I love him.
It was as simple and basic and as complicated as that. I suppose AJ knew even before I did, which really pisses me off because I figure if you fall in love, you, yourself should be the first person to know, right? I also should have been suspicious about AJ's eager questions regarding our two upcoming concerts in Las Vegas. I mean, he loves Vegas, adores it, and I knew he was planning to have the time of his life there. What I didn't know was that he was planning it for me.
**********************
With a mighty crash, all five of the Backstreet Boys stumbled into the MGM high rise, Brian valiantly trying to keep AJ and Howie upright.
"This isn't fair," he complained to no one in particular. "Why did I have to be the designated driver tonight? We aren't even driving anywhere!"
Kevin smiled, a slight glassy-eyed expression plastered on his face. "Because you lost, remember? You had to be the sober one to keep the rest of us in check."
Brian snorted, unsympathetically letting Howie drop from his arms to slump to the carpeted floor. "Well, hate to inform you but it didn't work. Y'all made asses of yourselves." He gazed at the four before him, shaking his head. "Thank God we have a day to recoup before hitting Phoenix. Looks like you're gonna need it."
AJ smiled wickedly, trying to pick Howie up off the ground. "Another day? Awesome. Come on D, the night's still young. Let's go see what we can find."
Howie began to protest weakly, then thought the better of it. "Find?" he questioned, his voice slightly slurred. "What are we gonna find?"
AJ poked himself in the eye before successfully placing his glasses back on. "Anything; everything." He began to shove his friend towards the door, craning his neck to glance back at Kevin. "Coming?"
Kevin rubbed his face tiredly, shaking his head as he walked towards the door. "Naw. Kristin's waiting for me in our room. Time to call it a night." He stumbled a little, reaching out to grab the nearest shoulder, which happened to be Howie's. Howie leaned into AJ and a domino effect took place, all three tumbling to the ground.
Brian and Nick rushed over to help them up, laughing as they tried to restore everyone to a standing position.
"Shit, Kevin, thanks a lot!" groused AJ. "Tell Kristin there's gonna be no sex tonight. If you can't stand up right, I don't see how your dick is going to!"
"I can get it up anytime," he bragged. "Just see if I don't."
"Uh, eew, no thanks," laughed AJ, grabbing a hold of Howie's shirt and dragging him towards the door. "Not sure if I want to see that. I'm gonna have a difficult enough time trying not to visualize Nick getting laid tonight."
******************
I shot up off the couch I had been reclining in, pissed. Trying to ignore AJ's laugh, I grabbed his arm before he was out the door, knowing without being able to see his eyes, that he was smirking at me. I understood now why he had insisted on making such a big deal in ordering the penthouse, of letting me have it. "Nicky's first legal Vegas!" he had crowed when he had handed me the key, letting out a whoop. "Use it in good health!"
"You asshole," I breathed quietly into his ear. "You set this up, didn't you?"
Always one to take credit for creative ideas, I watched as AJ nodded his head happily.
"Fuck you," I hissed nervously.
With one finger, he slid his shades down the bridge of his nose, his brown eyes filled with amusement.
"Me? Don't you mean Brian?"
*****************
I shut the door with a none-too-subtle slam, noticing my hand was shaking slightly. Shit! Damn AJ! He is so dead! I glanced over to where Brian stood, his back facing me, watching with interest at the glittering lights of Vegas below. My heart skipped a beat. Well, maybe not dead, but I'm still gonna beat the crap out of him. Later.
I walked over to where Brian was standing and playfully rested my chin on his shoulder. Much later.
I tried not to inhale the scent of him, but what can you do? I mean, here I was pressed up behind him, my chin resting on his shoulder as we viewed the nightlife below. I sighed contentedly. It doesn't get much better than this. Well, yeah, it could, and I was hoping it would. I was tired of playing this game, of wanting him and not having him. Tired of trying to act indifferent, aloof, when all I wanted to do was to grab him and tell him how much I loved him. Well, AJ saw. AJ knew. And he wanted me to conquer. Tonight. Right now.
All right. All right. Okay, dammit, I will! I wanted nothing more than to do this. And I was going to.
*********************
"Beautiful, isn't it?"
Oh God, how cliché, Brian was talking about the lights and I was thinking about a totally different meaning. What the hell. I sighed, savoring his closeness.
"Yes," I admitted, trying to stare at the lights and not at him.
"Nick?"
"Yeah?"
"Get the hell off my shoulder. And quit breathing on me. You need some mouthwash."
Well that certainly set the tone for romance.
I pushed away from him, annoyed. Brian sure wasn't going to make this easy for me. Irritated, I walked over to the oversized bed, flinging myself backwards onto it. I brought my feet up and shed myself of each shoe, lobbing them in a high arc, not caring where they landed.
I almost hit Brian.
"Hey, watch it!"
"Oh, sorry."
I gave a huge sigh, watching as Brian wandered over to the side of the bed, gazing at me intently, a curious, almost strange expression in his blue eyes.
