PART SEVEN
I tried to ignore Nick's panicked voice as he questioned his son, knowing that if I showed my growing alarm we’d never be able to help Matt. Matt glanced back and forth between us, his blue eyes filled with distress as he clenched and unclenched the sheets. Nick was all over Matt, touching, poking, prodding, asking a million questions that Matt seemed unable to answer.
Lips pursed tight, Matt flinched as a small spasm of pain cramped in his stomach. Nick kept badgering him for an answer and I frowned as Matt looked miserably up at me.
Reaching over, I touched Nick on the shoulder. "Nick, hold on a minute, I think Matt. . . " I said cautiously, but stopped when Nick slapped my hand away then glared angrily at me. I shrank away, forcing myself to bite back the angry retort I had on my lips. I returned my attention to Matthew, his small face contorted with pain, and I wondered if I should call the front desk to ask for a doctor.
Screw it. I couldn't just sit around watching Matthew struggle in agony. I reached for the phone, determined to get some help whether or not Nick wanted me to. I stopped dialing when I heard a strange gagging sound. Fearful, both Nick and I leaned forward to examine Matthew closely.
Oh God.
I was surprised that my reflexes were better than Nick's, considering he was a parent and not I. Quickly scooting back, my split second timing was the only thing that saved me.
With one gigantic heave, Matt threw up.
All over Nick.
Sighing weakly, Matt trembled a little then gave the faintest of relieved smiles. Stunned, all Nick could do was stare at the mess that completely covered him.
There was a moment of silence before Matt piped up.
"Look, Uncle Brian. I barfed on Dad."
I lost it. Completely. I collapsed into a fit of laughter, barely able to hold myself upright. Matt, startled for a moment at my outburst, gave a sly grin.
Nick was not amused.
I made an effort to calm down, truly tried to see the seriousness in it, but when Nick struggled up from the bed, looking at his clothing in horror, I burst out laughing again.
Nick scowled back at me. I bent over, gasping for air, one hand held up in defense. “Oh God, sorry Nick, sorry! Really!” I pleaded with a laugh. “Just give me a second, okay?” Struggling to regain my composure, I glanced at Matthew.
“Feeling better, Matt?”
Matt nodded happily and gave a small yawn. Afraid that if I looked at Nick again I might start howling, I leaned over, grabbed Matt’s sheets, and gave a quick tug. I pulled the covers completely off the bed and Matt laughed when I made a face as I rolled the sheets into a big ball.
“Come on, sport,” I said, holding out my arms. "Let’s wipe your face and get you some clean sheets while your dad takes a shower, okay?”
Matt leaped easily into my arms and I could see out of the corner of my eye Nick staring at the both of us. Finally he started to move towards the bathroom, but not before I heard a quiet mutter of “super dad” as he passed. I froze for a second at the bitterness in his voice and wondered what he meant.
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I stepped out of the bathroom, rushing to dry my hair, feeling awkward about Brian having to watch over my son while I took a shower. Scanning the room, I located Brian, sitting on the edge of Matthew's bed, his back facing me as he silently guarded over Matt. Not sure if I should interrupt, I watched quietly as Brian reached over, his fingertips tentatively stroking Matt's light blonde hair in a concerned caress.
Something in me burned hot with jealousy. I quickly walked over. Startled, Brian looked up, his fingers instantly pulling away from Matt’s face.
I glanced down at Matt. “He’s asleep?”
Brian nodded. “He was exhausted.” Brian opened his fist to show me a bunch of ripped candy wrappers. “Look what I found. When I changed Matt’s shirt, I discovered these in his suitcase. Looks like he ate them all at once.” Brian smiled humorously. “Kids. Jeez. The things they get into when you’re not watching, huh?”
I tensed up. Did Brian just insult me? It sure sounded like it. I crossed my arms across my chest, pissed. “Hmm. Well trust “super dad” to figure out what was wrong.”
I watched as Brian’s smile faded.
Brian slowly stood up, turning to face me. “Okay, why you are being such an asshole, Nick?”
I looked back at him stonily.
Brian ran a hand through his hair as he began to pace. “I don’t believe this. What’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem, Brian. You do.”
“Me?” I could hear the disbelief, the amazement in Brian’s voice.
“Yeah, you,” I shot back, my voice rising.
Brian stopped his pacing and turned to face me. “Well perhaps you could explain to me exactly what that problem is, Nick. Cause I sure as hell don’t know.”
“Well, here, let me enlighten you,” I mocked as I walked over to him. “You are the problem, Brian.” I gave him a vicious poke in the chest. “You with Matt.”
Brian slapped my hand away, his blue eyes matching mine in intensity. “Go to hell, Nick. If you feel like playing games, fine, go ahead. Just don’t include me. Or Matthew.”
