Today I found out that the girl I had a major crush on in high school and in my early college days, Debbie Tallman, committed suicide May 5, 1985. I don’t know the circumstances. Regardless of the fact, circumstance or reason this is a tragedy and very sad for everyone who knew her.

My association with Deb was a short four years really and we didn't run into each other often. We both graduated from Grant Union High School in 1976 and began attending CSU Sacramento that fall.

I hadn't seen or heard of Deb Tallman since 1978 or 79. Not like I didn't try; I even wrote a few letters, but not a trace. Who had she become? I have to say I really never knew her as a close friend might. We were friendly, I can say that, and I had high hopes. Many of my classmates knew her better than I. She was my first real love though, and although it wasn’t mutual there remains a special place in my heart for Debbie Tallman.

I have always kept on eye out for her, her face, any news at all. I have travelled widely professionally and always hoped by chance one day to run into her, perhaps in some far away exotic place. I wished then we would both be in a place where dreams are made. I assumed she was married, with kids and living out her dreams and life. In my mind I’ve visualized her throughout the years. I know now she knew none of these things.

This is my small tribute to Deb Tallman; a girl who had my heart if she desired, and a woman I hoped one day to know. She will be missed and never forgotten.

Twenty some years later I can remember sitting on my parents bed, in the back bedroom talking on the phone with Debbie. Most people called her Deb, which I think she preferred.

Debbie was an athlete, a smart girl, left handed, and very pretty. She wore tinted glasses, aviator style. Her very fine shoulder length blond hair was usually tied up or held firmly with head bands or barretts. Debbie had blue eyes, light skin and an intelligent intensity about her face. Robin Wright and Kyra Sedgwick, the actresses, bear a resemblance to Deb. In a few scenes of both The Princess Bride and Phenomenon, I zoom right to Deb in my mind's eye. It's just an illusion though. Deb had an athlete’s perfect figure but I only saw her in a dress on one occasion. She preferred jeans and bib overalls. Like Stephanie my wife, whose fashion sense and preference is the same, coordination of accessories was important, especially in regards to color.

She was shy with me in person and we spoke on the phone only a few times. We had perhaps two especially long conversations. We talked about many things. She had an easy laugh which made me feel at ease. She enjoyed the smooth sounds and lyrics of the Stylistics. She drove used Subaru’s that her father fixed up, had a brother named Rod, an athlete too, and lived less then a mile from my house. I remember her saying she had an older sister but never heard much else. All I know is after our calls I felt happy.

I walked her home from school once. We separated at a fork in the road near her house. Did she ask me over? I can’t recall and probably would have been to shy to say yes. She joked about wondering how we managed to fit all of the Tetloff kids in the house at 2020 South Avenue. I only recently discovered she also came from a large family.

Deb played volleyball for CSUS one year. I was a foil fencer for CSUS during my time there. Their volleyball practice sessions were held after ours in the same gym, the North (women’s) Gym. I used to watch her warm up. Those were very lonely days for me. Was she feeling the same pain? Was she feeling the same things for someone else? One time when feeling particularly low I wrote her a letter and included the lyrics to the song by SuperTramp, "Take the Long Way Home". Makes me wonder if she got this letter. I ended up dropping out of school in my junior year and joining the Marine Corps. And though I went back and finished 3 years later, I think now what a fool I was. The "what if?" question hangs heavy in my head.

Over the years I’ve always kept my eyes and ears open for her. I’ve seen the likeness of her face in some woman and was brought back to the old days. In me, Deb invoked that nervous, longing, desperate feeling in the pit of my stomach that could be worse in her presence. It was love for me. These feelings were never really satisfied, just put away in a jar, with a lid that never fit right.

Deb, I will remember you always ...