"You okay?"
"Sure. Just terrific."
Brian leaped casually onto the bed with me, imitating the way I got rid of my shoes, then flopped back next to me. I tensed, holding my breath.
"You don't sound terrific. Just how many drinks did you have, Nick?"
"Same as you. None."
Brian snorted. "Yeah, sure. I smelled the alcohol on your breath."
"So? I smelled it on you too. And you were suppose to be our designated driver!"
"Right! Like you guys are the only ones allowed to party. Like one drink is going to hurt me. Just because Leighanne isn't here, doesn't mean I can't have some fun too."
Leighanne. Well that name certainly killed my growing hard-on. I had felt myself getting tighter as soon as Brian had leaped on the bed and now at the mention of her name, I felt like a deflated balloon. I silently cursed AJ again. He knew that Leighanne was away on some business, that she wouldn't be joining the tour for some time to come.
I turned on my side, propping my head with my hand as I stared at Brian. His eyes were closed, a slight smile curving the tips of his mouth. Damn! I had almost forgotten how he looked before going to sleep and I had to smile myself, remembering the many times we dozed on the bus, exhausted after a grueling concert. Now, Leighanne got to see that, every night, every week, every year. But she was gone, and I was here. I bit my lip nervously. I was going to kiss him. Right now. This instant. Yep. Here I go. Now.
God, if I do, then what? Brian isn't gay. He'll hate me for sure, or worse, laugh. Why did he have to get married? And to her? He knew how we all felt about it, and yet he went ahead anyway. His cruel cut about me dating Mandy angered me I suppose as much as it angered him when I cut down Leighanne. Still, I wasn't with Mandy anymore, and he was still with Leighanne.
I knew I should have told Brian that I loved him before he got serious with her. I knew it. AJ knew it, the asshole. I suppose that's why I started hanging around with him more. Because he understood and it didn't bother him. Because he had broken up with Amanda and I with Mandy and I guess we both needed to cheer each other up. We did. We ad a blast being together. I guessed Brian sensed us drifting apart friendship-wise, but he never said anything about it. I could see the hurt in his eyes occasionally as AJ and I talked about what we were going to do, where we were gonna go, but I didn't care. Well, I did care. In fact, I cared a lot. But if he was going to spend more time with her, fine. I could find other people to hang around with too.
God, I sound just like a jilted teen-age girl.
I looked at Brian. His hands were folded across his chest, his eyes closed, his breathing light. Damn! Did he fall asleep already? He better not. I wanted to kiss him. I watched him for a moment. Well, was I going to kiss him or not? Yeah, I guess so.
Heart pounding, I edged in a little closer, leaning over to bring my head down. I could feel his soft breath before I placed my lips on his own, relishing the taste of his mouth. It was sweet, but then I knew it would be, and I pressed my mouth a little harder, taking care as I gently slid the weight of my whole body on top of his.
I knew Brian was definitely awake and I tried to ignore his surprised, wide-eyed look as I took as much as I could get, knowing without a doubt that it wasn't going to last forever.
It lasted longer than I thought. I felt a subtle change in our embrace and realized Brian had snaked his hands from under me and had wrapped them around my back, pressing me closer to him. Shocked, elated and surprised, I enthusiastically continued kissing him, enjoying the squirming of his body underneath me. Continued that is, until I realized he was struggling in anger, not delight.
He broke contact, shoving me almost completely off the bed as he frantically jumped up, his eyes wild with alarm.
"What the hell was that?" he shrieked at me and I winced.
"A kiss?"
"I know it was a kiss! Jesus!"
Oops. Brian never said Jesus.
I watched as he nervously ran a trembling hand through his hair, pacing back and forth like a caged animal, throwing several disturbing glances my way. I should have been anxious as he was, watching him walk restlessly before me but strangely I wasn't. I wasn't ashamed, wasn't embarrassed. I was glad I did it. I'd do it again, in a second, if he'd let me. By the looks Brian was giving me, I knew not in this lifetime.
"So?"
I looked at him. "So?" I repeated calmly, not helping him at all.
Brian sighed heavily. "So are you gonna tell me what that was all about?"
"It was a kiss. A good kiss. It would have been a great kiss, if you hadn't stopped me."
Brian's mouth dropped open in surprise. "Hadn't stopped you?" he managed to barely squeak out.
I sat up on the bed, crossing my legs, trying to ignore the beginnings of a gentle urging in my pants. God, Brian could be so clueless.
"Yeah, stopped me." I took a deep breath. Here it comes. Do it. Okay, okay. "I love you." I looked directly at him. "I love you, Brian. Always have, always will." As I watched the incredulity spread across his face, I began to feel incredibly foolish.
"Uh, I'm sorry," I mumbled.
The silence was deafening, unbelievably agonizing. I rubbed my forehead tiredly and closed my eyes, suddenly realizing what I had done. Ruined a friendship. The only true one I ever had.
