1)Don't laugh at the names of our little towns; Fertile, Moorhead, Climax,
Reamer, Cummings, Gentilly, or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
2)Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Up here its called Pop.
Accept it. Teasing us about it can lead to an ass kicking.
3)We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are. We are
also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch
of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
4)We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living up here.
Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time,
but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run
for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
5)We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the
hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick
your ass.
6)Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak medium rare like God
intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't
ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
7)Don't try to fake a Minnesota accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT
mention the movie "Fargo" as that will incite a riot and you will get your
ass kicked.
8)Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited big-city hellholes like Detroit, New York,
and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Northwest Airlines is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it
gets kicked.
9)Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If
you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's 10 degrees
then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. Also, if you
hog the heater or the Schnaps in the fish house we'll kick your ass.
10)Don't complain that Minnesota doesn't really have 10,000 lakes, we
actually have around 22,000, so if you whine we'll kick your ass all the
way back to Cleveland.
11)Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet,
little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
12)So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the
prairie? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly,crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA or Chicago, Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
13)Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come up here and tell us how the
Vikings and the Twins suck, (only Minnesotan's and true fans can knock 'em
down) If you do this will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
Enjoy your visit in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.