PART TWO
I took off, looking for Matthew, not sure if I was more upset by my son's behavior or mine.
Shit, shit, shit! Where was he? Matt had the most annoying habit of getting into everything if I didn't watch him carefully and I hadn't, my mind too much in a jumble of mixed emotions. I had lost him the first time when I entered the conference room, barely aware of Matthew leaving my side to explore, my vision caught on the one person whom I had really come to see. Of course, I had known he would be here, AJ and our new PR team had told me as much. I was nervous, on edge and I think I zoned out for a moment when I located Brian standing in the back of the room, alone. God, it suddenly seemed like it was only yesterday, not three years ago that I had seen him last. And he still looked… well, Brian was Brian, he hadn't changed. I was slightly flustered that after all this time, I still considered him the closest person in my life. Well, except for Matthew, of course. And speaking of Matthew, where the hell was he?
I heard Matthew's childish laughter and turned to see him racing back and forth, playing his own version of tag as he touched legs and yelled "you're it" to anyone who'd listen. Matthew grazed by Brian, giving him a quick tap and giggled with hilarity at the goofy expression Brian surprised him with.
"Matthew!" I growled from across the room. Crooking a finger, I warned, "get over here, right now!" I heard a few snickers from AJ and Howie as Matt purposely ignored me, tenaciously clinging to Brian's leg like a monkey. I frowned at my son, trying hard not to lose my composure. Glancing up, I caught Brian's expression. He was absolutely captivated by Matt, smiling with the exact same look when I first saw him across the room, crouched down and trying to help wipe Matt's mouth.
I remembered that I had taken a few deep breaths as I walked over to greet Brian for the first time in three years. I had been mentally practicing for days, rehearsing what I would say, how I would react when I saw him and vowed to stay cool and collected. Well, so much for self-control. When I walked over, I thought my heart would break in two, watching Brian smile affectionately at my son's madcap racing around the room. I knew how desperately Brian wanted children and instead here I was, a father, not him. I felt unbelievably sad and couldn't say a word, not a word, as I gazed at Brian. I guess he knew, cause he turned away unable to face me. And then, right out of the blue, I did the oddest thing. I asked him to say yes. Right then. Right there. Why did I do that? What the hell was I thinking?
Brian said yes.
Oh, God.
Brian had the most ridiculous grin on his face and I panicked, fighting to recover my slip-up. Oh no, oh God, no, I'm not ready, I'm not willing to try, but then I was hugging him, feeling him hug me back and hey, was Brian holding me tighter than I was holding him? But it was nice, really, really nice and no, wait, what am I gonna do, think, and I pulled back telling him I was glad he decided to say yes to rejoining the group. Yeah, that worked, cause he looked surprised and I was uncomfortable.
Not wanting to dwell on Brian's look of dejection, I frowned as I noticed Matt still clinging onto Brian, chatting away with childish enthusiasm. Why the hell won't Matthew come to me when I call? Come here, now! Why you little shit! Oops. I hope I didn't say that out loud.
I glanced guiltily around the room and then gave in, walking over to retrieve my son. I’m sure my displeasure registered plainly on my face because Matt looked at me wide-eyed, while Brian watched me with a mixture of concern and apprehension. With a tender hand Brian ran his fingers reassuringly through Matt’s blonde hair, looking down at Matt and giving him a faint smile of encouraged support. Well, that gesture was not lost on me. How dare he! As if he was going to protect Matt against me, the bad father, the undeserving parent! I suppose if Brian had a kid, he'd be the perfect father, his child would obey his every command. It pissed me off and I guess I tugged a little harder than necessary to get Matthew away from Brian.
Matthew wanted to climb up on my shoulders and so I let him, a little ashamed at my behavior and really annoyed at Brian’s worried expression. Matt sat happily on my shoulders, surveying the scene from this height and I was glad I had cut my hair short, glad to be free of Matt's painful yanks and the daily hassle of keeping it styled. Who had time anymore, what with a three year old kid to take care of? I suppose Brian could, I suppose Brian could do it all, I suppose Brian could be "super dad."
I scowled. I bet he thinks so too.
Irritated, I abruptly walked over to join Howie and AJ. I had wanted to say something, anything before I turned away from Brian.
I didn't.