We should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment. 

Hobbes:  You can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger! 

Calvin:  Obviously my body doesn't believe a word my brain is saying. 

Susie:  Our class voted Calvin the "Most likely to be seen on the news some day". 

Calvin:  It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. 

Mom:  Those child psychology books we bought were such a waste of money. 

Calvin:  Moms and reason are like oil and water. 

~