PART FIVE
I felt drained.
For the longest time I sat in the peaceful sanctuary of my hotel room, absentmindedly brushing my fingertips back and forth against the soft, nubby texture of my armchair. I buried deeper into its recess and closed my eyes, trying to rely on its comfort to soothe my tired body. But not my thoughts, because now, and only now could I finally think about what has happened. Reflect upon it. Examine it. For the first few moments after Nick's abrupt departure, I couldn't. I was too surprised, too confused by Nick's silence to even understand what it meant.
And then, suddenly, I did.
I left. I had to. I had to leave, to get out of that suddenly stifling room, to get away from the quiet, agonizing sympathy I felt radiating from the guys.
I rubbed my face tiredly. All my life I've wanted to belong to someone, but when it came right down to it, I never did. Sure, I grew up with loving parents, married Leighanne, but somehow it wasn't enough. In fact, it was never enough and I guess I had been searching, seeking for the longest time to find out what that empty void was. And finally, I found it. That void was Nick. And when I realized what I wanted, no, what I needed, it was too late, much too late. Strange how sometimes the thing you've been looking for has been right in front of you all along. But I was blind and I still am, because my heart won't accept what my mind already has. That Nick's love is gone. Forever. He was my friend, my best friend and now I'm not sure if I even have his friendship. Friend. Lover. Neither.
Nick.
I've loved you. And I will never, ever forget what that was like, what it means. I will still remember, until my last breath, because it is now the only thing that keeps me going. That I love you.
I slowly rose from my chair, my body and soul aching with the need for the cleansing numbness that only a shower and sleep would provide. Slipping into the powerful, pulsating warmth of the heated water, I reached for either side of the shower wall, bracing myself to let the soothing flow cascade down my head and shoulders. I let the heat try to sweep away my pain, relax every muscle and nerve that had been bound into almost unbearable tension.
I thought about my life as a Backstreet Boy. Nothing, nothing could have ever prepared me for that. It exceeded my wildest expectations and I had lived that crazy life, enjoying the adventure, excitement, reaching for anything and everything that was offered up to me. And Nick had been there, from the beginning, sharing it all with me, until the passage of time finally changed everything. The last few years had turned into a blur of fear and grief, loss and anger. I thought of Leighanne, of how not a single one of my hopeful, fantasy dreams had turned into reality. No marriage, no children, no life. And now, no Nick.
With an exhausted tug of the handle, I shut the water off and lethargically let myself out of the shower stall, toweling dry and then dragging on some dark boxers and a T-shirt. Sliding between the cool sheets of my bed, I pressed my face into the pillow, trying to hunt for sleep. All I could find were memories. I could see past images; Nick singing at me across the stage, his wicked laugh as we pulled off another successful prank, his exhausted face after a grueling flight, his excited one after winning an award. And I saw the despair, the suffering, the pain in his eyes when I said no to his plea of say yes. My fingers gripped the covers tightly, as if squeezing them would wring the painful vision out of my sight.
I'm sorry Nick, I whispered into the quiet darkness.
My mind drifted and I saw present images; of Nick watching me guardedly, of his hopeful eyes and aloof ones, of Nick leaving the room holding Matthew protectively in his arms. I wanted to stretch my arm out, to touch that last image before it vanished.
Choose me, I said faintly. Choose me. Like I've chosen you.