The worst sex, the true pits, happened about 10 years ago when I met this girl in a club while on a mate's stag do. We were both tanked up and she was a party girl who invited me back to her place for "a nightcap". She told me on the way that she still lived with her parents so we had to be quiet.
"I felt like a teenager again, fumbling around on the sofa at her place. Her pants & my trousers were around our ankles in minutes & we were having a good old grope around - but I had to put a hold on it momentarily because I was bursting for a pee. She told me where the bog was & I headed up the stairs as quietly as I could, went into the bathroom & switched on the light. Only to discover it was her mum & dad's bedroom and I was standing at the bottom of their bed with a monumental erection and they were staring down at it. I ran down the stairs, picked up my trousers and left immediately. I hate to think what that poor girl went through afterwards. - Tony, 39, surveyor. (FHM)
My friend (yeah, right!) an airman, had his 21st birthday a few weeks before being posted to Saudi Arabia. His parents asked if he would like a big party to celebrate. He declined the offer, asking instead if he could have a quiet evening at home with his girlfriend, cook her a meal, candles, soft music - and, while his parents were out, a good session to keep him going for the four months he'd be away. So, the night came, his parents went out, and a fine meal was prepared. The wine flowed and eventually the pair were rolling around the living room in their favourite position: the 69. While in full swing the phone rang. "Let's answer it in this position," my friend suggested, and off they wriggled into the hall. It was his mother, on her mobile. "Your dad thinks he's left his glasses in the kitchen, can you check please?" she said. Once again, he suggested they stay in the position. "It'll be a laugh" he said. Off they wriggled again, laughing all the way. "Surprise, surprise! Happy birthday!" was their greeting as they opened the door. And of course, Mum, Dad, Grandma, aunties, uncles and cousins were all there to congratulate the young man, bless them. - Chuggy, Saudi Arabia. (MAXIM)
It's supposed to be tender, romantic, intimate... but sometimes sex is just an embarrassing cock-up. These women were willing to cringe and tell about their Sexual Blunders:
'The first time I spent the night at my boyfriend's house, we decided that we weren't going to do the dirty deed yet, so I left my new diaphragm in my bag when getting ready for bed. I'm very short-sighted, so once I'd taken out my contact lenses I could barely find my way around the unfamiliar rooms. (It was much too early in the relationship to allow him to see me wearing spectacles.) Then one thing led to another and I found myself saying, "Wait I have to put in my diaphragm!" I stumbled, naked, from the bedroom to the bathroom, couldn't find the light switch and rifled blindly through my bag until I found the stupid thing. While I was applying lubricating gel, the diaphragm sprang out of my hands, forcing me to get down onto my hands and knees to crawl around trying to locate it by feel. It was at this point that the new man, wondering where on earth I was, came to the door and switched on the light. These days, to no surprise, I'm back on the Pill.'
--Cheryl, PR, 27
'One night my boyfriend and I came back to my flat from a party a bit tipsy. As I walked in, I switched on the answering machine to hear if there were any messages. At that point, he started kissing me and we ended up having noisy, wildly energetic sex on the floor right there in the entrance hall. After work the next evening, my mum came round for coffee. On my way to the kitchen, I switched the answering machine on again and, as we settled down with our mugs for a chat, the unmistakable and definitely X-rated sounds of our lovemaking suddenly echoed loudly throughout the flat. I must have hit the record button rather than the playback button the night before. My mother prides herself on being broadminded, but this was just too much for her. She slopped coffee all over herself.'
--Maureen, manager, 25
'We'd been going out for about five years and, to be honest, the sex wasn't that exciting. One night, as he was going through the motions, I lost concentration. I started to think about the chores I had to do the next day - one of which was to take the dog to the vet for some booster shots. Just then he must have hit a spot because I suddenly called "Snoopy!" (The dog's name, naturally.) I still cringe when I think about it, particularly as I just couldn't think of any excuse to explain myself. The truth wouldn't exactly have helped to improve the atmosphere, would it? We aren't together any more, but I still have Snoopy.
--Anna, Journalist, 28
'One Christmas, I went with my boyfriend to his parent's home for a few days. They are quite open-minded and on our first morning, his father brought us tea in bed. This was embarrassing enough, but as he turned to walk out the door, I noticed that he was standing on a condom we had recklessly discarded on the carpet during the night. It was stuck, like a persistent piece of Sellotape, to his slipper. I was hysterical and we couldn't think of what to say to him. "Excuse me, father, there's a condom stuck to your foot." (I think not.) Afterwards, we decided to act as if nothing had happened and so did he. But I wasn't able to look him straight in the eye again for the rest of the holiday.
--Jane, Real Estate Agent, 25
'One afternoon I was home alone in the flat I share with two friends, feeling "experimental". I looked around for something vibrator-ish, and settled for a cucumber. I had a wonderful time lazing in the lounge, listening to music and playing around with the cucumber. When I was finished, I left it lying on the table and drifted off to have a long bath, thinking I would have plenty of time to throw it away and clean up before my flatmates came back. Unfortunately, they returned while I was in the bath - ravenous. The next thing I knew, they were offering me a spinach and bacon salad with... cucumber. I didn't have the heart to ask them if they had washed it. = I said, "No thanks, I'm not hungry" - and I wasn't.'
--Angela, Buyer, 31
'I've had only one one-night stand in my life. He was a good-looking guy whom I met at a party, took home, and had so-so sex with. The next morning, I decided that, so as not to be dismissive, I would take him along to have brunch with some friends of mine before saying, "Thanks, I'll call sometime..." I sat down at the table and said, "This is, er...um." I just blanked completely. The poor guy was so embarrassed that, after about 10 minutes, he excused himself and left. By the way, his name was Mike.'
--Sana, Teacher, 30
'On our first holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had booked a room in a lovely hotel. On our first night there, we had cocktails and then went for a romantic stroll along the beach. When we came back, we lay down on one of the chaise lounges next to the pool. It seemed deserted and we started getting really steamy. I kept looking around to check that there was absolutely no-one there - and there wasn't. So we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the pool to see if it was possible to have sex under water. We were doing quite well with our experiment when suddenly, out of nowhere, a member of the hotel staff appeared and told us, very politely, that it was better to keep intimacy to our bedroom. The pool, he added, had an underwater window that made up one of the walls of the hotel's disco and we had been the floor show for all the guests who were dancing - until they had seen us. I was so humiliated that I made my boyfriend check us out of the hotel first thing the next morning and I spent the rest of the holiday dreading the flight back in case anyone recognised us.'
--Elana, Publisher, 32
'My husband and I, although devout Christians, enjoy a varied and experimental sex life. I don't think there's anything wrong with a little role-playing in the privacy of your marriage bed. We have quite a well-stocked cupboard of fantasy outfits: a little black and white frilly maid's outfit, an old-fashioned princess gown, a highwayman's outfit and some rather racy costumes - a bit of vinyl and leather too. A few months ago my mother-in-law came over one evening to baby-sit our one-year old and my sister's two daughters. While she was watching television, the girls, one eight and the other ten, decided to play "dress up" with the contents of Auntie Trina's cupboard. Imagine my horror when my husband, my sister, my brother-in-law and I arrived home to find the 10-year-old attired in a black corset with red lacy underwear and the eight-year-old dressed as an Egyptian slave-girl. My mother-in-law was even more horrified. She had no idea what was going on because the girls had been hiding in our bedroom waiting to "surprise" us - and they weren't disappointed! They had five open-mouthed adults staring at them in utter amazement. My sister was furious -and still is, I'm afraid.'
--Trina, Pharmacist, 27
Copyright ©, 1999-2000Mike Boyle