"Nick."
I heard the agony in Brian's voice and couldn't bring myself to look at him.
'Nick!"
Now, I could hear the insistence, his firm voice telling me to look at him. I glanced up.
"What?" I asked resignedly.
"I love you too."
***************
I was shocked. To put it mildly.
"What?!" I screeched, nearly flying off the bed. "What?" Brian took a step back, slightly alarmed at hearing me yell. "You love me?"
This was not funny. Not funny at all. Or was it? I suppose AJ would be laughing his ass off about it right now.
I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. "Did AJ set this up? Did he? Is this some sort of a sick joke you guys are trying to pull on me?"
Now Brian was looking at me as if I had gone stark raving mad. "AJ? What has this got to do with AJ?"
Seeing the complete innocence in his face I calmed down, embarrassed. "Uh, never mind," I muttered. I looked at him, a hopeful grin on my face. "So, what was that you said again?" I asked, my heart beating about a thousand times a minute.
Brian shook his head at me, the same kind of shake he always does when he thinks I'm off my rocker. He bowed his head for a minute in silence then raised it again and this time I could see the tears in his eyes.
"I said I love you," he answered softly. This time I really felt a tremor of shock. It wasn't from disbelief but from the knowledge that he truly did love me.
"I thought you were straight," I stuttered. Great. Here he says he loves me and all I can do is come up with that line.
Brian laughed, but it sounded harsh. "Bi, Nick. I'm bi. I swing both ways."
I hated to hear the bitterness in his voice, the sadness in his reply. Where had that come from? Why did he sound so miserable?
"What about you? I thought you were straight! What about Mandy?"
I shrugged, trying to make light of it. "I swim both ways too."
Brian burst out laughing, shaking his head. "Swim? Swing, Nick, swing."
I grinned back. "Naw. I like swim. You know me and the sea. I'd rather swim."
Brian laughed again.
God, how I love it when he laughs. He's always so fun to be around with, making everything seem funner. More fun? Funnier? Shit. I can never figure out the correct word. I eyed him longingly. He loves me! He loves me! Better take advantage of it now. I caught him by surprise, almost lunging at him as I hauled him into my embrace. I curled my arms around him, bringing my head down to meet his. I loved the idea of me towering over him; how our difference in height somehow seemed to fit us perfectly. Our lips met again, this time with more passion on Brian's part and encouraged, I continued exploring more eagerly, wrapping my arm tighter around him.
He opened his mouth willingly and I did the same, our tongues gently dancing with each other, becoming bolder by the second. I remember his comment about my breath and pulled away.
"I thought you said I had bad breath!"
Brian shook his head, trying to pull my mouth back to his. "I was nervous with you so close to me, breathing on me. It made me....." he searched for a word.
"Horny?" I offered hopefully.
Brian's blue eyes creased in amusement. "That too."
"Good. Then say yes."
"Huh?"
"Say yes," I urged.
"To what?"
"To everything. To us. To now."
I could see the hesitation, his strength of willpower kicking in and I swore inwardly, knowing he was thinking about Leighanne. I didn't give him a chance to say no, taking what belonged to me, not to her. I met his kiss again with a fervor I didn't think I possessed, kissing him so hard that by the time I let up he was almost limp.
I grinned at him, noticing his eyes were still closed. "Brian, open your eyes. Jeez, do you do everything with your eyes closed?"
He snapped them open immediately, his blue eyes filled with desire and annoyance. "Screw you, Nick."
I grinned again and he groaned, realizing his mistake.
"Okay," I said brightly, yanking him easily off his feet and throwing him over my shoulder. We both laughed as I dumped him onto the bed, crawling seductively over him before he had a chance to move and lowered myself boldly on top of him.
"Gotcha," I smiled.
Brian faked a small yawn, as if bored. "Yeah? So what are you going to do about it?"
He wiggled a little under my weight and I ground myself into his groin s a reminder.
"This."
"Oh!" Brian groaned a little at the pressure. "Um, so what are you waiting for, Nick?"
I trapped his mouth with my own, giving him my reply. I shifted my hips a little and he parted his legs allowing me better access. I felt Brian growing larger with each second and I moaned with delight, matching his hardness against my own. Planting my elbows on either side of his face, I snaked my hands under his head, weaving my fingers through his damp curly hair then brought his mouth up to match mine. I began to slowly slide up and down him, the friction of our cocks rubbing against each other causing us to gasp from the pleasure of it.
I broke away from the kiss, wanting to watch Brian's face, expecting to see his eyes squeezed shut as usual. Instead he looked back at me, a dark blue passion heavy in his eyes that spoke of a desire, a longing, a plea for me to take what I wanted, what I needed.
"Oh God," I moaned, understanding his declaration, determined to make him want me as much as I wanted him. I wanted to pull away my hand from his hair, to rub him, cup him, feel his firmness, but our thrusting movements were so exquisitely timed that I willingly gave up, concentrating on his face, his mouth instead.