I could feel my face flame in anger. “Matthew? Fuck you, Brian. I didn’t ask for your opinion. In fact, I don’t remember ever asking for your advice regarding my son.”
“Oh? Well that’s surprising! So, I guess it was really someone else who came pounding on my door wanting some help for his son, right?”
I was so tempted to slug Brian right then and there. I glanced at Matt’s sleeping form, trying to keep my anger in check.
“Well then, feel free to practice on Matt, anytime, “ I whispered sarcastically. “I’m sure a 'super dad' like you could do a much better job than me.”
Brian gaped at me, his face registering one of shock and disbelief. “Is that what this is all about? Is that what has been bugging you? You think I’m better at being a father than you?” I watched as Brian gave a short, bitter laugh. “Shit, Nick, I don’t even have a kid!”
“I know,” I said cruelly. I ignored Brian’s wince and continued on. “But I guess that doesn’t stop you, huh? I guess you feel it’s your right to act like a father. Even to someone else’s kid. Well, I hate it. And I hate you for making me feel like a second-rate dad.” Brian’s head bowed and I felt slightly light-headed as the bitter words poured out, a feeling of intense relief coursing through me as I exposed my true feelings. “I may not be the world’s perfect father Brian, but dammit, I love Matthew. He’s my whole life. My whole reason for carrying on. It used to be you, but not anymore.” I couldn’t see Brian’s face; his head was still bent, his body motionless. “I’m not willing to lose Matthew. I’ve lost so much already, I can’t lose someone I love again. I just can’t. And I’m determined not to lose him to you.”
If I had just been running a marathon, I could not have been breathing any harder. I wiped away the sweat that had formed on my brow, waiting for a reaction from Brian. I received none. Uncomfortable, I just stood there, not knowing what to do. Brian had still not moved an inch and I began to wonder if he had heard me at all.
When he finally looked up, I knew he had. I stared. Standing before Brian, I stared at the glittering tears that shimmered in his blue eyes. Those eyes met mine and I saw something else. Pain. Deep pain. And resentment.
“Nick,” Brian spoke, his voice so low that I strained to hear. “ I would never, ever consider myself better than you and I don’t know why you would think that.” He could see my objection and cut me off with a sharp slash of his hand. I watched as Brian struggled to say something else, an inner turmoil that was waging a war inside of him.
“Not that this is any of your business, but there is no way I could be a super dad, or whatever you call it.” The bitterness in his voice was evident. “Sometime ago, I found out that I will never be able to have my own child. Something to do with the medication I took when I was hospitalized as a kid. It made me sterile. It was one of the reasons Leighanne left me.” Brian turned away, unable to look at me for a moment. I exhaled slowly, wondering what it must be like to know that something you had wished for would never come true. Brian faced me again and sighed heavily. “Nick. I’m sorry that you feel like I’m a threat. I’m not.” Brian’s gaze trailed over to where Matt lay and we watched as his body rose and fell to the rhythm of his breathing.
“Yes, I’ll admit I love Matthew. That’s because he’s a part of you, a wonderful part of someone I love. I would give anything to have a kid like him. Anything. But I would never try to “take” him away from you, Nick. Never. He’s not mine. I know that. I’m hoping you do too.” I could feel Brian’s intense stare and turned to look at him. Gone were the tears of anguish, replace by a look of determination. “Nick. In order to make this tour bearable for us, we are going to have to come to some sort of an agreement. I promise to stay out of your way as much as possible. Matthew’s too. But I will never stop being Matt’s friend, Nick, I will never stop loving Matt for who he is. If you can’t handle that, then maybe we need to rethink this whole Backstreet tour.”
Brian stared frankly at me as he waited for a reply. What was I suppose to say? I was stunned by his confession, my mind in a bedlam of conflicting emotions. So Brian wasn’t the perfect dad? So Brian never thought of himself as better than me? Sensing my confusion as a cold-shouldered snub, Brian sighed and nodded dejectedly.
“Well, guess that explains it all,” he said quietly. He walked over to where Matt lay sleeping, staring down at my son for a moment. My pulse stirred to a quicker rhythm as I watched Brian hesitantly lean over Matt, pausing for what seemed the longest time. Spellbound, unable to move, I watched as Brian gave my son the sweetest, lightest kiss to his forehead. Matt's lashes fluttered for a moment and then went still.
My eyes stung, the sharp burn of tears threatening to spill. I sagged against the doorframe, suddenly unable to stand on my own. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. In the span of a few seconds I felt as if old wounds had been brutally ripped open only to have them miraculously healed in the same instant. I'm not sure why it happened. I just know that it did, that somewhere between that moment and the next, I realized I truly loved Brian. Without question. Without reservation.
I felt Brian move past me and I opened my eyes to see him at the door.
“Brian, wait,” I pleaded.
“What for?” he asked. “Are you going to say something? Anything?" Brian opened the door. “I didn’t think so,” he said softly and left.